Star Keeper - Comments

Here to deliver your kiss under the mistletoe with N!

I'll start off by saying this: I'm not one for original fiction, but I'll be damned if this didn't catch my attention. This is such a unique plot idea! I love how you really set the pace in the first chapter. It was enough information to keep the reader interested and to make sure they understood what was going on, but it wasn't so much that they were overwhelmed. Then the way you talked about the Legend and how it all happened was mesmerizing. I'm curious about the average length of their lives since the man who told the story was over 500 years old. I think that's really interesting though! I'm also left wondering about the Hunters. I laughed out loud when he fell asleep and everyone was relieved!

This is a really great start to an original story! It's a great plot with addictive writing! Keep up the amazing work on this!

I don't normally read anything like this. However, the description and style has intrigued me. I'm looking forward to reading more :)

Dear authors,
I will divide this review of what you have posted so far in sections to make it easier to comment as I read. I find this way more enjoyable since you will be able to read my thoughts and reactions as I was reading. With that being said, here we go!

Layout:
I find the layout absolutely stunning. I am honetly in love with it. It if wasn't for the blue color of the gender marks and when clicking to see the next chapter, I would have given a perfect ten to the layout. I suggest changing the blue links to white, it will look way better. Just a suggestion.

Summary:
The top of the summary which is a note by you should be moved to the author's note of the first chapter, and the disclaimer, should be changed to copyright because this is an original fiction story and not a fanfic.

The actual summary intrigued me but it could use a little bit of editing at parts, like this one, and the pack watches over the Star just like their ancestors until the Star Keeper comes from the heavens to collect the Star. [1]* It should be changed to, and the pack watches over the Star just like their ancestors until the Star Keeper comes from the heavens to collect it.

I suggest re-wording some sentences, but that may be just me so re-read it and see for yourself if I'm right or wrong.

Chapter one:
The first paragraph [1] made me really interested on what The Lengend of the Star is.

[2] I'm a bit confused of what the Keeper actually is. You state it is the moon but this pagargaph makes it seem like it has a form, like a human?

Your talent to keep up with the details without making this story to seem like just a story is amazing. What I mean is that this seems like a published book. Well done on that! It's the stage all of us writers on here want to reach.

I enjoyed reading the parts where the moon calmed down the narrator and the narrator's description of the Chief Elder. The Last Protector also caught my attention.

The mood around the first chapter and the setting you have set for it is pretty good and you've totally used it to your advantage.

You gave us many information in the first chapter without making it seem rushed. Be careful to keep the same tone to the rest of your story, because in my opinion, changing the story's tone would make readers lose interest. The tone this piece has now is the right one.

When the little old man slump in the chair, I thought he was dying, so I was actually relieved myself when his snore could be heard. You managed to make me feel fear for that character and relief. Well done! You accomplished that perfectly.

The Last words the Chief Elder said were spoken with wisdom, knowledge and care for the pack. He sounded like a true leader and I liked that.

Chapter two:
They left me in an old Oak Tree and told me to pretend I was paying hide and seek when they heard the hunters. [3] The word paying should be changed to playing. Just a small writing mistake I found, no biggie.

I don’t remember much about my parents; I try to remember more every time I try picture them in my head, but I only remember little things.
Re-word it or change it a bit. I'd write is as, I don’t remember much about my parents. I try to remember but every time I try picture them in my head, I only remember little things.

Getting into trouble was my way of grabbing the attention of my pack, and for that many of the girls of the pack found him utterly attractive for being a "bad wolf". [5] You switched from first person to third. It should be changed to, Getting into trouble was my way of grabbing the attention of my pack, and for that many of the girls of the pack found me utterly attractive for being a "bad wolf".

I realized that I like how you have connecte dthe different parts of the story; going from the narrator's past to the narrator being an outcast and the girl dancing. Nice!

The whole hunt and how the narrator wasn't interested in it was very well-written, as well as the part where the narrator found the star. The last short paragraph was a very good way to end the chapter. If I have to say, I adore the last paragraph.

That's all I have to say. Please keep up with this. It's a great story and I believe if you keep writing it this way, you can even get it published.

Till later,
~Marian.

The layout immediately caught my eye and the summary was great too and intrigued me. The prologue was very good and once you update it I'll definitely be reading more. I'm usually not into these kinds of stories but the way you wrote it had me hooked. You describe everything in such great detail, it really helps me to imagine and visualize what's going on. This line in particular stood out to me: He smiled, the wrinkles around his eyes were more evident in the fire light; he was tall, about 6’1, with long silver hair that he often pulled back into a ponytail. It was just just a great description! As the prologue progressed it seemed (in my opinion) that there was a little too much dialogue. I was missing your descriptions and detail but I hopefully you'll have more of that later. I love how you have incorporated these words and phrases such as Elders and Chief Elder and Keeper to make the story even more magical and all the more believable. As I was reading it I honestly felt like I was there watching the characters. Great job so far!

Was reading the last wolf tonight and saw your link to this story must say i like it so far i subscribed and hope you do continue this story caught my interest immediately!

i luv ittt!!!!!!!!!!! i saw ur post on fb from mibba and i said let me check it out lol add mee and read my poem

I'm lovong it, ur story is great...finally a werewolf story that rox....
sub'd XP

Oh my god i can't get enough of this story
I swear it's like you keep making me want to read more when you update
chapter was amazing
hahhaha naked man XD
the star looks pretty :)
Clara
xxx

Awesome chapter YAY! for the star though she's interesting too :)
Can't wait for more because I can't get enough of this :D
Clara
xxx

interesting :) Already subscribed :)

I really like this new story Nik I haven't been on mibba much lately and if you update often this story might just be the reason I come back :D great start! Can't wait to see the next chapter :D but I gotta say I do miss maddie, kegan and fam if you know what I mean ;)

thanks for the comments :) I'm glad you like it so far.

I can't wait for the next update : D
This is soooo amazingly written and the legend was really awesome to hear about.
more soon to come ? I hope so :D
Clara
xxx
PS I'm SOOOO SUBBING!

I love the legend, it's very creative. I was looking for an easy read type of story and I think I found it. Update soon, cause I like it.