February 15th, 2008 at 05:13pm
Okay.
So, first off, your grammars actually pretty good, I found minimal errors, which could easily be passed off as typos.
And I liked the whole Idea, but, I think you could do a lot more, with detail. Just include a bit more detail, like, exactly why Ryan's feeling like this, and what exactly is going through his mind, you know?
The ending was sweet, but once again, you could really throw some detail in is, and I would've been bawling.
And, the only real problem,besides a bit of detail, I saw, was that you have a bit of a problem with fragment sentences. Really, it almost goes with the detail thing. If you just made your chapters and bit long, with more emotion and feeling in it, you wouldn't have the fragments.
I think you're a great writer though, Rach.
I liked it.
:arms:
I liked the summary-made me very tempted to read on.
First chapter showed a very real indifference from Ryan, really. How he seemed to not care. Whether that was always so, or whether it just became that way is a point of curiosity.
I like the fact that you always show the inside thoughts of a character, so we get an insight into their thoughts, their motivation for their actions, while the other characters have no idea. It's a nice touch.
Chapter 4 was a nice shock. How he simply crushed over his attempt, focusing on the fact it was unsuccessful.
Chapter 5 was an awesome twist, very unexpected. And trhe fact that Ryan got the outcome he wanted, but not the means he's always planned for. Very poignant.