March 14th, 2016 at 05:10am
Summary:
I absolutely loved what you did with the summary. The roses thing is something I've seen before and I would just die if someone did that for me! The summary doesn't really tell too much, but it's a cute little excerpt that made me excited to keep going.
Chapter One:
Zara and Felicity sound like sweethearts! I'm not sure how to feel about Daniel yet, or what kind of trouble he could potentially cause. I do, however, appreciate the fact that Faye works at a hospital. It's something I don't see a lot of in fanfiction- or stories in general.
Jimmy is so flirtatious. Wow.
I have to admit that I really didn't like how fast they moved with things. They had only spoken for half an hour and he was already acting like a lovestruck idiot. I can see younger people doing something like that, but not people in their late twenties.
I do hope the date goes okay with them, and I hope Jimmy treats the twins kindly.
I saw a few mistakes littered throughout the story, but there was nothing too major and it didn't detract me from anything I was reading. The flow was okay, though slightly choppy in some places. I would recommend giving this a quick edit. Other than that, I like what you've got going thus far. Well done.
I'm really hoping that you don't make Daniel out to be some type of villain, just because that's an obvious move. But if you do, that's up to you, that's just my point of view.
Her kids are so sweet and I can already tell she's an amazing mother. And a hard worker at that!
Her meeting Jimmy and how they started talking was sweet, but I wish you had given us more detail and let us see how that conversation went. It would give a lot more depth and a better view of how their relationship is forming and how it will go, if you know what I mean.
Overall I think this story has amazing potential and I think you're doing great with it. Good luck with it and I hope you finish it!