No Chance for Redemption - Comments

I forgot to comment on this because I'm an idiot xD
But I really love the plot so far and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next.
I always like the bad boy in stories... What's wrong with me? xD
I should hate Dillon because he's horrible and a kinda a psychopath haha But for some reason I like being in his head when I'm reading it and I love the thought of him and Keiran actually getting together
They're opposites and completely different to each other but I think that's what'd make them two together so hot lol
Another thing, I really shouldn't like the way he bullies people, but I love reading about it
I ask again WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

I first read this the other month so if my comment doesn't relate that much it's because of that lol
I just went through my subscriptions and remembered how much I love this so i thought I'd come and let you know :P

Another thing I really enjoyed in this was the way Dillon's friends act together. I picture Dillon in the background, glaring at the world and plotting evilly, while those two just fight with each other (sexual tension, ey? ;P)
Love it anyway.
And how they just get up and do whatever Dillon tells them too.
I imagine things would be different if he didn't have them with him, though. He might not have as much control then.

Anyway, can't wait to see what happens next
I wonder if Dillon will find anything out about Keiran? And if he'll rape him or something cz he totally secretly has sexy dreams about the kid ;)

Haha, MOREEEEEE?! XD

still such a good story :) I love reading this, but sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on... um... I'm not really sure how to explain it... well, all I really have left to say is... this story entices me--don't stop writing until you feel there's nothing left to tell... that is the only true way to end a story... :)

When is the next update? I sure as hell hope it is soon because this is truly amazing. I haven't got to read any good stories except a few lately because I read them all, but I'm hooked on this. Please update soon.

So excited for everything to happen already
:D

Omg! i haven't read any of your other million questions so sorry if I say something you've already said. Anyway, first, let's be academic. Your use of language in describing the image is You could see the scared face of, I think his name was Derek, and feel the fear he had. The way you get us excited to continue reading is great when trying to keep readers. Now we'll talk about the love of writing. The story plot is not hard to figure it out, good, yet mysterious, even better. Dillion, I think that's how you spell his name, sounds like a jerk, a rude, obnoxious,skanky, son-of-a-good-for-nothing, two-timing, dick that will be Our favorite character towards the end.

I only read the first chapter and I am hooked. Next four chapters...Bring It On

I'm going to review every chapter, which may take some time but bare with me.
But first of all, I'd like to say that I love your layout. It's neat, it's pretty and it's definitely clear to read.
First chapter: Okay, Dillon is right on the fact that he is a bastard. But most bullies have a reason for what they do. The way this chapter was described made me basically glued to my seat. I just realized this is a chaptered story, so this authors writing skills really shine in third person. I feel sorry for that Derek kid. Poor boy.

Second chapter: So this chapter introduces Keiran :D This was very well written too but of course slightly a different style of writing. Gosh, I'm already really fixated with this story and it's only the second chapter, well done!

Third chapter: Dillon is so manipulative, I don't know whether Cody and Calvin were friends or anything, though it does seem like it, but the way he managed to get Cody to hate Calvin is horrible. So he has like a book for ticking off peoples' names and then hurting them. At this stage, I would say that his character is slightly big-headed. He thinks that because he has the control over the whole school that he's not a bully, but a dictator? The only thing he is at the moment is a bully, even though sometimes dictators are not that far behind. I hope whoever was talking at the end (I have a feeling it was Kieran) will sort him out.

Fourth chapter: I thought it would be Kieran. Go Kieran! Smack some sense into that boy! Your chapters are little longer than the other authors but you go much more into detail and there's obviously more depth.

Fifth chapter: "I'm going to make you wish that you were never alive." Oooh, that sent a chill down my spine. I wonder what Dillon is going to do, I hope Kieran will be okay.

So yeah, I've read all of it now and I'm definitely subscribing. I think the only main criticism I can make is to not make your paragraphs too long, it can sometimes draw away the readers' attention.
Hope that was okay. Sorry it was such a long comment.

thanks so much for rec'ing this to me.
...I love it. :3
it's definitely not the style of something I'd typically read but I'm really enjoying reading something different and fresh. =D
so yes, I love this.
...I'm sorry I don't have something more constructive or substantial to say. xD
buut I'm subscribing, & thank you again. <3

Let the record state that if it were up to me I'd put those three boys in the ground ^^;. Moving right along! This is an excellent co-write, probably one of the best I have ever read. The layout is fantastic. I loved the comparison of Dillon to a puppet master, that really sent chills down my spine. This story is in a rare category of "absolutely fucking brilliant." You didn't seem to have many grammar mistakes or spelling errors. More chills went down the spine when Dillon acknowledged that he was a sociopath. I felt like I was there with Keiran, feeling his fear. I felt like I was one of the onlookers when those three boys tortured all those kids. The story wraps you into it and doesn't want to let go! I am so looking forward to where this will go. 5/5!!! :D

I think that, actually, I've read some of this before but I could not remember for sure so I've read it again, and liked it!

First of all, the layout is very nice and the summary is good. Clean and crisp, just how I like it! The summary is good; it gives me and idea of what to expect without giving away too much.

You're both doing excellent with character development. You're using actions/dialogue to reveal who your characters are and that's important to do, in my opinion. I get a feel for who they are through their interactions with others, so I am getting to know them without getting to know them and it seems to me that you know them very well, too. That's great, because that is really going to help you make plot decisions down the road.

Over all, you're both doing wonderfully. Your styles compliment each other and even though this isn't usually my type of story, I did enjoy reading. Good job, both of you!

