Losing Yourself - Comments

Awww, poor Marian! :'(
Gen I officially hate you!
Well, not seriously...
U know XD

Nice turn of events, I like it more.

In paragraph four it says, I sat the phone down the laptop again thinking what had happened.. It should probably say I set the phone down near the laptop again... After the butterfles in the fourth paragraph it says, I knew everyone on here and it was really fun seeing a club full of persons I knew. It should say people I knew. In that same paragraph I would be lucky if I didn’t know at least 20 from all that crowd. This sentence doesn't make sense to me, maybe try re-wording it?

In the fifth paragraph after the butterflies it says, The one with black hair and blue yes said switch 'yes' for 'eyes'. And also in the next sentence, 'while' is spelled wrong. ‘’You’re gonna have a drink with me first.’’ He said again. This sentence could do without the 'again'.. He didn't say have a drink with me first anywhere else... Do you know everyone on here? I caught you talking to almost everyone.’ Unless they're on the roof of a bridge or something I'm pretty sure that should say in.

I haven’t seen that kind of blue again. Maybe switch again for before. Yeap, I do. If you mean to spell yepp like that then don't worry about it, but its actually spelled like 'yepp'. I sat the cup down with my eyes never leaving his. Once again you should probably use the word 'set' instead of 'sat'. ‘’Nope without dancing with me.’’ Missing the word 'not' in paragraph seventeen after the butterflies.

Well this is interesting- I've never read anything quite like it. The only thing I would suggest outside of fixing spelling errors would be to shorten the recaps- it gets a little tedious to keep reading, and a little repetitive

I read a few chapters already and I like where this is heading, I'm interested in the different relationships and complications that come with them. Good job!

Dear toni dearest + nice co writer Marian ( Once_upon_a_lie is my cousin btw thts why i call her toni) this is a threat letter ..... lol jk but i read most of it and TONI if u dont post more u might get bit..... not u marian ur the nice one. Anyways i need serious help on something so if either of u guys could inbox mey that would be great kthxbai...

The first thing I have to say before I continue on is that the font is near unreadable. So. Dark. Dark grey against black? My eyes are going blind!!! I'm sure there's good stuff going in here but not that's readable. I'm probably not the only one who thinks so, so you should consider fixing that.I read the summary and the plot, at a glance, seems fine

I would love to see chapter 18 before my eyes 'LIVE' :p

I finished reading and I have to say I am amazed.
From what I saw this story is co-written so congratulations to both of you.

The layout is sexstatic (same with one chapter's tittle) and the story is fantastic! <333

I like that Marian acts like a guy with her feelings towards Genesis, she loves her so much that she did that kind of thing to Ethan. I was happy thought she did. :-) Badass!!!! I adore Marian's personality, she's the girl everyone is jealous of and so beautiful and Genesis personality goes well with together with bitchy Kaya.

I'm really curious to see what happens next with the guy that called Gen, the one who raped her. And that Kyle guy he's in the story again.

Thank you so much for posting as soon as you can girls!
Keep going with your amazing writings.
Good luck and keep us all excited with our mouths left open and amazed. 0.o

P.S.S. Actually I meant the as. And sorry for spamming your comments, but I don't know how to delete and edit... ):

P.S. Just getting rid of the at in paragraph four doesn't make it sound any better... try re-wording it too.

In the summary you spelled bury wrong. And it doesn't really pull me in much. The story is probably good, but the summary doesn't do it much justice.

In paragraph one, chapter one you said "My eyes glazed over... Glazed isn't really the proper word to use there because it means to cover, or coat something. So you might want to try something like, scanned over or examined or something along those lines. In paragraph three 'finger' should probably be plural unless you really mean she only ran one finger through her hair. Also in that paragraph when you said she held it up to her ear, I'd probably leave out the slightly.. it just makes it too wordy. And the last sentence in the paragraph doesn't really make sense to me. Try re-wording it, maybe?

Something I don't really understand also is the fact that in a few paragraphs she was pretending not to care and then all of a sudden she was crying when he was breaking up with her... You might have explained it well and I didn't just pay enough attention but I was just letting you know. And paragraphs seven and eight would work as one paragraph. And right before the butterflies those three paragraphs could be made into one if it is just Marian speaking.

I glance up right at the moment as she pulled her shirt down over her hips this sentence would work better without the word 'at'. Again you used the word glaze which once again means to cover or coat, and you could go without the word 'the' when you say her eyes take in every piece of her body or whatever you said. In the large paragraph you should probably say "Marian and me," even though they always say blah-blah and I is correct grammar, it isn't always.

That's only chapter one and you don't have to listen to it, but if you want me to I can go over some more chapters (: The story line and plot are definitely worth reading !!

This is a really cool story and the layout is amazing!

Wow. Pretty good.
Update please?

tthis is great!!
loving the layout XD
update soon? ;)
<3

Great work with the layout-cover thingy. <3
I have used that line too. ''It's not you, it's me.''
But here's the thing, I've also heard it.

I have to say I like it, thought the story would go a different way because of the break-up but it was much better. I look forward to what happens next