Velvet of Desire - Comments

You have a fantastic writing style. I didnt read all of it because it's not what I like to read. You have a wonderful way of describing characters. I love how you spaced out everything, more paragraphs the easier to read! I hope you continue writing!(:

- Through comment swap.

I only read the first chapter, because this isn't exactly my kind of story. Your writing style is lovely and definitely suits the story. I adore Henri; he and Connor just fit together as friends perfectly. You describe the characters quite well and develop them too. I hope you go more into Lucien's character too, because he sounds amazing so far.

One big problem I have with this is your dialogue. It's not written grammatically correct. For one, it has to be in separate paragraphs when another person starts to speak; it can get confusing for the reader if you don't separate them. You also sometimes capitalise the words wrongly and put commas when there should be full stops.

Here's an example...

You wrote:
“I do have to tell you something,” He suddenly said and she turned to look at him. “I do live here,” Connor wasn't sure what to say to that. She just thought for a moment. “Well, since this has been your home, I wouldn't want to kick you out, so I don't see the harm in you staying. There's five bedrooms, so I'm sure we'll all have the appropriate space.”

It should be:
“I do have to tell you something,” he suddenly said and she turned to look at him. “I do live here.”

Connor wasn't sure what to say to that. She just thought for a moment. “Well, since this has been your home, I wouldn't want to kick you out, so I don't see the harm in you staying. There's five bedrooms, so I'm sure we'll all have the appropriate space.”

There were a few other errors in chapter one (not including the dialogue ones because there are too many to list):

It's like loosing your virginity all over again.” - 'loosing' should be 'losing'.

He spoke like was American. - I think you missed a word between 'like' and 'was'.

She sucked in the Irish air, and turned in circled. - 'circled' should be 'circles'.

He couldn't help but smile as she done so. - 'done' should be 'did'.

I hope you go through and edit all of your story; it'll make it much easier to read and will appeal to more readers if you do. I like your writing style and how much of the dialogue sounds quite natural. Good luck with your story!

This is really good. It's simple and easy to read. The summary is really good at alluring the reader in. I think that this is great and really good. The description of the characters is really good. I think that the story is simply wonderful and hope that it keeps on getting better and better throughout the story.

Your writing style flows well. Right off the bat, you can tell there's going to be a ton of dialogue in the story, but I've never minded that - it helps me learn characters.

Henri makes me smile. (: (emphasis with a smiley) He's a character I like easily, and feels to me like he balances out Connor perfect.

I find that I really enjoy how you're contrasting the countries. "'America is a cruel country.'" It's these damned spoiled kids.

In the beginning, you did really well with spacing out your paragraphs. I've noticed in the last few that there is none - it can make for a messy read without them, so heads up!

Make sure your dialogue is in separate paragraphs as well. Each person gets their own line per statement. I would get confused periodically about who was talking due to that.

(: A very good piece so far. Keep on trucking!

This story is starting off very interesting, and I would like to thank you for having decent grammar.

Ir really like the way that you're developing Connor's character, and Henri seems like a sweetheart. Although it did start out sad, it seems like this is going to be amazing.

I can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work!

Comment swap time! Alright so right off the bat in the summary part. I'm not sure but "in the weaving of love"? I could be wrong but maybe to mean like in a web of love. Secondly "The past few months was a hell for her?" I think that sentence needs a bit of revising. Thirdly, second paragraph "sites?" perhaps you mean "cities?. I recommend a bit of revising but generally off to a good start with the introduction to characters. Keep up the good work. :)

Comment swap!
This story was both beautiful and sad. It is not easy writing an original fiction and you did it with such seemingly easy. I love Connor's desire to go to Ireland. This is just pure magic. :D