Give Life Another Chance - Comments

I really like this. I read the first three chapters, and this is really awesome so far(:

I adore your descriptions and metaphors! You describe things in a very different and original way, but it's nice and easy to read and I love it! :D I see a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing major. If you got it edited, I think it would look perfect and very nice! Loving the layout and everything about this story(:

Keep up the good work! <3

I forgot to mention your comparisons- I thought they really added dimension to your story. Expanding on details and creating images like you have done really contributes to the effectiveness of your message. Well done. :)

I think this story could go somewhere, but you have to make it stand out. There are a ton of these stories out there and while there is a considerable demand for these types of things, taking it beyond the parameters usually set for these stories of depression and struggle and redemption will make it more unique and, overall, even more attention-snaring. There are numerous grammar errors and a sentence that I found difficult to understand; "His gaze at mine as I felt utterly exhausted, with my breathing pattern out of control." did you mean "He gazed at me, and I felt utterly exhausted, my breathing pattern out of control"? If not, sorry for mentioning it. :) The length of the chapters is really nice too. Reading stories on the computer can get annoying but when you keep it short it really makes it easier. Overall, great job and keep writing. You have an opportunity to be very good at it if you want to be. :)

Omigod! Is he dead?! o.o Ah, ha. AH!!! Now, I must subscribe!

I really like your detail. It's very lovely. The way you describe things is blunt, but works very nicely. I rather like the main girl, though the drinking seemed rather rash (until I got father along), and I'm wondering if this is will develop into a bigger problem.

This whole thing is one big mystery. I'm curious about her family and her drinking. I wonder why Mason is there. What is up with that scar. This story is a bit fast paced...but I like it, in this very instance.

Ooo, Mason is perfection~! <3 Hot-ay! I find it quite enjoyable to read how your character describes him. And the drool is rather gross. It made me completely freak out (see above). I mean, what happened?!

There weren't very many grammar errors. A few here and there, but it didn't take away from the story. So...you better please continue~!

Wow, that was good. Sorry, I only read the first chapter. I'm a little busy, but it was great.

I liked how you wrote it as well. As if it was happenning right then, ya know? I love stories like that because most of them are written like it happened sometime in the past. :P

It's great! Write more

I really like the title, for starters (: The layout is a little off balanced, I think, with all the color being in the picture and then the rest being black and white. And I'm a sucker for Panic! at the Disco, so I loved the inclusion of them in the summary.

Chapter One
With my knees tight to my chest and my hands folded as I feel like I am going to break. - As it is, this is a fragment. If you removed "as" from after folded, it'd be a sentence again :D

The images piling up as it fills my vision. The room covered in unspeakable flash backs of my life. - Two more fragments. Sometimes they work as emphasis after a sentence, but these just kind of interrupt the flow.

cushioned lower lip - It seems like a very silly way to describe a lip.

You do a very good job showing how depressed she feels and her alcoholism in this part from the description of the room to her actions.

Chapter two
I glare at my damp strands that hung loosely over the side of the bed with every strand curled differently. - I really like this sentence. I think it gives the impression that she's just drunk enough to be in a sort of aimless stupor, and it sets a really good mental picture for the scene.

“How could you do this to yourself?” He questioned - He shouldn't be capitalized.

“Clare, I thought you were stronger.” He whispered - There should be a comma after stronger, and he shouldn't be capitalized.

I like the introduction of Mason. He seems to care a lot for Clare, and you get the sense that she does too, although she's still decided to drink against his wishes.

Chapter three
I think that you probably could have combined some of these chapters to make just one long one, since they all take place on the same night and only minutes apart. I do really like the inclusion of one of Clare's older memories in this chapter, because I feel like it gvies a lot of background that we haven't recieved on her up until now. It makes it a little easier to care for the sensless drunk girl.

Chapter four
I think this chapter is very good at creating a sense of mystery. Why did Mason get thrown so unceremoniously from Clare's house, why'd he leave, and why's he back?

The whole part with Mason's drool was a little gross though. No one likes being drooled on.

