8:23 - Comments

For TV Fan-Fic/Song-Fic Palooza...

So.. I've surprisingly never heard of this TV show O.o The video helped me understand a lot. As I continued reading on, listening to the song at the same time, it was quite emotional- heartbreaking- tearjerking- it was absoultely amazing. The description is exellent and the vocabulary was brilliant! For a TV show I've never seen in my life, this makes me want to get up and watch it.

I enjoyed reading it and you get +1 brownie points for homemade layout. Great work! :)

First off I love the layout.
Wow, that was amazing.
The summary was beyond good, had me wanting to read more.
This was something I have never read before on here. This is different.
I'm lost for words with this.
This is one of my favorite one-shot :)
Overall this was amazing.

Wow. That was amazing. It was extremely well-written. And, the layout...it was beautiful; one of the best I've seen, yet.
Look at the body. It’s expired already after 9 short little months.
That line, it really got to me. It was a tear-jerker, for sure.
I really didn't understand how he got Hypothermia at a wedding, and a few other things, but, nonetheless, it didn't take away from the piece.
I really felt like I was in the room with the family; feeling their pain and sorrow.
I enjoyed the song, and I'm really happy you put one there.
Altogether, it was an interesting piece, that drew you in. You've definitely got a natural-born talent.
Good luck. :)

You've got some serious tallent. Not many people would be able to pull of that style of writing. It's almost as if you're engaging the reader like they are there with you. ''Continue to watch this scene with me. Let us observe these people in their work and wonder how the events will unfold."
It's marvelously written, I must say.

Wow, this was really well written- like, in terms of your descriptions, and the short, snappy expressions that you use to encapsulate feelings and happenings.

But it was also really bizarre, and left a lot of things unanswered. How do you get hypothermia at a wedding? What kind of wedding was this? The doctors and nurses were involved, and then somehow on shift at the hospital straight after? Or... I don't know.

It was good, though.

Coma, corner, dead. Coma, corner, gone.

This is my favorite line. It sums up the choppiness of what you're trying to portray, and mirrors the digital clock hacking time into pieces. It's very symbolic and I thought that this was a very vivid, very well done line. Another line I enjoyed:

Diagnosis: Hypothermia.

Prognosis: Not good.

This also worked hand in hand with the choppy effect you were going for, and being that it was experimental it came out very well.

Here are some things I would clean up: The end of the story was cluttered with information we already knew. We've heard previously how the father tried to keep them going, is upset, and wants to scream. There isn't really a conclusion, and even though that is sort of the point I thought you could have hit it better with some ultimate new piece of information. Perhaps a stronger use of imagery at the end would cooperate with this sort of short story, the type that should teach us something or give us some hint as to what the plot was trying to tell. All in all, it lead up very well until this point. I'm personally not so sure of the ending.

However I loved how you talked about the ghosts of their celebration, with the wine and the hair bobbles. It was very cool and reminiscent, and also wonderful how you played into the fact that the father was also a doctor. It was sad, but realistic, and I enjoyed it.

All in all it was a nice piece that could have been ended better because of its gradual tensing plot. I still enjoyed it though; it was a satisfying piece that I'm glad I got to read.

And the seconds are passing, and the minutes are slipping away. – I adored how you kept this line all throughout your story. For me it was like, hurry and help him. It was like my heart was rushed.

Also I loved how your sort of, I don’t know how to actually say it. I liked how you wrote it, like this: See the dimly-lit room with no windows. See the pack of doctors and nurses, clad in green and blue and disinfectant. See them as they work while the father supports himself against the wall. If you look between the people, you can see the body in the centre; an infant, blue-skinned, feeling more like an ice sculpture than a being made of flesh and blood and bone and the other miracles that form the human body. – How you used: see, and if you look As if we are standing in the room, which is exactly how I felt.

It makes me want to know what happened to them, the mother and child. I mean, hypothermia is when someone falls in really cold water, right? Did the child fall in a frozen pond?

Coma, corner, dead. Coma, corner, gone. – It’s like an end to the story, even though it’s not really the end. It’s like the mother is in a coma, the father is in the corner, and the child dead. Right?

I like the ending sentence as well, Now, shall we move on?

I think you did a spectacular job at this. I think you had exceptionally well done details. You made this flow like water. I enjoyed this so much.

Ouch. That was harsh, aha.

I've never seen a story with that sort of style, like it was all a tour. Especially a scene like that. You've got this sort of voice that I adore, like some cocky on-top-of-everything person that laughs at other people's misery, sort of sadistic like that.

Diagnosis: Hypothermia.

Prognosis: Not good.

I don't know why, but I sort of smirked at how blunt it is. You go into such detail about how the infant is like a corpse, and then just bringing that out really brought out the character.

