Part II : Watch Our Skies Collide. - Comments

WOAH!

Interesting chapter here. First I have to say the everything paragraph in green before you started the chapter is a nice touch.

It's good there's a couple of out there commas and the noticed at the beginning you used 'your' when I think it's suppose to be 'you're'.

Other then that amazing as always.

Chapter Five Comment starting now! C:

Whoa!That picture behind the words "What are we supposed to do now?" really popped up at me. Sorry. My computer has trouble loading pics because of my internet.

Yep, I'd be pissed too. I like the Hate Dr. Phil moment. I mean that dude does need to stop trying to help people while acting like a know it all. I am totally hating Haven and yet... I like her. I don't know why, I just do.

I really like Claire though! She's so supportive! :D I wish I had a friend like that. In real life I mean.

This dream sequence is very vivid and detailed! I'm imagining this easily too! I don't know why, but that is one scary part!

Mangled bodies spewed across the once was pleasant landscape. Limbs mutated. Throats slashed and bodies lost of dignity. They are blood. They are nothing. They aren't human anymore. Blood pools near my feet.
^ That one I mean. xD

This is one intense chapter, Cheyenne! >_< It's good though! And you never lost that poetic touch in this story either! I loved it! Sorry about not reading it sooner. :)

I just found this.
Thanks to a journal.
I shall subscribe.
I really want to know what happened to Haven.

This was good,
I liked it a lot. The
Only thing that bothered
Me was the size of the font.
It was just like, BAMMMM
And I was like Woahh....
Lmao. Other than that, I loved it. Also,
I liked how you changed the color of the font,
It made some things really stand out, and makes your
Story extremely unique.
Fantastic job, the layout was also really cool.
I hope you go far with this story,
I personally think this story deserves a crap-ton of fans.
Haha.
<3<3

Hm. I didn't like the immediate look of the layout, because it was quite bright. The colours in the summary kind of bothered me, and the lengthiness of it. But the words were what I liked. I really liked the writing in the summary. So the layout doesn't matter.

Well, that was interesting. I think you should probably work on your grammar more, and where you end your sentences. I find that when I read your writing, I see potential, but the grammar and sentence structure throws me off. If you worked on those two things, I think your writing would be fantastic. The sex scene was well-detailed, but again, the sentence structure.

The second chapter started off a little confusing. I agree with the main character, old English is sooooo boring to read. Again, the sentence structure put me off. Oh I sound like a big meanie. ): I swear I'm not. I just want you to learn from this and get better and stuff.

I liked this:

She killed my brother. Now he breathes in death.

because it sounded really cool to me. I like the metaphor you use, because drugs and alcohol really do bring death sometimes. I found the second chapter confusing, with words all over the place.

The third chapter was also a bit confusing, because the incomplete sentences really got to me, and the fact that the fonts were always getting bigger or smaller. I don't know.

The fourth chapter wasn't as bad, but I still feel that it needs more. Longer sentences and better structure. I feel like I'm tearing this story apart, and it makes me feel so bad. I really think that if you worked on your sentence structure the story would be so much better.

I like your characters and emotional plot, it's just the sentence structure that gets to me. But I like the emotion a lot, because it gives the story so much. I loved that. Maybe you would thrive with a beta reader? Having someone proofread your stuff might be a good thing, just in case you don't catch the little things. Please don't take this in a negative way! I just want to help you as a writer. (:

whoa, this layout is a hot mess to me. i've gotta put it on default because i seriously can't read any of the font because of how large/bright it is.

just as i'm going through the first chapter, the voice seems just immature and not really legit. perhaps it's the intention for the chracter, but the changes because bold and italic don't emphasize your point as you're wanting them to.

