Death by Desire - Comments

@ bxgurl95
theres another one coming up right around the corner :)

Yay an update, I wouldn't hope he's not gonna let her off that easy

I actually found out about this story from another Mibbian before it was named Story of The Week (congrats though!) I think we'd appreciate an update regardless because this story has so many twists and turns that aren't expected.
Are they Hispanic (I don't want to be raciistor anythe Spanish; not that I mind at all of course I just didn't really expect it.) I love how well developed each character is and I like that the chapter show their own perspectives. I like that his mom took a stand (she's obviously no fool). They eal issues even though theyare in High School. I'm definitely sub-ing and reccomendin; this story is phenomenal.

Question: do you each write a different POV; like did you each come up with the idea for a different character? Also this story flows so well as if written by one person.

Love the update! -I think I smell a fight coming on- xD

I have to say, I didn't know what to expect when you told me about the story, but I was looking forward to it from the description. I just finished the fourth chapter, and I love it so far. I can't wait for an update, and you two should keep on going with this story, because you are doing an amazing job thus far. :)

To start off, this is just an amazing piece of work, of course there are some grammar mistakes and what not, but a quick proofread can easily fix those. As far as the sentences go, they seemed way too clumped together, so go back and space them out okay?

The dialogue's need to be in separate paragraphs. Aside that, the plot is mind blowing and the best I've read so far, very interesting. I am subscribing.

Thanks for telling me about this :) I really enjoyed it an I'm excited for the next chapter!!

Orion? Love his name. :) This is great so far.

It's sort of hard to read with the font color, so i found myself highlighting everything.
that was my only complaint!
Awesome job, the characters are so believable and true. I love it so much!!
subscribing <3

The black words against the black layout make it a little hard to read, but I like the melting ice cube and the Robert Frost quote, I adore him.

The story was good, with a few dialogue mistakes here and there. I like how you described Iris, I could definitely picture here, and I do know some girls like that :/ and girls like Victoria, too.

It was a good story, overall. Good luck with it c:

To start off, I'll comment on your layout. I'm just going to be honest here.... I don't like it. Even with my computer's brightness maxed out, the words still don't fit well with the black and I feel like I'm straining my eyes. The picture also seems a bit... misplaced.

My first impression of this character is that she's very... conceited. Very arrogant, and very odd.She's saying people are staring at her because she looks good? It seems in the first few lines that that isn't the reason. I don't like the way you just jump into a description of what the character looks like. Perhaps weave it throughout the chapter, rather than just diving right in and describing every inch of her.

The dialogue also bugs me. I like diaogue to be split: one quotation, followed by a few sentances, perhaps, before switching to a new paragraph. The way you've done it seems awfully annoying. It also seems now that they truly like staring at her because of her looks, but in the first paragraph, you made it seem like that wasn't true. It's just a bit confusing.

There are also quite a few problems with you punctuating dialogue. There are tips posted on mibba, and all over the web, and I think you would benefit from that greatly.

It also seems weird that the teacher replies "Oh, but I can. Now, off to class." to Iris. Most teachers I know wouldn't ever be so straightforward about that, even with their worst students.

I think if "best" were in single quotation marks, it would help you differentiate from dialogue and just plain out repeating something. Once again, perhaps you shouldn't jump into the character's clothing, make-up, etc.. Just take it slow.

I would also try to stray away from cliches if I were you... Your writing seems full of the normal things you find in a story. The typical vacation of her friend, Iris coming in late, the catcalls, the mean teacher.... It's pretty average. It isn't really exceptional.

oh my gosh i love it! please tell me you're going to write more

Hey Girl.
I like this story so far!
I'm wondering about this mysterious dude lol.
I also like the ice that's on fire.
Pretty neat. =)

Hello Lovely! Just so you don't get reported you need to fix the writing, You can't have big chunks of it. You need it to be in lines. For example yours is like this:

The dog jumped through the big blue roof. He then went to the doctors to treat a bruise. The doctor said "Oh blue what did you do?" And then the dog said. "I jumped through a roof of big ol' blue."

When it needs to be:

The dog jumped through the big blue roof, He then went to the doctors to treat a bruise. The doctor said "Oh blue what did you do?" And then the dog said.

"I jumped through a roof of big ol' blue."

So they're in paragraphs!

I like it! The paragraphs are a little long but I think it is great so far. Keep up the good work!