June 21st, 2011 at 03:20am
Sorry for the delay in commenting but this story is long and I like leaving long comments. Authors tend to like them more. First things first, I am completely in love with this story. Honest truth right there and I will be subscribing so I can read the rest. This makes me want to check out your other stories now and poems if you have them... I think I will.
Chapter 1
It's the wrong kind of love at first sight I suppose, but it's clearly not the first time. I'm glad you didn't start out with the homicidal thoughts. Usually stories concerning stalkers start with them in the first chapter and it sort of bugs me. I'm glad you didn't start with but I'm curious as to when they will come.
One mistake I did find, I can easily say i was disappointed.-- the "i" should be capitalized.
Chapter 2
Clarissa is a beautiful name indeed. It's sad that her mother has passed. I'm wondering who Mr. Paveel is though. Why didn't a relative send the letter? It's sweet how desperately in love he is but I have to agree with his reaction to the intimate thoughts. It is a bit off. Ah yes, the homicidal thoughts are here and so is the internal argument.
Chapter 3
Amazing description of his imagination by the way. I did spot a few mistakes in this chapter but they were minor. That poor woman must have been so confused. Peter seemed more amazed with Imagination than confused as to why he had appeared. I like Imagination though, it sounds like he is going to be a very important part if the story.
-Instead of ending your dialogue without punctuation I recommend putting in a period or comma.
-What the fuck, I said aloud, was that about. should be "What the fuck," I said aloud, "was that about?"
-I shout should be I shouted
Chapter 4
I have to say the Facebook approach was new. I've never seen that in a story yet but I guess it's a good way to find someone. He must have gotten lucky there wasn't too many profiles or pictures search through and that she even had one. The last bit of sentence was a little difficult to understand. I recommend writing it like this: "Her husband, I'll kill him!" I spat. I would use spat only because you've already used 'aloud'.
-The first and second sentences should be separated with a period and walking shouldn't be capitalized.
Chapter 5
I think it's going to be a reoccurring theme with not punctuation in your dialogue. Your "i" should be capitalized in What on earth do i spend my money on?. I guess your character is lucky his conversation with Imagination wasn't spoken out loud in this chapter this time. I am wondering what your boy's name is but I'm guessing it will come soon. It sounds like Clarissa is starting to get wary of him.
Chapter 6
Peter! I have learned his name. I've been trying to think of names you would consider using since I started reading. The story is amazing so far.
- If there comments were to be taken seriously-- there should be their.
- Punctuation in dialogue =)
Chapter 7
Aw, poor Peter. He didn't mean anything, he just wanted to help. Her reaction was extremely rude and uncalled for. "No, I am." isn't even a good enough apology for her actions. It's nice to know Imagination has a name now too, I'll probably refer to him as Ben though. Now if I can keep both of them straight. One question though, how has Peter never noticed Ben before?
- Punctuation in dialogue =)
- Also, at the end "quite" should be "quiet".
Chapter 8
Okay, so this chapter confused me. Clarissa was there but at the same time she wasn't? Peter must be just as confused. The end of this chapter makes me think she's a ghost or something. That or she has a deceased twin who refuses to move one. It's very confusing... I like it. It keeps me wondering.
- Punctuation in dialogue =)
Chapter 9
Now I'm really confused. I thought Peter was the stalker but now there's two kinds? The creepy ones and the beautifully winged creatures? This story just took a complete turn from normal to fantasy. I wasn't expecting that at all but it makes me want to read more! I'm going to have to subscribe because I don't want to stop reading... At all.
- Punctuation in dialogue :)
-- I will finish commenting!
Ha! I was right, she was killed. But now that they've gone into this alternate world I don't know if I should call her a ghost or not. You could easily come up with something else to call her. I'm so hooked on this story that it isn't funny. I've never heard of a chupacabra before, did you make it up?
- Punctuation in dialogue :)
Chapter 11
Dear Hooded Figures,
Go away.
Love,
Lulu
Figured I would put that out there before I said anything else. I hate when people I don't know show up at the door, I always think I'm going to die or something. Sadly, it sounds like that's exactly what happened to Clarissa. I hope nothing to evil happened to Florence and George.
- Punctuation in dialogue :)
Chapter 12
Aw man, I was hoping to find out what happened to them when the creeper dudes arrive. Maybe you will tell us all later in the story... Wow, Peter, way to ruin a situation. But hey, it's not like he knew and Clarissa should have warned him ahead of time. Question for you, was Brill supposed to be short for Brilliant? Also, was it supposed to be abbreviated or did that happen on accident?
- Punctuation in Dialogue :)
Chapter 13
Confusion. Check. I like how this story always has me guessing what's going to happen next. Okay, so mystery guy is a real asshole. He sounds possessive which also equals a most unworthy lover, if that's what he is. I don't like him but I will continue to wait until everything clears up.
- Punctuation in Dialogue :)
Chapter14
Oh, Peter, you know you can't resist temptation. I'm calling it now that he returns to the garden and/or he's been interacting with two different people this entire time.
- Punctuation in dialogue :)
Chapter 15
I knew he couldn't resist. Chica needs to make up her mind on if she knows him or not. That or write up a schedule so he knows what days not to talk to him. If there are too Clarissa's you should include them in one chapter. It would probably confuse the heck out of Peter. I'm sad, I have only one more chapter before I have to wait on updates in order to read more. It's not cool at all..
- Punctuation in dialogue :)
Chapter16
Well at least he didn't encounter the Clarissa who didn't recognize him. On the bright side he is starting to understand the Clarissa who does know him. Really now, did Peter really have to ask if he was crazy? Seeing Ben and both Clarissa's would have been enough for me. Not to mention the being they spoke to in Morrow Temple.
I have to wait for an update now and that upsets me. I love this story and you truly are an amazing writer. I look forward to reading more but I don't look forward to the story ending. You should write a sequal.