I think this is a really good start. Your descriptions are always fantastic, and you have a way with creating a certain emotion. I wish you luck with the rest of it (:

Oh wow I love it :) Your layout is so pretty :) The description is amazing and I love how well the character's feelings are described. It really made me fall in love with the story. Gosh, I wish I could give you something that would help you but I don't see anything that really needs help. Its perfect. Keep on writing :)

I only read chapter one, 'cause I don't like fan-fictions. I think you are a talented writing and I loved the layout. I saw no mistakes and and I loved how you described everything. In the begining, I felt him going crazy! Good for you! Keep writing! :)

I always love the descriptions you use in this story- they're so unusual and vivid. I also really want to know who Mason is now, I feel like they've had a really long history...
Anyways, the only critique I have is that you mispelt urge as erg :) haha

I really like the title, just to tell you. I'm kind of imagining a story about a girl who wants to commit suicide, but I'm probably wrong. Predictions are fun, though. Anyways, onto the first chapter. :)

Wow, this is really full of emotion! I can feel the pain that the main character is going through, and it seems that she's got a lot on her plate. I'm feeling bad, for her. Your story is filled with detail, but just the right amount, also. And the ending of the first chapter was just WOW. It's a good little addition to it, that she drinks alchohol and stuff.

Anyways, great first chapter! I think I'll be back to read the rest sometime soon, but for now, I gotta go ride bikes with my parents! So expect a comment again soon! :)

This was really good. Your writing style is...different is the only description I can think of. It's nice though, refreshing almost. There were some spots where you switched back and forth between past and present tense but that was really the only mistake I found. I think you did a really good job with this :)

This story was good. I liked it.

Just kidding, I wouldn't just give you such a horrible comment. So short. xc Whoa, definitely not me. Anyways, this story was interesting, it certainly was. I must be honest, it was really hard for me to keep reading at the first chapter because of your wording. It didn't make sense to me, and for some reason that made me grimace and my body stiffen as I tried to make sense of the words. I really don't like that feeling. It's still good, though, because the second chapter and the third made up for it. Especially his appearance. I was just like, "Wtfuuuu? Who's he? Is he real? Is she dreaming? Is this love?" You certainly give in a hint of mystery, which I like. c: I'd proofread before I post, though. There're grammatical errors that need fixing, mostly in the first chapter, which is what made me grimace and shtuff.

Good job. :D

-Luna

I love your descriptions. There are a few mistakes but if you go through and read it I think you can find them. I hope you talk more about her past. Its very interesting and I hope you write more soon¡

Chapter Two was very nice. I love the friend. He just seems so protective and I always liked those long lasting friendships. I'm writing a series now with those type of friendships involved and they just seem sort of inescapable in a way. You can do anything(to a certain degree of course) and that person will stand by you. That's what I see with Patty and Mason. I hope to see more of it!

The first chapter was very nice. A dark topic.
I loved your little pieces of description like thin layer of skin, cushioned lower lip. There was something about those little pieces that gave me just a sense of... I don't know, appreciation?
The character really seems to be in pain and the family doesn't notice. I sort of hope later in the chapters there's more confrontation with the family. I kind of feel that would be interesting, can't remember the last story I read on Mibba where the family confronted a suicidal individual.
And the part with the alcohol sort of gets to me more because I have a friend who was depressed and was a heavy drinker. Her and I have been through a lot, so this piece sort of speaks to me. Relates to me.
Will keep reading.

The title was very intriguing.
I like it so far.
They way it's written makes it very relateable.
I can't wait to read what happens next.

I like how you have everything just sort of rolling. Like, fuck the brother's name, or why her parents ignore her; She's in the moment. And it makes me feel like I'm in the moment, too. It adds mystery to it, and it keeps the readers there. I like it.

And Mason. ;)

You are very descriptive and use metaphors that I've never seen used before, I like that. I enjoiy the mystery of the story so far, how we don't know why she is the way she is, or who this Mason character is, why he's been gone, how long, and what he's doing back. I can't wait to see where the story is going.

A small suggestion would be to use the spell check provided, and maybe use a word processor before posting so that you can make sure your grammar is correct, but don't worry too much about that, there were hardly any mistakes. (I can't judge too harshly for I have a problem with grammar) but the story is wonderful. :) I'm subscribing.

"my eyes balling out crystals" I loved this line. Your descriptions are definitely spot on. I like how you described she couldn't feel anything once she was intoxicated. The images were extremely vivid. I like how Mason is still sort of a mystery. Because we don't know why he left or why he's back and the main character doesn't shed light on the topic. That definitely makes me want to read more and it already seems like an honest, cute, and promising story. :)
But there were a lot of grammatical/spelling errors and some other mistakes. Just watch out for those and you'll be fine!

you grabbed me on your first paragraph i like it:)