Ghosts - Comments

Accidentally resubmitted my comment and won't let me delete, but I can edit.. So um... Hi Rachel. XD

Not much I can say, I was enthralled in the story from start to end, brilliantly written Rachel, the vivid imagery I get in my head whilst reading was just amazing. Loved it :)

Wow. This was very beautiful. I loved the descriptions you gave me, and I loved that it was so sad.
It had a very bittersweet quality to it. I mean, the subject was very sad, but it was very beautiful all the same.

I did find some run-on sentences, though. You should put some more periods in there, and then it'd be perfect. ^.^

I think the main character was a very nice man, staying with the girl until her very last breath. I liked him. I really did. Even though it seems like he did something bad. I thought he was a very well-written, well described character. Good job.

I just...I honestly cant even begin to think of what to write. It was wonderful, beautifully written and so intriguing. I could tell from the very beginning it wasn't going to be a very happy story, but I still liked it. I had so many questions while reading, but the answers just slowly came out as I continued. You displayed the main characters emotion so well, I felt so bad for him.

It is a wonderful piece of writing. I saw nothing wrong with it at all.

Any compliment I could give you for this won't be nearly as amazing as the ones you've given me or the ones you really deserve. I'll try though...

This is simply stunning Rachel. You've constructed a plot that's so delicately sombre without the slightest hint of hyperbole, irony or over-earnestness. Believe me that is hard to do. Your manipulation and exploration of vocabularly is nothing short of professional, without being misplaced or absurd. Your writing style is intoxicating- through your use of tone and plot construction you've managed to keep the reader gripped until the very last line (which I wil come to soon). You've used tone brilliantly in this, suggesting guilt and regret from the very offset of the piece without being too explicit. The whole layout, and unfolding of truths so to speak, flows efficiently and beautifully, making it a joy to read really.

Even your style of characterism highlights how much you have grown as a writer. Your protagonist shows all the traditional signs of torment and guilt without being self-rigtheous. Even through denying him absolution you've really broken the mould of how a typical writer usually portrays tragedy. The story has a perfect balance of present and past, where the present horror brings alive the horror from the characters past. You should be really proud of the way you've incorporated imagery and symbolism aswell: the dreary Scottish weather symbolising the protagonist's inner turmoil, and his choice to stay remained in the flat which keeps him linked to the terrible circumstances in his life.

I'm rambling, I know. Basically Rachel this is a piece that you've really taken a risk with. You've stripped away plot twists and traditional concepts to leave a skeleton which shows your true talent as a writer. And it has payed off. A simple and beautiful piece like this is a true refection of your enigmatic creativity, complex vocabularly and artistic flair. In short, it's really just a piece of your genius, the tip of the iceberg on what I know you are able to produce. And indeed what I know you will produce in the future.

All of this is encapsulated by your closing line. Which I read about 300 times over and over before leaving this comment. Even by the 300th time, it still gave me chills. So strikingly beautiful without being too contrived and too forced. It speaks for the whole piece wonderfully and I don't think it will ever stop ringing in my ears.

You are an amazing writer, this is just pure art in it's finest. No pretences and no cliches, exactly like yourself. I'm so proud of this, and of you. I'm excited for your future work.

xo.

When the man was hugging his sister's teddy bear*

To tell you the truth, I don't believe that this is not the perfect story, that it is far from that. It is actually very close that, really. Really. I'm being honest. I woke up around 1 p.m., so I'm still a bit dizzy and sleepy, my eyes wanting to close and half closing lately. That is why I wasn't entirely looking forward to reading the story, but I'd made a commitment to read it. To read all the stories I said I would in my journal. And now, as I read your story curiously, eyebrows raised in surprise at the perfection in your writing, I don't regret it. It was a lovely story, filled with pain and intensity. All of those feelings of sorrow and extreme pain accompanied by the guilt that follows you for years and years, and only death can take it away, but you can't die, you must live out your punishment. Ah, my point is that these feelings, your story has portrayed very well, and it is very close to perfection.