It's heartbreaking though, how such a happy sort of event could turn out like this. At the back of my mind, I'm curious as to what happened, but your descriptions have thoroughly distracted me. I've never see anyone write "faint echo of wine" as a stain, it's unique and it's sort of got that whimsical feel to it. Aha, so yeah, I really liked that part a lot.

The Aww, I don't know why, but I could hear it in my mind perfectly. That sort of snide type of deal, y'know? And again with the bluntness- Coma, corner, dead.

More than anything, I love the character of the guide. It's really what brought this piece up from good to extrodinary, to me at least. I mean, most people would go for that sort of depressing approach and delve further into how the man felt, maybe try and get a few tears, but this was completely different and that's why I enjoyed it so much. That dark sort of humour.

Especially the last line, sort of made it what it was. Sort of like, oh well these people are unimportant anyways, let's just move and forget all about them because they're nothing special.
It's an amazing piece, seriously. :D

You had me captured from the tagline.
Then I actually clicked onto the story and was immediately met with a lovely layout and banner :)
The description was not too little or too much. It was very well-worded and had me clicking to read in anticipation.
Your writing style is so unique and I love your descriptions of everything. Your writing style comes off as effortless and the story flows beautifully.
If you look between the people, you can see the body in the centre; an infant, blue-skinned, feeling more like an ice sculpture than a being made of flesh and blood and bone and the other miracles that form the human body.
^ An example of your amazing descriptions. You didn’t just say ‘there’s a cold kid in a crowd of people’ haha :)
... faint echo of wine on his shirt. – again, AMAZING description.
The repetition of the changing time throughout the story gave it a sense of urgency. I couldn’t read fast enough, I wanted to find out what happened next!
Your writing style is so unique and you communicate with your readers through the story extremely well.
The end of the story was very realistic, I think, and I almost cried.
Well done :)

At first I had difficulties reading this, but then when I focused on it a little bit more, I understood all the detail and what was actually happening...its a wonderful piece of writing, the way you keep the suspense, thrill, and drama there is increadible..Your writing is golden...

I started to watch the clip you based this piece off, but I didn't quite get all the way through it. However, it does help with the piece you wrote, it aids in the fact that it gives a vivid view into the scene, whereas your piece focuses more on feelings and emotions, if you get what I mean. :)

I like how you've got the time breaking each paragraph, making some kind of lull in the story, I think it also helps the reader keep on edge with the characters.

Diagnosis: Hypothermia.

Prognosis: Not good. - I also like this, I'm not sure why, but it's just good. :)

When I read through this at first, I must admit that I got a little bit confused at this line; They were at a wedding, you see. The bride’s now in a cold-induced coma. As I read it again, and again, I realized I had missed earlier references to the mothers out-of-this-world state. So, the first time I read it, I thought there were two scenes going on. :)

Your use of Aww is a little different too. I'm not sure how you intend it to be read, but I get a sinister vibe from it. I think that may also have its aid from the darkness behind the piece, maybe.

they’ve told him there’s no point keeping going
there's no point to keep on going
there's no point keeping on going.
It sounds like in your sentence you're missing a word.

Overall though, this piece is well written, and it's interesting. I like how you've based it on a scene and given your own element to it all. :)

disclaimer;
i can't watch YT videos on this computer really, so forgive me if don't "get it". i'm pretty good at putting things together though. (i'm also pretty sure you entered into a contest that i entered with this story.)

summary/layout;
i really like the repetition of the three lines and how you linked them to your recommended listening. (i also love moonlight sonata and "the moment i said it".) it's kind of wonderful. the simplicity of the layout is great and the colors are soft and comforting. i think the image you chose for your banner is wonderful and great font choice for the title.

story;
one thing i noticed is that 7.34 isn't like the other numbers which have a colon and i didn't know if that was on purpose so i thought i'd tell you.

i like how when you describe the baby we know something's wrong. but what i really like is how you did the ands connecting everything instead of commas. it makes each of those things equally important and they all jump out at us more. it also seems a little... desperate, almost. not exactly the word i'm looking for, but like it's so important the narrator doesn't have time to slow down and do it "properly". (i, myself, am a huge fan of this in writing as well as run on sentences.)

diagnosis/prognosis. that's just wonderful. it shouldn't work, but it does. (rereading, wonderful is wrong. wonderfully written, i mean.)

the repetition of the singular line works well because it's not everywhere. you only reuse it when necessary. sometimes people overuse repetition and you don't here. i like how you describe the way the doctors are dressed. it reminds me of an episode of house i saw and so i get very vivid pictures. i also see an immediate fade from joy to panic.

Coma, corner, dead. Coma, corner, gone.
this is sort of like a punch to the gut. just... ow. lack of oxygen almost.

i wonder if he's going to kill himself, but i'm trying not to think about it because i want to keep reading and hope he doesn't. just too much death to consider.

it hurts. babies aren't supposed to die, especially before the parents and especially before the parents have even really had a chance to say hello.

narrator;
you wanted me to wonder on the narrator. to me, it's almost like some woman with a cool, detached voice is showing this to a group of adults (perhaps students) on a television screen. like maybe there's supposed to be some lesson in it. and that detached voice made it hurt all the more.

overall;
this is beautiful because of the writing. this is ugly because of the scene. i hope you understand what i'm saying and don't take offense to the word "ugly".

