In Spirit - Comments

I commented on this before. XD Anyway, I still love it so and the detail never fails. Love the character interaction through everything and I really just don't know what else to say but I FREAKIN LOVE IT!

So, your summary is already getting me interested. It's very sad that others are so willing to take advantage of Marianne and her gift. But very real as well. Teens will do anything just to get their way.

Your description of her sitting upon the swing seems very lonely and grim at first. Until we learn that there is a young boy beside her, and suddenly the mood seems to change. It becomes less bleak. Michael's personality makes it lighter, even a bit happy.
I love how he talks about the others. He's not constantly sad, as many people portray ghosts.
This is quite a fresh take on them, and I enjoyed this first chapter immensly. :3

I absolutely adore Nesta! And the way she talks is so enjoyable and funny. I could just see her living next door, being that wonderful, if not a bit strange old woman that you love to visit.

Your description of the school and all the dialogue therein held my interest quite well.
For me, it's hard to make scenes like this interesting, but you've mastered that skill, and I applaud you for it! :3
I'm interested to see where you take this!

*subscribes*

This is really interesting. I'll admit, when I read the first chapter, I was just confused. However, the other two chapters made it make sense. It's well written, and not many people use the tense you're using. A very original idea for a story, too. :)
Echoing people above me, the layout is great. It's nice and simple, and the banner is very cool.
Overall, well done.
The only thing that bothers me is the semicolon in the title. I can't stand punctuation in titles. :/

Alright first off I like the layout, its very nice.

The summary really didn't draw me, maybe that was just me.

I read the first chapter and I can honesty say its really good. There's kind of alot of stories about someone seeing the dead, but you made this one stand out, made it different which is really good. I like Marianne's character she doesn't make a big deal about seeing ghost nor she does let it bother her.

Even though I read the first one I can tell I will like this story and I will read more later :)

I'm sorry for taking so long :S I was on break at work.. anyway.. here it goes..

Layout

The layout is just awesome! I love the colors and the picture you used for the banner is just beautiful. It's simple but very pretty :D

Chapter 1

I like the description of the park and your writing flows very naturally. That's wonderful. Oh, and the whole scene with the ghost is good because it's not cliche to what some say that are ghosts are evil. :) Poor kid, btw.

Chapter 2

Lottie seems so cute :B aww and it's cute that marrianne gets along with her so well.. and Nesta, pff! She's one of those good weird characters (with quiet an odd fashion sense hehe) and well the descriptions on these chapters still are very well written and the whole story just puts you in the middle :)

Chapter 3

I like how you transcende to another scene on each chapter. That's cool :) and Conner seems like the typical sexy badass :B numnum.. anyway.. haaa cliffhanger :) I wanna see what happens next!! :D I am guessing Conner miught get pissed about what she's gonna tell him, if she tells him.. and I think Jacob might just tell her he likes her? I wanna knoooow!! I am subbing!! :D

Oh, and thanks for the comment on the story. I really really appreciate it :D

Omg! The suspense! I love this story, I can't wait to find out how she is going to tell them. You got me wanting to know more about Connor. I love the way you write, its so detailed and I love detail. I love that she can talk to the dead. I can't wait to read more, love it!!

Chapter 1:
I'm not a grammar/ spell checker. Really bad at that so I can't say. XD Yet, I do love content. After reading this I really am going 'Whats going to happen next?' As in me being excited and mentally screaming with hope that Connor and Elise don't be a b*tch towards Marianne, and really would like to hear from their brother. Also the detail of the story is AMAZING. Like I am a detail writer, but I never put alot in the first chapter don't ask me why. So even the slightest detail makes me go yes! So I really like that.

In general this story is amazing, and it's a bit different from the other romantic stories out there so I clap for you in praise.

The layout is lovely and simple. But the summary go me really confused. And in the first chapter you used my name! Though it is spelled differently it's the same. The first chapter was just beautiful and gave a certain feel. I only read one and i'll read the ret later. :D I'm totally subbing and there needs to be more comments on here. :)

I love the layout, I think it works well with your talking to the undead plot. I liked the first chapter because I thought the girl was the ghost. The description was confusing because it the summary I read they had two seperate dead siblings. I'd work on descrptions. You sort of go from A to B and it flat lines. I've been suffering from the same problem and trying to re-vamp my writing style. I like the story as a whole and will continue to read.

