Losing Yourself - Comments

Firstly, I think this is a pretty enjoyable read (I've only read the first 2 chapters so far) but I have a few constructive criticisms.

Firstly, there are some points where the tense gets a little mixed up between past and present, but that's no real biggy. A big issue I had reading this was the fact that the narrator changes from one chapter to the next with no warning. I got suuuper confused when I went from chapter 1 to chapter 2, haha.

Speaking of the characters, I just can't bring myself to like Marian. I like characters who are a little endearing from the offset, and anyone who describes herself as a hot bitch just doesn't get any love from me. I know I've only read a couple of chapters though, so perhaps she would grow on me.

Anyway other than that I think you've got the story-telling pretty much down but switching point of view from chapter to chapter can lead to lots of repetition.

So the summary, to me, was a complete turn-off. The way you described Marian and Genesis made me completely uninterested in the story, and I had no real inclination to read about two characters who lacked so much depth tat they could be described as 'hot bitch' and 'sweet-caring girl'. The first chapter helps little. Its's a cliche opening, and doesn't really draw me in. Also, you aren't allowed to link to images in the chapters. Overall, I think this story is going to need some work. It's obvious you have writer's potential but the story line and the characters need some development.

Wow, I wasn't expecting such a long story, so it may actually take me awhile to get finished. Though, I hope that isn't any problem. I'm going to be writing this comment as I read, and I'll divide it up into chapters, so if it get's a little lengthy, I apologize. Starting off, I'm actually glad you didn't go pure white for the text, it can be pretty blinding to me. The first sentence reads a bit funny, mainly because of the my phone, I think you should either take out the or my, and you differ in tenses in this sentence, I am the worst with tenses so I understand, I think it would read smoother if it was, I stare at (the screen on) my phone for another minute, letting my eyes scan over the text for a second time. What's in parenthesis is optional, since you used the my, I was thinking possibly that maybe you meant to add something else, but could have just accidentally typed the/my, my fingers are world's worst at doing that.

"Whacha want bitch?" I cleared my throat and told her in a laughing tone.
This can be read a bit confusing, as it was the other person on the phone asking. I actually thought that maybe Genesis had said that, but wasn't sure. Maybe if you added, "she answered. I then cleared my throat and told her in a laughing tone. But just the way it's worded it sounds like, Genesis cleared her throat after Marian answered, and then said "Whatcha want, bitch?" in a laughing tone. If that makes sense.

I actually really like the butterfly divider, I think it's pretty cute.

Chapter Two
It's kinda nice reading fleshed out characters that don't have perfect dialogue and thoughts. They seem more real with the way it's written. So, kudos on that. :)

Chapter Four
Hm, I think I like reading from Marian's POV more than Genesis, lol. I think it's because I can relate more to her than Genesis.

All, in all, I really enjoyed it. Though it is cliche, I don't particularly mind, since I want to see the journey, which I'm sure will be super interesting. I'll check out more later. I think you have done a very good job so far. There are mistakes here and there, but there aren't so many that actually turns me off from reading, and I'm going to rec and bookmark it to come back to it. :) Good job, and thank you so much for recommending this to me.

I'm here from the comment swap. Rather than commenting on the first chapter like most people probably have, I chose to comment on chapter 3. Mostly this comment will detail what I think about the writing style and such.

For starters, the layout.... is okay. I feel like the banner could use some work, particularly the font. I really, really dislike the title. I don't think it's a good idea to use the word 'Urself' instead of yourself. It doesn't look professional and can deter readers. I also feel like using a subtle pattern in the background rather than having it all black would add to the layout overall.

The opening of this chapter is immensely cliche. I can't even begin to count how many stories I've read that have a drunk character about to go back to someone's place when they're interrupted. I just don't feel like it's a good start, though I haven't read the first two chapters, so I can't judge it that much.

As for your dialogue, I feel like it's okay in itself. I don't like the way the character talks when she's drunk, however. Saying that she slurs her words and describing her drunk state should be enough to let the reader know that her speech is impaired. This is just my personal opinion, however.

I feel like the two butterflies flying around are distracting. They annoyed me quite a bit when I got down to them, and I had to position the page so that I couldn't see them while reading.

Otherwise, I would just try to vary your sentence length a bit and use some higher levels of vocabulary. While you already do that somewhat, I would continue to work on improving it.

Comment Swap bought me here. This is a little cliche and not really my type of writing to read. The POVs are confusing but it's nice to know their different thoughts. The type of relationship they have makes the story interesting and I hope this story goes well.

**Here from comment swap**

Comment swap just keeps bringing me to all of your stories! I really enjoying this story. And I say it in that tense because I'm not quite finished with it yet. However, I am absolutely captivated with this story and really do hope that Marian and Genesis end up together! They seem fairly perfect for one another... Anyways! Keep up the great work and keep the wonderful stories coming! :)

Hello from the comment swap! This is really unlike the things I normally read, but there were not any noticeable spelling/grammar errors (the thing that irritates me most when reading) so I could read it without those... Like everyone else, I'm just wondering if they're going to get together in the end now....

Comment Swap!

This story is different from anything I have read before. I like the different point of views and telling the story from each side, but it is a little repetitive. I haven't quite finished the entire story yet so I am hoping that Gen and Marian get together! But it would be a major twist at the same time if they didn't.

As for spelling and grammar errors, I didn't see any that immediately popped out at me. So from what I could see, this is a very well-written story!

Keep up the work and I am sure that after I am done with this story, I will be on to the sequel!

YAY... Don't you ever give up of this series... This is fucking perfect. Great chapters and congratz :D

Keep on writing with the same dirty and addictive style
as Kyle said.

Absolutely fantastic :)

Seriously I wonder...
Are you guys gonna bring the two girls together in the end or not???

Hm... I hope you don't!
It will be a very good drama tragedy story.

Anyway, I haven't finished with this but I wanna check the sequel too
so I'll be back later and after reading the whole thing,
I'll tell you what I think seriously.

Keep up the great work.

And keep on writing with the same dirty and addictive style.

Sorry for stalking your comments
but I'm a fan,
so don't blame me! <3

It gets more and more interesting! :)
I love it even more now.

Seriously girls your story is addictive. <3

The different POV's are making it more interesting
from what I think at least. :X?

I liked the whole action thing with Kaya and Xavier
and Kevin's outburst of his feelings.

But what's gonna happen with Kyle?

And marriage, seriously?
Don't tell me Gen's gonna marry that guy,
girls bring Marian and Gen together
pretty pweaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeee :)

It gets more and more interesting! :)
I love it even more now.
Seriously girls your story is addictive. <3
The different POV's are making it more interesting
from what I think at least. :X?
I liked the whole action thing with Kaya and Xavier
and Kevin's outburst of his feelings.
But what's gonna happen with Kyle?
And marriage, seriously?
Don't tell me Gen's gonna marry that guy,
girls bring Marian and Gen together
pretty pweaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeee :)

So I kinda like this, but I would like it more if your chapters didn't repeat each other. I mean, I like the way you tell the point of view from both sides of the story.. but don't repeat the dialog, and changing one or 2 words in the sentences..

this story is very interesting. Nice job.

Post soon, pweaseeeeeeee :)

Badass characters ...
Love 'em! <333

I like Xavier's personality
and the nerve Thomas had
to show up before Gen's eyes :)