Shy as Can Be, Can't Meet Shy-er Than Me - Comments

i had never, ever, heard of angelo parente before, so i had to look him up, haha. i think you should definitely space out your paragraphs, because it was a bit hard to read, and maybe you should add... action, because although dialogue is importants, so is action. we as readers want to know what's happening around the characters, even if it's the tiniest thing. still, you have great ideas, and once you have a good format, i know this story can be capable of more and more. keep on writing x

I'm not too familiar with the guys of Motionless In White; however, this story sounds awesome. :) I did notice that you forgot some punctuation at the end of some of your dialogue. It's not a big deal, just something you should keep an eye on.

Anyway, this story is great and I can't wait to see where you go with it! Keep up the good work!

I like the idea here, as it's used a lot and everyone executes it differently. However, I think you should really work on making the story more detailed. When it's heavily dialogue like this, it makes it different to imagine things inside your head and doesn't add to the depth of the story. You should also work on spacing the paragraphs--I've seen it a lot recently, and a Mibba rule is to space paragraphs. I think with some fixing up, this story could be very well written :)

that was really confusing....i normally dont have any dialog in my stories, just detail and one persons point of veiw. I agree with everyone else. sorry. try to lessen the dialog and make paragraphs! it helpssss! (Comment swap)

I have to agree with the comments beneath me. I understand that making layouts can be a difficult task, at least you now know what style of layout is acceptable to use. As far as your writing technique I feel that with time you will get better. Nonetheless, great effort.

Comment Swap!

Space your paragraphs! It would make a huge difference. Also, less dialouge. More details. Also, it was a tad bit confusing and perhaps a summary would prepare your readers to put what their reading in context. Anyway, keep on writing! :)

-comment swap-
Hey there! I'm sorry, love, but I have to agree. It's all a bit distracting. It's a great story line and I think it could flourish, just revamp it. Add more descriptions, edit your characters. maybe change the layout. If you must, get someone to proof read it before posting.
Keep writing!

Hiya! Mibba's 'comment swap' feature sent me this way and I'm sorry to say that I agree with many of the points in the comment before mine! :( At times, I found it a little difficult to read due to the layout, though this could be easily rectified! There is also rather a lot of dialogue... I feel that this could be a great story if you think about adding more description and less dialogue into future chapters :) xx

Hello, I am your comment swapper and as it looks like, your first comment.

I just want to point out a few things.

Firstly, the layout of your story is extremely hard to read. When making a layout, the story content shouldn’t be too wide on the screen and it’s very hard to read white writing on a black background.

Secondly, the way you have set out your paragraphs have made your story nearly impossible to understand. It is Mibba regulation to double space each paragraph and that means dialogue as well.

Now, dialogue; there was way too much dialogue in your chapters and not enough describing. To draw in a reader, you’re going to want to use the describing of your main characters emotions to your advantage. Like, trying to connect with your reader and you could do this by telling everyone how she felt being kidnapped.

Fourth, I wasn’t quite sure if she actually was kidnaped in the first chapter or not. A lot of your sentences didn’t make sense and there were a lot of grammatical errors.

Maybe include more into the summary of the story? Just saying that she was drugged and that she was a shy person isn’t going to bring a reader in. You need to add more about either your main character or some hints of the storyline. The description and the first chapter are very crucial to keep readers.

I have meant no offence by writing all of this and because it is comment swap, I hope you realise I’m only trying to give you real feedback.