They danced along the landscape. Gently with silent ease combine this into one sentence and it flows and makes sense far more; you use fragments frequently and they just look messy, not emphasizing the way you want.

i'm so entirely lost as i read this, and i'm really just not a fan of the writing style at all. to have a reader just jump into the story where they don't know anything else about it if they've not read the prequel is difficult; the best series are ones where you can pick up any book and piece together what happened in the previous book. i suppose this just isn't my cup of tea, sorry XD

/please don't take anything personal in this review. i review objectively and without taking feelings into consideration

I was a bit confused c:

I guess you switch POV's throughout it? Maybe? Or I am just a bit slow with this.

But still, I like your style of writing. You sentences are sort of short and choppy, but I kind of like that, actually. I would say more, but like I said, I sort of dont know whats happening c:

I'm gonna be perfectly honest: I have no idea what the hell is going on sometimes. Maybe I'm just too distracted to actually get into it and figure it out? I don't know. Speaking of "getting into it", I'm having trouble doing that too.

Well, the color changing, and size changing, and...sentence structure really distracted me. Other than the stuff that was severly...distracting it was good.

Sorry I kinda keep ranting about my personal preferences like that, but that's really all I can think to comment on since I can't figure out what's going on.

Chapter Four
I’m back! Now on with the comment. <3

A student with curly hair tied up with a braided pink fabric headband walked by us. Her face away from us. She dawned a black skirt and a wolf shirt with the back stringed... She looked familiar. Her caramel skin visible from her long legs walking slowly. A man behind her. Blonde haired, looking about late twenties. In a casual outfit and red tie.
^ OMG YOU JUST DECRIBED ME. I’m kidding but that is what I would like to look like. Seriously. With that skirt and stuff and I never wear skirts. >_<

That’s mean of Ryan to ditch Demitri for Haven and I just remembered Haven from one of the earlier chapters. My mind isn’t with me at the moment.

I love the descriptions you’re using in detailing everything. It seems like pure poetry. :)

Demitri’s embarrassment shines through rather well.

Holy crap! Damen’s back! I knew he was comin’ back. For revenge no doubt.

You really left me at a cliffie (cliffhanger), Cheyenne, my sweet little Neko. So, let me know when you update, okies? I’m at the edge of my seat and I want more! =3

Okay, first of all, I LOVE your writing style. Incomplete sentence structure is my favorite style of writing. Also, you are clearly a wizard of BBcode.
I like the story, although I am slightly confused. Who is a vampire? Who isn't?
I'll be subscribing, because I think the story is awesome, though confusing.
And kudos on writing a non graphic sex scene. Those are hard to do.
I'll definitely be reading more, since so far I've only read chapter one. :3

I have no idea what to think about this story...It's great, but you know, I have no idea what to say. Let's start with the layout then. I LOVE the picture, but It kinda irritates me how its repeating. I have a story that has a repeating picture and it bothers me to no end. If you could place on solid picture on the layout, that would be great, the whole repeating thing isnt good in my dictionary.Random colors appearing out of no where.

It makes me happy to know that your such a color loving person, but it just POPS outta know where, you know. Its like "whoa where the hell did that come from!?"

In the first chapter you aren't really closing your sentences.Is it because of a poem thing you wanna try out? I don;t know. I love how there's sort of a dark..thing to this story. Its kinda of hard to explain. I do however, want to read the prequel since this one is really good. Keep up the awesome work ^.^

Reading this I was like 'woah' major explosion of colors which is good. Makes it seem a bit fun and free. The concept I really like and was loving reading it every minute.

Omg! It’s so bright~ In a good way. X3

The summary draws me in and I love the lay out, Neko-chan. Yes, I’m calling you Neko because it means kitty in japenese. <3

I definitely need to read the prequel after reading this. Anyways, onto ze reading, madam. :3

For some reason, the background pic made me think of…fireworks. X3 And that’s saying something considering people often say that they see/feel fireworks whenever they kiss for the first time and what not but it’s someone hanging from a tree. LOL.

chapter one
I agree with the psychological fact. Emotions do last for twelve minutes and any longer would mean it’s self inflicted.