I really like the layout, first of all. Simple and easy to read, but not too dull.

I was a little wary at first of the present tense you're using, but you do a great job of keeping up with it, and knowing when to use which tenses, so it's definitely something else I like about the story (I love present tense, but it can be hard to write sometimes)! You're also great about not making many mistakes. If you did make some, they were too subtle for a casual reader (or at least me) to notice. Good job! :)

I love Marianne's character. She's very relatable, to me, and seems sweet. And she doesn't make a big deal out of her ability to see ghosts, which I think is more realistic. Michael is also well-written. He really does sound like a little kid. And the more I read, the more I love your way of writing these people. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but you're just good at writing people! And I like the names you choose as well. Lottie is adorable. XD

:O I reached the end way too soon. This is a very interesting, very well-written story! I am definitely subscribing! Can't wait for the next chapter! :D

Before I comment on the story proper, I'd just like to say that you start this with a nice summary and a neat layout. I particularly liked the picture. There's just one line in the summary that was a bit confusing:

The dead brother of two of her classmates, one being one of the most popular girls in her year Elise, one being the most intimidating boy in her year Connor, has asked her to contact them and she has had no option other than to reluctantly oblige.

I think this is missing some commas before 'Elise' and 'Connor'. Inserting them would make it read a lot more smoothly and correctly.

The actual chapters of the story, I thought, were very good. You write with an admirable combination of eloquence and conciseness, especially for someone your age. It think the descriptions of the people and feelings in your scenes are what you accomplish best.

The only thing I would really nit-pick in terms of formality is that when you are writing dialogue, you occasionally forget to put each speaker on a new line or in a new paragraph from the speaker before them. Otherwise, your form appears to be error-free.

Chapters are also of a good length, although while I am generally a fan of large paragraphs, I think the big chunk at the beginning of the second chapter could be broken down a bit. It's just not necessary to lump it up like that when it's a sequence of events you are describing.

Overall, I'd say that this is a job well done! Good luck with continuing it.

Chapter One:

I agree with Nautical. This chapter really shows how caring, yet cautious and careful she is. In this chapter, I've noticed a few grammatical errors. For example:

"...Wait is your sister Elise Donnelly?"

It would be better if it was, "...Wait, is your sister Elise Donnelly?" There are a few other instances where a comma is necessary, but it's not enough to deter you from reading the story.

Chapter Two:

Lottie is really adorable. She's like the ideal little sister. And Nesta seems completely insane, which I love. But she's also very caring and compassionate, and both insanity and kindness are traits that are rarely together in a person. So I love Nesta :)

Chapter 3:

Connor sounds very gorgeous. Although, people like him scare the pee outta me. I'm really curious as to what will happen next...

Overall, it's a nice story with an appealing layout and a promising future :)

Ah, I really liked it!

I love the first chapter. It really shows Mariannes personality, how she is kind, shy, and that thete is a good reason for it. I really never read a story like this, and the first chapter had a way of grabbing my interest and kept me reading.

In the second chapter, I absolutely love Nesta. She really reminds me of my grandma, and I think she is a genuinely good person. It almost seems like she is a mother figure to Marianne.

I like how you described Elise im the third chapter, with her forced smile and such. Im also curious how Connor will react. :3

The layout was simple, but very cute. I could see how the banner just goes with the story. The only thing I did notice was few grammar mistakes, mostly in tenses. But it was nothing horrible.

I suscribed because I am really wondering how this will end up! :)

I'm liking the idea for this story. I think it's pretty well thought out, and not something you see around every day. The first chapter sets it up very nicely. You get this shy girl, with a reason to be shy, and now she's being forced to break her shyness and potentially throw her whole life away by giving away her secret. Very great idea.