Great story. The only error I saw was this one:
; like it'd would take the pain away. When the man was hugging her sister's teddy bear, I think.
It should either be "it'd take the pain away" or "it would take the pain away."

Amazing job. <3

-Echo

Before I begin this comment, I want to say that the picture used was rather chilling but it really matched the rest of the layout really well. And from the picture and the summery, I guessed that this would be a rather frightening story to go along with it.

For some reason, I totally thought that the guy killed Anna, but I am sure that he didn't. Well, considering it said that he didn't want to be apart of the crime scene and that he hadn't murdered her. But what really made me sad was the very last paragraph or whenever his sister was mentioned. It was really sad how she died. However, I was a little confused on how he killed her when he wasn't even there. Wasn't it said that she burned to death?

Anyway, this was a really chilling but well written story. Everything about it was just perfect.

Okay, uhm, Miss Rachel? I've got a tiny little bone to pick with you. I swear to God, it's itsy-bitsy, but it's gonna sound real big: WHY IN VOLDEMORT'S NAME WOULD SAY THAT THIS IS FAR FROM PERFECTION!? Are you mad/daft/crazy/cuckoo/nuts? Okay, crazy Lulu over. But srsly. Srsly. You just made this srs buzziness~

Boom, okay, onto the real review. As always, your layouts are just...sex. You can only describe them as such. And I don't even know what sex feels like, but it must be good if so many people are having it at one time. xD

Anyways, srsly. I love how you describe things here, from the woman's breathing, to this man's last moments with this woman. I remember reading somewhere that before death, you really know who people are and I think this holds true for this man. He certainly knows a lot about this woman, without it really sounding creepy. I thought for a second that maybe she had told him about her life because she knew she was dying or something really weird and slightly stupid like that. Buuuut moving on.

I'm guessing this guy isn't a real angel, since you mention his "past evils", which I'm very curious about now. Even the voices around him are making me curious. Did he hurt this girl or what? I really like the concept of him walking into the church. I've seen it a lot and it just interests me greatly.

And now I'm really interested as he ventures back to the "crime scene". Why did I totally just get the whole concept of Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart? Omg, this story is fucking with my mind, bahaha! XD

OMGOMGOMGOMG WHAT. THE. LEGIT. FUCK. HAPPENED?!?!? I feel like...omg, I don't even know what I feel. It's so weird. Was Anna his sister or something and did he accidentally kill her and is he reliving her death, almost? I'm insanely confused here and I'm trying to piece together the puzzle, but I can't. That's the beauty of it, I think. Maybe I'm just a tired idiot in dire need of sleep, but I really do love stories like this. <3 This was...perfect.

Honestly, I have no critique for this. None at all. It was perfect. I love it and I'm speechless. Truly amazing job <3

I really like the font. I know that's a weird silly thing to say, but I really did like it.
I also agree with the first commenter. I loved the mysteriousness of the story. It really pulled me in and I loved every word of it.

You described everything so perfectly, and the details of the story were delicious for my eyes and brain.

Wow, what a beautiful piece.
I decided to read this because of the layout - it's completely stunning - and I'm glad I decided to judge this story by it's cover, because it's such a beautiful read.
I loved the beginning, it grabbed me straight away and I could barely tear my eyes away from the story! Your descriptions were lovely, and the style was really easy to read. Some bits were a bit choppy, and some words were out of place - but they weren't noticeable enough to take anything away from the story.
I love this piece, I really do. It's a wonderful plot, I could feel the emotions of the characters and I really liked how you didn't reveal why he was guilty until the end!
Great job!

I really liked this. It was very well written. I got confused a few times, but other than that it was a great read. You're very good with descriptions. :)

Shit!

That was something I have yet to read before. Either I don't understand the slang, or there was a few typos. I think you switched between tenses in the first half of the story, but that's about it. I really like the summary it sent chills down my spine. Honestly I was a bit confused, because you didn't give names. Other than those few things I really liked the story.