Your writing style is very interesting and I love the description of what’s going on. :D Seriously I do. <3

Aww, someone’s self aware and…what’s the word? Oh, self-conscious. It makes him even cuter.

The part in red and italics makes me think this is a dream or a flash back. So far this chapter has a poetic feel to it which I find really good. It makes the story all the more enjoyable. <3

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
^You read my mind! I wasn’t expecting that. I always thought these words were like a spell or something. ^.^

Awww, Demitri’s gonna be in trouble. I was right! It was a dream. :nodnodnod: Hehe. I wonder what’ll happen if Ryan ever found out?

Onto the next chapter!

chapter two
I love the emotions that you put into the first part of this chapter. The strained relationship between him and his parents. Forgive me if I got the gender of the character wrong in this chapter. I’m assuming that it’s still Demitri. X3

Awww, that’s a sad flashback. :/

So Damen is gay. Does that mean Demitri is going to be confused about all of this after Damen is done with him? I think so.
^These are my musings and I apologize for them. I like how your story is making me think. Lol. I like to think about stuff like this.

This is a really emotional chapter. I kind of feel sorry for Damen, but even more so for Demitri. This is really intense. Good job, Kitty!

chapter three
Aww, Demitri is sweet for missing his mom. :’(

I knew it. Demtiri has a strained relationship with his dad.

Damen should give him a break. Demitri is still trying to find himself. This is another of my musings.

Emotions were running high in this chapter nad I loved it. The drama has that Degrassi feel to it. Lol. But in a good way.

This entire story was good, Kitty, and now I’ll be off to read the prequel so that I can get all caught up. ^_^

Keep up the good work!

So I'm kind of iffy about the layout. The banner and the background picture are great and go along together great. What I'm iffy about is the reputation of the background image. It's kind of...odd? I don't know. But I really really love the banner.

I'm wondering why you put certain things in certain colors and sizes. As my woman above me said, I wouldn't take it seriously either. But I do like the colors.

So I'm a bit lost with this. I haven't read part one but I'm sure I can manage.

I really love how you opened the chapter with a fact. It kind of gives the reader something to think about and it also gives the reader a sense of what the chapter might be about.
The way you space out the the sentences and the way you choose to make certain words pop is kid of weird. I'm used to a 'normal' format, I guess you could call it. Something new, I guess.
So i'm kind of lost. Who is he talking to? Maybe if I read the first part of all this it would make sense. Oh, well.
I feel for him. Getting blamed for something; it sucks.
So first chapter left me a bit confused. Your writing style is definitely odd. I've never encountered something like this so bare with me. I really like your descriptions. It leaves nothing to be imagined and paints a flawless picture in ones head.

After begin eight and instead of playing road hockey. That didn't make sense to me. Hehe 'Ezra' reminds me of PLL. He seems kind of pressured to be this person he doesn't feel comfortable being.
Now he breaths in death. LOVED that line.
Whoa man, what just happened? It was a dream?
Rough sex FTW! haha.
He seems so conflicted at this moment. Like the idea is a good one but he's not sure.
Whoa, so this chapter was kind of intense. Lots of needs and wants and refusal.
This chapter was kind of scattered all over the place. I think this one could use some touch ups but nothing to major.
Again, great descriptions.

I can relate to the whole hating memories thing. Whoa, putting in a show huh?
Holy balls they're kissing.
Instead of using so many periods try using commas. Those would be more grammatically correct.
Drama class FTW.
Seriously, why would you ask someone that? Ugh.
God, Nolan is such a jerk.

All in all, your writing style is odd. You use a lot of color in the story and it kind of takes away from it. Your descriptions make up for it though. I seriously dig them. You use a lot of unnecessary periods. Semi-colons and commas would be better suited for some parts of this.
Re-reading out loud helps me a bunch, maybe that could help you too?

I liked it. :}

I actually think the layout is pretty interesting, the background and the banner sort of compliment each other in the way that it sort of works, and I don't usually like repeating picture backgrounds. That being said, I think the summary itself definitely caught my eye, but the rainbow coding and sizing sort of makes it look... juvenile? I wouldn't take it as seriously. And I'm not sure if it's against the rules or not to have character pictures in the summary since there's that tab.

