This is very sad. :( But I like it a lot. Wonderfully written, perfectly descriptive. I wasn't expecting this.
January 31st, 2011 at 11:31pm
I think this is your strongest writing yet. Bravo! It was also very brave of you to take on such a serious subject matter, but I also get the feeling that writings like this are necessary steps in the healing process. You actually had very few errors, but I'll make a short list so you can perfect this work.
In chapter 1:
I’ve never really been into politics, but with all the changes that’s been happening- should be "that have been happening", I think, unless that's just the way the character speaks. Also you may or may not need a comma after happening (not 100% sure on that one.)
I’d just turned eighteen a few months ago and I wanted to be prepared if I had to make any tough decisions when my vote was needed. - need a comma before "and"
The burning increased into an excruciating pain and my chest tightened, my eyes grew heavy as I fell forward against the asphalt.- need a comma before "and". Also the sentence should end with "tightened" the next bit ("my eyes grew heavy...") can be its own sentence
In Chapter 2:
say fair well- should be spelled "farewell"
People were holding homemade signs expressing their support and prayers and there were even people who were dress in white sheets, their arms extended above their heads so the sheets cascaded down like the wings of angels.- need a comma between "prayers" and "and". Also, "dress" should be "dressed"
Pain and sadness filled me, “You should probably go.”- I think the comma after "me" should just be a period.
Anyway, well done, my dear. :)
