Breathtaking Nightmare - Comments

Wow, aside from a few grammatical errors, the beginning of this isn't half bad! I really like the story you have created, and seeing that this is 1/3 of part 4 in a larger story, I'm going to have to go back and read the other ones! Very glad I read this.

It wasn't that bad. I enjoyed the idea of it and the ending, though changing the P.O.V's in the sex scene did make it a bit choppy and awkward, but hey. Each to their own. I liked her character and how she was seeing her friend's ghost, and how her boyfriend stood by her even as she had her meltdowns. Definitely enthralling. It was a good read

It wasn't that bad. I enjoyed the idea of it and the ending, though changing the P.O.V's in the sex scene did make it a bit choppy and awkward, but hey. Each to their own. I liked her character and how she was seeing her friend's ghost, and how her boyfriend stood by her even as she had her meltdowns. Definitely enthralling. It was a good read

It wasn't that bad. I enjoyed the idea of it and the ending, though changing the P.O.V's in the sex scene did make it a bit choppy and awkward, but hey. Each to their own. I liked her character and how she was seeing her friend's ghost, and how her boyfriend stood by her even as she had her meltdowns. Definitely enthralling. It was a good read

I'm helping out with the You Already Have it (Pre-Writes) judging

I'm not a fan of your opening line. It's really disjointed with the ellipses. An "and" might work better. Otherwise the first chapter is great - suspenseful and introduces the characters and Maya's backstory very nicely.

The sex scene in this chapter would've been okay in a typical romance story, but not in this. It feels like it's been thrown in there for the sake of having a sex scene. It was unnecessary. Chopping and changing between two POVs is quite annoying as a reader. It's confusing, and halts any flow.

I feel like the second and last chapters go together fine, but not with the first part at all. With such a traumatised person as Maya, everything should be clouded by her experience at least in some form. It doesn't have to be dominant, but there needs to be an inkling there.

It's like reading two completely different stories in one, and it just hasn't worked.

Sorry for the tough love. I like the ideas of both, but yeah, they need to be given their own voices.

Good luck in the contest.

I was completely wrapped around your finger throughout the first chapter. The way you managed to make my heart race in anticipation was awesome. I just knew from the beginning that this was going to blow me away.

And then it disappointed me. I was looking forward to her being crazy, or for Rob to have actually gotten a hold of her. When it just swapped completely I was thrown off of the story all together. I feel like there are times for sex scenes, and this wasn't it at all. He just found her drowning in a bathtub, there isn't anything sexy about that to me. Sure, passion would be involved, but I would hope someone would be more concerned for my well being.

Beautifully written, but I really wish you would've taken a different approach.

Contest Comment:
The first chapter was wonderful and I was kind of looking forward to some more horror and more Roy. But to me it just seemed like you wanted to write a sex scene, because the entire second chapter save for like 1% was just sex. And then the last chapter was them telling each other how they feel about each other.
What happened to the horror? What happened to Roy?
Also you didn't explain Roy at all. Who is he? How did he die? Why would he be going after her?
The story leading up to the sex scene seemed really rushed.
Anyway please check the contest thread on April 29 to see if you've won.

The layout was very nice and simple and I really enjoyed the story as well. The dream was pretty realistic and you painted some real nice images here. You're really descriptive, and I also liked that you incorporated the different points of view throughout the story. The only negative thing I have to say is that it was a bit choppy to me, but otherwise it was a great read.

This story and the topic you chose I can only describe them with one word, amazing. I really like how you explain things in detail because that way readers can feel the character's feeling. Also how you keep in touck with the little details just makes this so much better. Great work :)

The idea was unique and interesting. Your attention to detail is definitely admirable and it was easy to keep a clear picture in mind and keep up with what was going on.

My only criticism would have to be how it seemed a bit...choppy, if that's the right word for it. First, the beginning was incredible where Roy came into play. And then when she woke up, you just seemed to completely forget about that. It seemed unfinished and we never got to learn about who Roy was or why he was significant. And second, jumping back and forth in the POVs wasn't confusing, it just took away from the story because they were like breaks in the plot line.

Other than that, the story was interesting and it definitely left me wanting more. Great entry and good luck in the contest!

Be sure to keep yourself in the same tense throughout. Your very first sentence "I am disoriented and dizzy" should be "I was disoriented" if you want to be completely in the past tense.

You did pretty well at describing the visual aspects to your story, but I really want to see the other senses involved in this. What did the windowless room smell like? Could you hear the outside world? etc.

Also, I really liked your image you used for the story of the girl underwater. I normally don't like looking at layouts so I don't comment on them, but this one fit nicely with the story so I wanted to mention it.

One thing I would say is that you could really add to this story, by keeping with the drowning idea. Talk about how she's drowning under his kisses. Or suffocating from the emotions. Keep that idea constant throughout. It will really help the story. And even earlier in the story before the sex scene. You could write in that it's very cold outside and talk about how her breathing was labored and painful - as it can be if it's cold enough. Something to remind us of breathing and suffocating. Make it an awesome theme throughout

Keep up the good work ^^

Well, that was really different. It's the first one-shot I've come across to which is written like that and I can honestly say I liked it.

I dont normally read these kind of stories (and I skim through sex-scenes), so forgive me if my comment is a little off. I really enjoy your style (ex: your emotional/sensual descriptions; slowly building images in the reader's mind, etc) but the plot to me doesnt flow as epicly as I'd first imagined. I feel like Roy starts out the evil, nightmare-channeling force but then just "disintegrates" into thin air. Its just not natural, how she can be so scared then totally forget about it when sleeping with Ryan.

Plus, I would have loved to know more about why Roy is so frightening to her/what he has done, and why Ryan is such a perfect match for her/why he loves her so much. I see so much more lust in this story than love. I hope thats not offensive, I'm just giving you my input because you seem like a really ambitious writer. And ambitious writers need feedback! :D
I like how the image is later tied to the story, not just "there because its cool". And I love your phrase "to explain him away" when Maya is trying to convince herself Roy doesnt exist. :D

(Now can I enter your contest? XD)

I can really feel Maya's expression and feeling. The passion in this is--- wow. I wish there was more of this! Great work!

Great story! :D

This was sweet. I like it. I really like how you made her dream sound so realistic. Then connected her dream with reality by having her drown in the tub and her ex boyfriend doing all those horrible things to her. There were a few mistakes. I like the layout too.
Last I could say is keep writing and never let anybody ever tell you different.

This was intriguing. I liked it. You managed to tie in the whole water aspect of the picture, which was good. I enjoyed it muchly. You had a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing too major. Although, don't switch between past tense and present tense. It can cause confusion at times. Pick a tense and stick with it unless certain circumstances call for a change. Other than that it was good. Great job, good luck, winners will be listed on the original contest forum.

You have to stop making one-shots and short stories,
with that fantasy of yours,
chaptered stories will be a hit
like those one-shots and short stories you have
and like this one you have.
I hope this makes sense. :D

Love it :D

Wow... You never cease to amaze me with your writing abilities. :)
Your writing truly is breath taking.
I don't know how you come up with the inspiration for all these amazing stories - but whatever they are, they sure know what they're doing! XD
Keep up the amazing work, girl. ;)