Oh WOW. For real dude, jsut WOW.

Kay, first off, your layout was pretty nifty. I liked how your banner has the heart monitor graph drawn on an arm; subtly disturbing. You made the main character a child, which was very original. Most other writers would use an adult, or, unsurprisingly, teenagers. I liked that yours was an infant.

You weaved a little history into the story so subtly that you have the reader just itching to know the exact chain of events that led up to that moment in time. It was very clever of you, as a writer, not to quell the reader's curiosity for that. You focused on what was going on right then, which I know, isn't a very easy task to do. As writers, we wordy people tend to get ... well, for the lack of a better word, too wordy, you know what I mean? Yeah...

My fave description has got to be this line > The whole exhibit that you see before you is just a nightmare to him; a miasmic nightmare that will soon pass when he’s standing on the edge of the roof before he jumps and then he’s falling, falling, falling but just when he’s about to hit the ground he’s back to reality.

Above everything else, I thought this was refreshing to read. Refreshing because it sort of put into a whole new perspective the concept of death, and dying and loss. You've captured the emotions of the father so wonderfully. Great work on that!

You're an exceptional writer and I commend you greatly for such a wonderful piece of work! I certainly hope to see some of your work on our bookshelves one day :D

Oh WOW. For real dude, jsut WOW.

Kay, first off, your layout was pretty nifty. I liked how your banner has the heart monitor graph drawn on an arm; subtly disturbing. You made the main character a child, which was very original. Most other writers would use an adult, or, unsurprisingly, teenagers. I liked that yours was an infant.

You weaved a little history into the story so subtly that you have the reader just itching to know the exact chain of events that led up to that moment in time. It was very clever of you, as a writer, not to quell the reader's curiosity for that. You focused on what was going on right then, which I know, isn't a very easy task to do. As writers, we wordy people tend to get ... well, for the lack of a better word, too wordy, you know what I mean? Yeah...

My fave description has got to be this line > The whole exhibit that you see before you is just a nightmare to him; a miasmic nightmare that will soon pass when he’s standing on the edge of the roof before he jumps and then he’s falling, falling, falling but just when he’s about to hit the ground he’s back to reality.

Above everything else, I thought this was refreshing to read. Refreshing because it sort of put into a whole new perspective the concept of death, and dying and loss. You've captured the emotions of the father so wonderfully. Great work on that!

You're an exceptional writer and I commend you greatly for such a wonderful piece of work! I certainly hope to see some of your work on our bookshelves one day :D

That was amazingly beautiful and heart wrenching. There are lovely details in this, overall this is just perfect..and sad. It was overly emotional, and I loved how you made it so heart braking and so interesting to read. The end was so sad, and I could just imagine it all. Great job, really <3

That was hauntingly beautiful. There were so many details and I could almost hear a clock ticking as the story continued. I was literally on the edge of my seat, hoping they would revive the patient, and then I seen the word corpse. I knew it was all over from there, but still had a small hope that they would bring him back. It would be lovely to read a follow up about the mother waking up from the coma. Great job.

This made chills pirouette down my spine. This was such an emotional, sad, heartbreaking piece to read. I couldn't imagine that kind of pain. The way you wrote about the father falling to pieces is what really made me break. Straight away I knew that this would be sad to read. . but this is heart breaking. So much detail is produced into such a small writing. It's gorgeous. I just. . I don't know how to explain how much this touched my heart. I was confused for parts of this, but it's still an amazing read. You've got such a skill for this, dear. Don't ever stop. Perhaps I will see more like this in the future. I hope. I love heart breaking stories. Lovely job. <3

this layout is so pretty! :)
you always have such simple and pretty layouts
wait, and infant has hypothermia?
oh no, she is the baby, the P.O.V is of her
nine months, and dying, ahh this is so terrible D:
well of course he's going to ask them to keep going
no father would let their baby girl just go
wait ,was going on with her mom? I was confused there
ahh this was so sad! the dad is in so much pain
this was so well done, even if it was sad.

Wow, that was emotional.
That made me cry, I love how you drew the readers in.
I really liked it but it was so sad.
This was a damn right written short story, so much detail.
It was too good.
Good job.

Jeez, it was very sad, theres no other word for it. I wanted to cry.

There's a level of poetry in your wording that I just love.

Continue to watch this scene with me.
I feel like you pulled the readers into the story with that one line alone and I love that.

Your description is also very wonderful, I could imagine being there watching this group while I read this.

It was heartbreaking yet truthful. If that even makes sense. The ending was kind of... harsh but I loved it because it worked with the voice of this story.

Great job!