However, I did see quite a few errors with grammar. I was going to say that I don't see present tense like this very often. Most people use present perfect, because it's become more natural in people's mind. I think the reason present isn't used much is shown well by the little upsets in your sentences, where the wrong tense has been used.

Still, those are the only problems I could see. Everything else is written very well. If it weren't for those, I wouldn't have anything bad to say about it at all. It's very well done!

Okay first off, Doctor Who box sets make anybody feel better so thank you for fandom. Second I love this, I mean I really do. The characters are very solid and the pacing is excellant. Even though this takes place in modern time there's an antique feel to it which I think really makes this story better. Why oh why the horrible cliff hanger?! Can't wait to see what happens next and the Jacob guy was so random, I hope he comes in later in the story.

I honestly didnt want to read this, since the summary wasn't that interesting :/ The first chapter was nicely written and I love how you introduce the characters. You got me hooked on the story and it was amazing. For some reason, I'd love to see the dead and find out about what happened to them. It'll be an interesting life o.O

Just judging by the layout, I can already tell that this is a good story. However, I agree with i saw sparks; I wouldn't have clicked on this on my own because I pretty much didn't get anything from the summary :/ Anyways, the first chapter is very nicely written. I like how you immediately introduce Marianne talking to this cute little boy, Michael; it gives this story a nice little touch, even a little creepy from what I got out of it, that Marianne sees Michael as a ghost and not a real little kid. Honestly, I could imagine seeing that in my head and if you'd stumble upon a girl talking to air, yeah, that would be a bit of a problem. Anyways, you've got me hooked; I'll have to come back and read this later, since it's late right now. Very lovely job! I can't wait to see where you take this <3

Okay so I'm reading the story and I'm completely lost. I mena like you said I have no idea where you're going with this. I did like the way you described things but really I'm too confused to really have an opinion.

First off, I have to confess that I got absolutely nothing about this story from the summary, so if I had clicked on this on my own, I probably wouldn't have read it because I'd have no clue what I was getting myself into. Also not very fond of the semi-colon in the title because I'm pretty sure that you're using it incorrectly.

Onto the actual content...

I really enjoyed how this was written in present tense. I feel like, a lot of the times, it doesn't really work well in stories, but I thought it suited this piece perfectly. Your use of that tense really made me feel like I was in the moment, and it, along with your use of imagery, created a sense of intimacy between the two characters, and as I read on, I was curious as to how they knew each other.

I thought this first chapter flowed very well, and the dialogue between Michael and Marianne read very naturally. I liked how, though you never mentioned his age, through his dialogue I could tell that Michael was younger, and I thought that even in the short span of this chapter, you did a brilliant job of developing these two characters. I like how you held out until the end to mention that Michael was a ghost, it added a nice twist, and I don't think I would've enjoyed the story as much if I would've known that tidbit right off the bat.

Overall, aside from the couple of things that I mentioned at the beginning of the comment, I don't have much constructive criticism to offer. I did catch a few grammatical errors here and there, and if this were a review, I'd point them out, so if I were you, I might get someone to just glance over this chapter. I thought this was an easy, enjoyable read, and I really liked your style, how you don't have to rely on flowery language to write beautifully.

I wish you luck as you continue on with this =)

Chapter Un:

I like the smooth transition of describing the setting, to Marianne talking to the little boy. It really had that sort of calm yet eerie feel to it, which is a perfect setup to a girl talking to a ghost. And with the whole talking to dead people situation, it didn't feel cheesy at all - the way you wrote it made it feel quite genuine.

Chapter Deux:

I'm starting to really like this story now. In this chapter, it felt very home-y and casual. And it's great that it's not like Marianne keeps her ability a total secret. Nesta seems like a real genuine and nice character, and is another part of the reason why this chapter feels home-y & casual. She's almost like a stress reliever, if that makes sense haha. Even though the main problem right now is having to tell the boy's siblings about her situation, Nesta lightens up the mood a bit.

Overall:

As I mentioned before, I'm really liking this and I think you're doing a fantastic job so far. It'll be interesting to read about how the siblings will react to Marianne's news, so I'm definitely looking forward to that part. Lovely story :')