I love how you gave each character their own way of speaking, and their own slang. That is amazing, I haven't really seen that before. That was a very good read. It's very good, you have talent girl!

I can't give you a detailed comment 'cause sadly, I lack time (I have to be at work in about ten minutes D:) but Rachel, it is truly amazing and you've come such a long way with your writing. It flowed beautifully and the way he feels is felt by the reader.

Amazing Rachel, amazing <3 <3

Brilliant. You turned what most people would write as a extreamly long story into a one-shot and that's pretty hard to do.

The writing style is very good, and keeping why he feels guilty until the end is smart; it keeps people reading.

They layout is pretty and simple, it doesn't take away from the story.

There are a few parts that seem choppy but other than that there isn't anything wrong. No grammar mistakes, no horrible spelling mistakes.

I also love the location because the voice in my head read it in a Scottish accent.

:O I personally loved it! I mean, the whole plot and how you made it feel as if the reader was in in the story.

It's awesome!! I like the whole feeling to it, it seems dark and lonely for the dude.

I guess we could say that I identified because I mean, who doesn't have skeletons in their closets right?

I'm glad you asked me to comment swap thisparticular storie with me. Thank you :)

The snow had turned to sludge along the pavements and roadsides he noticed now his path had carried him into the bursting city centre, it was a short walk, but much too far nevertheless he judged now he found his feet swimming in icy pools of water.

run on sentence homegurl. Please fix it? :)

Good God girl. I read this whole thing in an accent.

I loved the layout and I loved the characters and I loved the dead girl in the beginning ._. I'm so weird.

Anyway, it was perfect. Almost in tears :D Your writing, girl. You got style.

ohmygawd. :o

Why is this so perfect and made me want to cry?

Alright, so I'll try to give a real comment and not just like, compliment you although that will be a big part of this. xD

First of all, the layout was very nice. Simple but beautiful, as was the summary. I'm not the biggest fan of the title, but it's good and gets to the point so yeah. (:

The way you chose your words was absolutely breath taking. It just flowed to nicely and really pulled you into the story.

It drove me crazy not knowing why he felt so guilty until the end, and honestly I had tears in my eyes. He just feels so fucking guilty and it really doesn't help that everyone blames him too. It's just that type of character that you want to see happy.

I absolutely ADORED the dialogue. I read it in an accent, aha. As I think someone already said, it gave a lot of personality, made the character feel real.

There were a few parts where I think you could have added some details to the scenery, and some sentences seemed a bit choppy. But, I'm only saying that because you wanted constructive criticism. This was still absolutely amazing. <333

I'm jealous of you, woman. xD

Great, great job. <33 (:

First, I love the banner. The blurry-ness of it kind of makes you wonder if it's really there, y'know?
I've always found that kind of like Taboo. doctors or nurses or anyone that saves lives should live forever, right? I always think it's odd when a doctor is sick. It's just weird.

His mom reminds me of my Grandma. She never lets us out without piles of sweaters.
Why is he feeling guilty? It's making me wonder if he had anything to do with her being sick...
He fell to his knees at the podium, his tongue loosening instantly and accidentally dropping a word of confession here and there, but inside he found himself screaming his every misgiving, his every wrong thought and urge I LOVE this line.

So he felt guilty because he wasn't there to save his sister, right?
Wow, I really liked this.
It drove me crazy not knowing what happened to Anna and if he had anything to do with her death until the end!
Honestly, the wording was perfect. It painted a very well, very clear, picture in my head. As if I were watching a movie. As far as I could tell there were no mistakes.
I absolutely loved everything about it.

Why are you so amazing?
:}

I liked your story. I thought it was well detailed,and intresting.
Here is my drabble.Comment please.
[url=http:stories.mibba.com/read/405813/Midnight-Stars/]Midnight Stars[/url]