ANYWAYS, ON WITH THE STORY. :)

I like the fact, and how self-aware he is, it adds a unique perspective. The "also" seems sort of out of place, though, and the extra "o"s on so, again, make it seem a little juvenile. Like a diary of a preteen.

I really like the "we spoke in hums" though, it really tells a lot I think in a really unique way that I haven't heard before but makes a lot of sense at the same time, it's definitely a favourite line by me.

I feel like at times I really like the sort of scatterbrained thoughts that this makes up, I think it really adds to his character and some of the things he says really makes me feel bad for him, how he blames himself and such. I feel like he's just really... lost in his thoughts, I think. And that sort of poetic way you write really adds to it.

Some things though, you go a little overboard with description. Sometimes less really is more. You don't need two or three adjectives for every noun, because then it's just redundant. Like "emerald green"- both are green or "thin, frail" generally mean the same thing.

The chapters a little all over the place, I can say that it thoroughly confused me in a lot of points, but it definitely caught my attention for one. I think the style has a certain ring to it and can definitely make your story stand out, which is really cool.

Sometimes were broken. we're

But yeah, if I find the time, I think I might read the rest. It's good, though.

Your style of writing is certainly a different, more interesting one. Some of the parts seemed to read almost as a poem, as opposed to a fully chaptered story. This made it interesting, though I admit sometimes confusing.

I feel as though this could almost be broken in two to give you another chapter, but that's just my little opinion, which doesn't really matter, in the vast scheme of things. ^.^

Your writing style is very interesting and emotive, and you really show some awesome potential.

The layout is certainly quite interesting. I like the banner and backgroundd pictures. They fit well together. :3
If it were me, though, (which it's not, so do what you will. XD) I would make the title, and chapter backgrounds white as well. I think the cohesion would help it.
But that's just me. :3

I make all my own layouts for the most part, so I know how hard it can be to get it right.

Okay, before I comment on the story, I'm not really that fond of the layout. I personally don't like the pattern background but the picture didn't distract me from reading which is good! But I suggest having maybe a lighter story area if you want it to match the background pattern or to have a grey background to match the story area (:

This was a bit confusing for me seeing as how I didn't read the prequel. The different fonting, sizing and coloring sort f distracted me too but overall I like what you have here (:

Her blond hair pulled back in a low, un-managed bun. Wispy ends pulled near her taut freckled face. Lips small and bowed out at the bottom and green eyes swallowed up with deceased hope.

I really love how you described her, I can really imagine what she looks like which is something beautiful. I really thin this story has a lot of potential though c:

First of all, the layout was a hot mess. I’m not a big fan of pictures like that being used as tiled backgrounds – though it is a really pretty picture. It also seemed like there was all too much going on in the summary. I think you should put all of the character stuff in the character section; it’d make for a cleaner looking summary. I liked the quotes you used in the summary but I think those should also be changed up a bit: don’t use such massive font, random colors, try to match the colors better, etc. :)

I only read the second chapter as you requested so I was a bit confused however the content of the actual chapter wasn’t bad. (: It had some really got description; ex: The scent that exuded from it smelt like ashes. Very nice. <3 You really are a good writer and have a lot of potential; I just think that you need to change your layout and also the color changes because it’s a huge turn off… that as well as the font/size changes in mid-chapter. It’d look way better if you kept it all the same font/size/color (not huge and not bright exotic colors) and would make the reader a lot more excited to read it. (:

So, to be honest, parts of this were very confusing. But, I didn't read the first story and all that, so it's could be partly because I'm not familiar with the characters.
But, I've gotta say, I like your style of writing. I don't know what it is, but there's something about it that's different, and I like it.
I'm also not usually a fan of vampire stuff, but I didn't mind this at all.
Overall, I think it was pretty good.