Lost in Temptation - Comments

I like the whole idea of this, it's very interesting. Although I have no idea what fandom this is, I found I could understand the characters without any prior knowledge of the series. I love the description you put into this, especially with the characters. One thing I would suggest is to put a new line every time someone new speaks, it just makes it easier to read.

I have to admit that I’m not familiar with the fandom this is written in, which I generally wouldn’t have a problem with as long as I’m still able to understand the story, but with this, I found myself completely lost. Though there were quite a few grammatical errors in this first chapter (nothing a good beta can’t fix), I really enjoyed the detail you put into the description of the characters, and unlike a lot of fanfics I come across that don’t bother to describe their characters, I felt like I could easily visualize these characters in my head. The interactions and conversations also flowed very well and naturally, so this wasn’t incredibly difficult to read. Overall, I enjoyed reading this and I wish you guys luck as you continue to work on it :)

An interesting idea is going on here; I haven't read the series as to your story refers, however, I have a good enough idea by your descriptions.

Before I forget, this: "Christian paced back and forth for a minute, wishing they would hurry up; they were cutting into his time with Lissa" should be this: "Christian paced back and forth for a minute, wishing they would hurry up: they were cutting into his time with Lissa"
A colon is more appropriate because the latter part has a direct relationship with the first clause.

I like the description of the characters and the flow of the scene. Even though I'm not familiar with the series, by the end of this chapter I could easily follow you.

So good job, keep it up!

I've read the series before, and I liked it. I'm glad I found a story based off the series. I spotted no grammar mistakes, was descriptive, and the story is becoming interesting. Keep up the good work and hopefully there will be many chapters to come.

I've never read the series before but after reading this I plan on doing so. This is really great. It hasnt got my complete attention but thazts because it's just starting out. I am actually liking this story and Ima subscribe for more. Description, stucture, garmmar and all are nice and perfect. The only thing is the summary, I got confused but thats just me, Its a pretty good one once I finally understood what I was reading^-^ Keep it up

Wow this was good. You have good sentence structure and I didn't see many serious issues with spelling and grammer. :) Great job and keep it up. You have a really good story and I hope you follow through with it.