October 1st, 2011 at 11:29am
Although I like the concept of a fanfic of a fanfic, it does make it hard to read. I mean, though you've given some hints about Ginny, it's not enough for me to feel excited about clicking that chapter. I haven't read the story, I've got no idea what's going on. I'd like a better summary too, something to draw me in rather than a long explanation of why you've decided to write this. The layout is nearly perfect though. My only advise would be to darken the text a bit, it's too light.
The first sentence is a bit long, and awkward to read.
“I – what?” she gasped, taken aback at the sudden twist in topic. “Harry, what the…
- You forgot to end the dialog. :)
“Harry, for God’s sake!” She spat, unfolding her arms and glaring wildly at him.
- Accidentally capitalized 'she'. :)
“If you have something to say to me, please, just say it!” She yelled, turning pink.
- Same as last sentence.
“Because I wanted to help you!” She screamed,
- Same as above.
Overall I like your language and the way you write. The story probably would've been better if I had more knowledge of the backstory, and there's a huge chunk of dialog towards the end that was just... whoa. That paragraph was just way too long for me to be able to concentrate through out it. At the end I was feeling tired, partly because I was confused, partly because of the text and partly because it was so long. But yeah, you're definitely a good writer.
I adore the banner, it’s such a stunning picture and it works well with the background. I know this stunning layout won’t be let down by your writing as you’re one of the best writers I know.
The way you’ve described the characters and got their little quirks down to a t made me believe I was reading something by Rowling for a second until I remembered that a: she doesn’t have a mibba and b: this is the work of my lovely Fletcher which just makes it better.
I haven’t read the original fan-fiction (and yes, I know I should) but I feel you’ve made the story your own as well as the characters themselves. Your descriptions are powerful yet easy to read, and the way you describe their actions paints a clear picture in my head. The characters interact well with each other and the whole piece flows well together.
The dialogue throughout the piece feels very realistic and fits the characters well. You should really believe me when I say you can write really well because this piece is just living proof. I’m sorry I can’t say much more (lack of coffee and time!) but believe me when I say you have a talent (and can I have a signed copy of your first novel please?)
Love you lots xx