Bested by Mia - Comments

Even though its been a while since this was updated, I figured I would go ahead a leave a comment on it, just in case you ever decide to return to it. There have been many stories where I have let sit for close to five years before I returned to them. After some growth, I was able to write a second draft that blew the first one into oblivion!

I think the most obvious concern that is present is what everyone else has already pointed out: complications with grammar and punctuation. You have some great sentence structure here, but with a few tweaks, some of the wording can be more powerful. The three main spelling errors that jumped out at me where: "School's going suck today,". There should be a "to" in there. And the ending of that sentence: "throwing off the covers off of my sweaty body," reads awkwardly. I recommend: School is going to suck today, I thought as I finally threw the covers off of my sweaty body. One thing to always consider is verb tense. I struggle with that constantly.

The last spelling error I noticed was when Lani was cleaning her glass. You wrote: …placing in back in the cabinet." I think the first "in" was supposed to be "it."

My final suggestion is to consider reading your chapters out loud before you post them. Pause at every comma. Does it flow? Are all the words in the correct places? Sometimes hearing our stories read by our own voices helps us to catch the errors before others do. I think this is a great start, though. The summary was gripping. I am interested in seeing where you go with this. And the last sentence: Our loss. Like a pair of keys. Not like my sister just died, is so beautiful written!

Wow, again, very very powerful. The ending line is remarkable, and just the whole way through. From what I can tell so far, this is definitely very honest. You see a lot of unrealistic ED/suicide stories (like you said in the A/N), but this so far doesn't seem like one of them.

"Our loss. Like a pair of keys. Not like my sister just died." - Stunning line. What a brilliant end. Your emotions were perfect. That last line clicked with me on a personal level because I remember feeling something similar a while ago. Overall, I love it. Keep doing what you're doing because you're off to a great start.

Oo. gave me the chills, which is a good thing in this context. The summary was a bit bland to me, though I don't know why. It was different then some of the "shadowing big sister" theme. The first chapter was very smooth, very well written. I didn't see any kinks myself, but I agree with gypsy. The ending was very lacking in emotion.

The layout is kinda dull, but the story most definitely makes up for it. The beginning was very good, I like how at first everything seems normal and whatever.
The part where she finds her sister definitely creeped me out and grossed me out, and towards the end it made me feel very sad.
I especially like the ending line, comparing the keys to her sister and whatnot. Very good story :)

This was a very interesting start for a purging story. Definitely get points for creativity. What I don't like is the lack of emotion in the end. I mean, I guess it's because I've actually been through this (except it was an overdose and not a cutting issue) and I know how it feels to see your sister but I just felt like there wasn't enough emotion portrayed throughout this. Again, that's could just be me and my own feelings towards this type of situation. Suicides can happen to the seemingly happiest person in the world so I like the sort of surprise portrayed by the narrator. It was very well written, and again, I could just be thinking of how I felt going through my sister's suicide.

I like what you did here. Its not like all the other stories about suiside that I have seen. It's very different. I love the line Our loss. Like a pair of keys. Not like my sister just died. Because I think it gives the end so much more emotion.

I like how you made it very real. I thought that Kiley's death was very blunt, but in a good way. It was like she seems so normal and then No! you thought wrong.

Very good job!

I like the summary. It's simple, but it makes me curious about the story.

"Great now I have to pee." I like that line because it happens to all of us...

I thought the descriptions and emotions in this were very realistic. I found Kiley's death eerie and intriguing, because I'm wondering why she did it. I like how Lani doesn't remember the things she said, because I can see how her mind is trying to block out the traumatic event. The last line really hits me because I can just imagine the situation.

Wonderful job. :)

First of all, the layout. It's really nice, except the story area is a little wide for my liking. I am probably the only person in the universe who would actually complain about that, though .__.
This is a really good story. It's really sad, but not too dramatic. Like, it's a believable sadness.
There were only a few grammar errors (sorry, I would point them out but I can't remember where they were) and I didn't see any spelling errors.
Overall, good job. Keep writing(:

Okay as it relates to the layout, I think it’s cute but it think it would have looked even better with a darker background, ya’know? Something to go with the picture. Loved the summary, it made me want to find out how Kiley died and why she wanted to be anyone but Kiley after meeting Mia, it really piqued my interest c:

This was really sad =[ and I could picture everything vividly after reading this, which is awesome in whatever story that is being read.

“It felt like I was watching a scene from a movie. I watched myself lean over the bathtub and throw up my dinner. I watched my mother collapse into a ball on the floor, not caring if she was also covered in Kiley’s blood. I watched myself let the Paramedics and the Police in. The flashing lights caused an eerie haunted glow around the neighbourhood. People stepped outside in their bathrobes wondering why there was so much noise on a seemingly innocent Wednesday morning. The morning my sister committed suicide.”

I really loved this, there’s just something about that paragraph that I absolutely adore <3 The flow of the story could have been a bit better, maybe by adding in a few commas here and there but that’s nothing a beta can’t do :P. All in all this is a lovely story, keep it up c:

ps: sorry about the late comment =[, forgive me.

