A Tiny Little Dot - Comments

Comment Swap:

Firstly, before I even read the story, I saw the layout. I like the idea you have for it but the white text on a black background bothered my eyes. I realize that I could read without the layout but just a heads up on that. As I am reading the first chapter, I’m feeling a little bounced around. I think you have a good idea with the time frame and everything but maybe a bit more information between switches would be nice. Just to make it feel less rushed. The overall feel of the story itself is rushed. Take your time. It’s your story. Let the reader really get into what is happening. I feel like your story has a lot of potential. But, personally, the things I have mentioned are causing me to not want to read it. I can’t really even finish the first chapter. It feels too rushed. Your sentences are choppy, the flow isn’t really there. You have a good amount of detail in your rape scene, good job there. It legit made me want to vomit. I noticed one typo in the first chapter. In this paragraph:

“He starts his thrusting up again. Each push into me is another strike of the whip. I hear him mumble and whisper obscenities as he reaches climax. My breathing becomes even heavier against his hand. More turns pour from my eyes.”

That last sentence should have tears instead of turns. Other than that, your story has a lot of potential. Good job and good luck on the rest of it!

Comment Swap:
The story seems to be developing along nicely. The switching of time frames can get a little confusing at times, but you pull it off pretty well. Your character, Virginia, is a troubled teen if I’ve ever seen one. Being raped is always a live-changing experience; normally for the worse. I couldn’t imagine going through what she did and not have something horrible happen. Good job and keep up the work.

Woo, you have one messed up character on your hands.

I liked reading this story, because the style of writing is relatable and easy to understand. I think you pulled off the reverse chronological timeline surprisingly well, too, considering how difficult it is too keep that sort of thing clear. I can't wait to see what her actual mental problem is (if it is "pin point" - able) and how she ended up in solitary! Excellent work :D

This was really awesome! For most stories, jumping around in the time line is usually confusing, but I found that I followed it very well with this. One question, is it really a law that people have to be transported in an ambulance? Anyway great job! I can't wait to read the rest!(:

This was really awesome! For most stories, jumping around in the time line is usually confusing, but I found that I followed it very well with this. So great job! I can't wait to read the rest!(:

This is really interesting. I like the way that you opened it, the immediate contrast between her past and what she is now. I didn't think the jumping around was all that confusing; I followed pretty well. I've only read chapter one so far, but I find the contrast very stark, and I'm already interested in what's happened to her that made her the way she is now. Definitely look forward to seeing the rest!

The starting of the first paragraph was somewhat interesting, I suppose. It's always the first sentence that is an attention grabber and you had your "I wan't always this fucked up."

One thing I don't like, as the commenters below me, is that the timeline is way too confusing and I don't understand it at all. This story...is a bit confusing and difficult and I don't like it. I feel as if it's not or me at all, more suited for other readers. I think if you put in some more effort and detailing, you'll get a lot of good views and such.

The jumping around in time also confused me a little bit, but I think I can just about grasp what's going on. This is very well written, I feel, and it also feels quite honest and maybe that is just because of your personal experience factor as well, but I feel in a small way I can relate to the character.

Although I will agree that your timeline can be confusing at times I think that it was well done, and adds some mystery to the story. However, I'm a picky grammar person and for example 'most maximum security' bothered me. A little repetitive at times, and the swearing and referring to sex as 'well you know' bothered me too.. However, I think that you could be a really good writer with a few small changes, and I liked your writing style and pacing. Overall good story.

Update soon!

t was very difficult to keep everything linear in my head. I had to scroll up and down quite a bit to make sense of everything. However, the event in “7 Months Before The Event” was very well written in chapter 1. I found myself sickened with John and really feeling for Virginia. I feel like she is the only sane one in a world full of crazy people. I kept reading and definitely saw improvement as I read through more of your story. Keep writing, obviously you have the lexicon and the diction, you just need more practice. Good work.

Comment Swap

I'll be honest, your summary is very cliche, the mother is cliche, and the one caring teacher is cliche, the girl's attitude, the disgusting classmates, the swearing, the creepy mother's boyfriend.

But the time frames are incredibly unique, and the second chapter is amazing! Really sad though :( and extremely detailed, I hope you're okay now!

The third chapter, the part while she stares at the wall, I had a similar experience. The paintings in hospitals are so fascinating, it seems that they want to mean so much-fresh, health, rejuvenation, and yet they are in a place we only come to when we are unhealthy.

As I keep reading, it gets more amazing, I can't believe the first chapter was linked to these other two! And I hope you keep writing, it is original. The subtle details are hilarious- the two girls who are best friends and the schedule from her point of view. :D

Good luck writing, I hope it is wonderful.

~Comment Swap~
I will confess, the summary didn't exactly wow me. It did sound a little cliche. However when I started reading it, I got really interested, and it turned out to be not cliche at all. I especially liked how you started off, with the seven months after "the event." It was a great hook and made me want to keep reading to see what happened. I sort of wanted to giggle when you talked about the teacher's butt. Ha.
Anyway, yeah, this is really, really good. (:

I'm here because of the comment swap.

I like the layout, it's dark and draws you deeper into the story, setting the mood in a way.

I love the way she acted towards her teacher. Virginia seems extremely ballsy. But of course, that's before the incident.

Oh and now I've reached the part where it's seven months before the event. And I'm already feeling sick.

There's nothing wrong with your writing. And that's just it...I've never been able to handle those sorts of things. And your writing style? It's beautiful. Tragically beautiful. And I don't know whether or not I want to continue reading. I feel like it's going to get worse and worse for Virginia. Gah. I think I'll read another chapter though. You definitely caught my interest.

**Comment Swap**
This story is pretty good. I got a little confused in the first chapter with the jumping around and even more confused in the second chapter. it started out a little boring but as it got deeper into the first chapter it started to get a little bit more interesting. Virginia's mom is somewhat like my half-sisters mom is and it saddens me alittle that there are really women out there that truely don't care for their children.

Keep it up, i'm going to recommend.

So I only really read the first chapter, I thought that your writing was decent, but in some parts it was a bit too cliche for my taste. I've read so many different stories about misunderstood teenagers, and even girls being raped. But again, this is only from me reading the first chapter. It may get better in later chapters for all I know.

Comment swap brought me here. I only read the first chapter but the writing is pretty good! :) This isent exactaly my kind of story, so I don't really know what to say. The background is very cool though. I kind of drawed me! :O Haha

Xoxo
kas

[comment swap] I only read the first chapter, but I must say the writing is good. I was a little skeptical at first, but towards the end of the chapter you did an excellent job of conveying the emotions of the narrator. The only thing I found confusing was the little section towards the beginning with "Sullivan," though I'm sure if I read more it'd make sense. It just seems randomly placed for the first chapter though. Anyways, good luck with this story!

I like the way it doesn't all go in order. It skips around a little, to tell the story. It really shows a disconnect around "the incident." I like the tone and your writing style. I like Virginia and I think that her story is interesting. Keep it up.

vv Clearify: I do not congratulate you on the actual events.. but making it feel real. :|