I have no idea what Dillon will do but I do know one thing!
I want you to update really soon like maybe this week
:D

This is pretty damn amazing, I must say ;)

This is so beautifully written. I enjoy the bluntness of the beginning, and how you opened up really quickly. The summary drew me in, and the writing kept me there, amazing!

I honestly don't think I've felt so sick to my stomach about a fictional person before. In the first chapter, I was honestly laughing at the start of it. It seemed rather light and fun with calling him a bastard. A good looking bastard, etc. I thought his assholish ways were all fun and games. But by the end, I was literally sick feeling because of Dillon. It slowly got darker and darker as it got on until it went from white to black. Dillon is completely fucked up - you've made that apparent from the very start. It's an incredibly start and I can't explain how wonderful this is. If you can make me feel sick about someone who doesn't even exist, you're a literary genius. I can't even right now. I'm at a loss of words because of how WARPED this kid seems. I just want to know as much as I can about this bastard and what in hell will actually be enough for him. I'm subscribing. <3

I decided to do this swap a bit differently. I'm going to comment on each chapter.

Chapter 1: In this chapter, I really loved how you were able to describe what Dillon is like. It made me feel angry at him, but it also made me able to feel how scared the kids at his school might be. You were really descriptive with his thoughts and feelings. It also seems like Owen isn't as into Dillion's plans and bullying as Ryder is. Ryder seems like he'll follow Dillion anywhere, but Owen acts as if he's simply there to save his own skin.

Chapter 2: I like how you describe each of the characters from the first chapter. I NEVER imagined that Owen wouldn't be buff and big, so that makes it interesting, seeing that he isn't someone you would normally see as running a school. Ryder sounds more like the person who you would see running a school. Keiran's perception of him being a man whore sounds pretty accurate. Ryder sounds like the type of person who's good looking and knows it, as well knows how to use it.
That was cruel. I could never imagine being able to stand by and watch someone do that. I could only imagine the sick feeling in the pits of the stomachs of all the kids that watched that.
I could feel that stare. At the end, the one that Keiran and Dillion shared. It gave me chills too, just thinking of that smirk.

Chapter 3: I still stand on my position on Owen. He just doesn't seem to fit in with the other two. Like he actually has a conscience. Wow. That was... I could just feel the tension in the room. I could picture his friends face, and feel his anger at the betrayal. This chapter blew my mind.

Chapter 4: I changed my mind about Owen. He seems to fit in just fine. But only on the edges, trying to make it seem as if everything that's being done isn't as amusing as it really seems to be. Gosh. You guys are good!

That story is amazing and I'm definitely subscribing to it. I'm glad I picked this one for the swap. Every word you write leaves me wanting to hang on for more.

-Story Comment Swap-

Chapter 1:T
his all sounds very forced. And some of the grammar isn’t right, which changes the meanings of some sentences. You’ve given Dillon a really good start – I completely buy into him being a world class asshole – but I think you could have conveyed this better by showing it in action rather than just saying it.

“The first two just sat on his shoulders and called themselves tall, but what’s the fun of destruction if there isn’t someone beside you to laugh along?” I really like that sentence. It has a metaphorical ring to it.

You have some good lines interwoven, but something’s preventing it from flowing. There’s too much telling and not enough showing.

Chapter 2:
This chapter flowed a lot better, but there was still a lot of telling and little showing. I understand that you’re introducing characters, and describing them from another character’s viewpoint was a good idea, but aside from that, there is still a ton of telling. I think the awkwardness with this chapter is the stream of conscious way you write. Use some punctuation to break it up some. It’s going to flow a lot better.

I got confused when Keiran described the crowd and a boy on the floor, and it wasn’t the pudgy football player. It totally makes sense that there would be yet another poor victim on the floor, but maybe say that it’s the next day, or the next week, or something. Add some kind of transition.

Overall, I think this story has a good foundation, but the execution is a little shaky.

WOW! I'm just excited to see what happens next!
:D

Definitely an eye-catching story :)
sorry my comment is so tiny...
cant wait to see what happens next! :D

Love the layout! It's really eyecatching ^-^. I like how you describe both the characters too. This story definetly has gotten my interest :)

The summary kind of reminded me of a mix of The Lying Game and Grease. The whole "let the games begin" thing and then the high school name reminded me of that.

Anyways, I loved the layout and the summary. They both really set the tone for the story, which is always good.

The first chapter totally pulled me into the story. I really liked your description of Dillon and how he's just a cocky asshole. I hate him though, because of the whole cocky asshole thing. He's very monsterous, which I always find is really cool to read about. Plus it's about a guy, in third person, which made me overly excited. I kind of like how he isn't afraid to prey on teachers either, if he had to. Very interesting.

The second chapter was awesome as well. I like how nice Keiran is and how he's willing to help the poor victims. I really liked how you described each of the trio. I think if Dillon wasn't there Owen and Ryder would be nobodies. Especially Owen, with the whole buckteeth thing he has going on. xD I felt so bad for Hayden, the poor guy. And the principal didn't even help him. Jerk.

This is a super interesting story, though. I hope Keiran will end up standing up to Dillon eventually, because someone needs to. Great job, I'm definitely subscribing. :)

This is very intense right away, and I like that. The character in the first chapter, Dillon, is so complex. It is stated as if he is 1D, just a total jerk who has no qualities, but you can tell that isn't exactly where he is headed for the whole story and that's very interesting. I really liked the description of him, so that was really great.

I enjoyed the second chapter, too. The descriptions of the goings-on was really interesting and I really enjoyed reading it. You did a good job of painting a picture of the school and the other various surroundings, and it was an interesting point of view to get it from.

Great job!