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. This creeps me out. I dunno why. It just does.
I found your background... Really bright blue. Maybe it's just my iPod? I don't know. Everytime I read a new line or ended one, my eyes would catch on the bright blue pattern. Sorry.

Moving on, to the creepy death of Kiley. (I honestly don't know why I find this so creepy.) I was like staring down my iPod trying to read more. Your description was pleasant and realistic.

Your semi-summary on the stories list caught my attention. And your actual summary was wonderful. I was like, wait, wait, what, what!?!? Wonderful start. This was well written. I applaud you.

I liked this a lot. I really like the layout, I think it's pretty and dramatic all at the same time :3 I think the emotion in this was good and I like the idea of it. It's sad, but it looks like it'll make for a great story. Good job so far! :)

First of all, love the banner.

Summary: the second paragraph should have a comma in the first sentence after "Now that Kiley's dead," and "parents" should not have an apostrophe. Just wanted to point that out really quick.

Other than that, I really like the summary itself. It's interesting and makes me curious. It's basic, but it's good.

Chapter one: There are quite a few grammatical errors. I would read it over again yourself very carefully or have someone else do it to fix them.

The chapter itself is very good. I find it interesting that you had the younger sister find her. I think you did get the reactions and the emotions so far just right. It wasn't over done and really realistic. I also like your amount of description and the way you wrote it.

With a little bit of editing (grammatically) this could be awesome. Good job.

I really like the layout of the story. It's simple yet elegant, I'm not sure if I understand the banner picture yet. Is it because she got sick in the bathroom?

I like your paragraph structures and dialouge, you did a good job. The way you described emotions and the actions of the characters were key on, in my opinion. I actually got goosebumps from reading this and my eyes started to water a little bit. I think you did an amazing job so far.

The summery was really great! It pulled me into the story. I wanted to know what her sister was like, why did the younger sister feel like she had to take her sisters place and what happened to her sister. Now that I know what happened I want to find out why it happened.

You have done a great job so far. Please update soon :)
I'm going to subscribe to this and I seriously can't wait for an update.

"I was stopped when a swift feeling off dread filled me." Moments like these in stories are so obvious. The reader knows something horrid will happen. I, personally, find it tacky but I can see how it leaves the reader wanting to know more about what will happen.

"My mother took the role of screamer" I love this sentence. Is it morbid that I laughed when I read it?

"My sisterwas dying was dead." I suggest to not strike out words if you want to stay, for a lack of better words, professional. You don't see it in real novels but since this is on the internet, I guess you can do whatever you want.

"I took the scratchy material and almost laughed at the irony of the situation." I don't actually get the irony here. Is it because on the one night she couldn't sleep, something bad happens? I actually don't get it.

"Our loss. Like a pair of keys. Not like my sister just died." I love these sentences. Short and to the point. I like the visual simile, very innovative.

Now, there were a few mistakes like missing commas and other small grammatical errors but if you read over it, I'm sure you'll get them.
This is written very well, good job.

Wow, this is amazing. I love it. I don't know why I enjoy these kinds of stories. Please update soon.

I felt alot of emotion for the lead character throughout the story. I felt like I was her. I like how you described everything. I also like how you didn't really give hints to what was about to happen. You didn't just jump to it quickly. Good job. Update soon?

First of all, this story had a pretty good summary; however, I’d just like to point out a couple grammatical errors that I saw. In the second sentence, I think that it should say ‘casts’, not cast. It makes more sense. Parents shouldn’t have a comma, and in the third paragraph, there should be a comma between seemed and and. No big deal, mistakes are just more noticeable amongst few words.

“It felt like I was watching a scene from a movie. I watched myself lean over the bathtub and throw up my dinner. I watched my mother collapse into a ball on the floor, not caring if she was also covered in Kiley’s blood. I watched myself let the Paramedics and the Police in. The flashing lights caused an eerie haunted glow around the neighbourhood. People stepped outside in their bathrobes wondering why there was so much noise on a seemingly innocent Wednesday morning. The morning my sister committed suicide.”

This was my favorite paragraph in the first chapter. I could definitely picture the event in my mind, in pretty clear detail. I can’t even imagine walking in on something like that. It would be awful. I feel so bad for Kiley’s family, and especially her sister. I bet that she will be dramatically changed by this.

Overall good start, just make sure you are putting commas in when they are needed. I liked it, and you should keep writing :)

Hm... sounds interesting. Great emotional concept you have going here, alright.
Can't wait to see what all you have in store for this!
Definitely... subscribed! :D

This is an interesting concept; the sister trying to fill her sister's shoes. It's definitely a good start, and you've set up a good story for yourself. You can take this in a lot of ways and that's exciting, so good job! My only complaint is the grammar. There are some mistakes, especially where comma usage is involved (or actually, a lack of comma usage), and a quick look over or help from a beta should solve that.

Keep up the good work!

i definitely liked this, it was well written and i can't wait to see what you do with it.