Sweetest Downfall - Comments

I am a fan of the Hunger Games, although I don't tend to seek out their fanfictions. As a whole, you both work together well, feeding off each other's updates. I'm not sure who writes as Emilyn and who writes as Shay, but there is a SLIGHT difference in your writing styles, not too obvious.

As a whole, there are small grammar mistakes here and there which I feel a careful once-over would fix. When I work with a co-author, I go over my co-author's chapters and get them to go over mine for any mistakes that I missed.

Some improvements that I'd love to see from you both is more emotion. You're both great with describing PHYSICAL things, but you don't tend to add in the emotional aspect, which greatly increases a story's quality.
I'd also like to see longer chapters, especially since your first few chapters are rather short (not sure about the remaining ones). Besides that, I think this is a lovely story.

Some inconsistencies with the story compared to the novels (which I might actually be off about myself...) are: The tributes all get on the same train, however, in the novel, I believe that they all have their own train when being picked up from the reaping and brought to the Capitol since they are all far away from each separate District. So, Emilyn wouldn't have been able to see Shay before then...but perhaps you did this so that he COULD see her before then?
Another thing, You comment on how the people of the Capitol are heavier than the rest of the world. Unless you're talking about how you cannot see their bones sticking out, then that's a bit off. In one of the sequel books, Katniss discovers that people purge to get rid of the food so that they can taste more. They're skinny because of this, plus, carrier tributes and the Districts that cultivate food would naturally not be as skinny since they are given/have the resources. It's the other poor Districts that are bone skinny because they can't afford it.

I only had time to read about 6 chapters, but overall, I enjoyed this. I definitely like the fact that the protagonists are from separate Districts. Solid fanfiction. Great work.

So I like this, I'm a big fan of the Hunger Games series and I thought you portrayed the overall feeling of the games pretty well. I only had time to read the first three chapters, but it was interesting to me seeing it written this way. Good job.

i love this story!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE UPDATE SOON <3

I love Emilyn!! Shay is a little too distant for me. Good job guys!!!! I love the story so far!!

so Emilyn does have a conscience c:
it's nice to know even the most ruthless do.
this chapter was so amazing, just UGH. and when Emilyn was thanking Shay, I was all like 'O HE LUVS HER ALL RIGHT. HE LUVS HER. AND SHE LUVS HIM.'
yeah.
please update soon? (:

*sniffle* Emilyn's idea of him saving her because she saved him was perfect. I like his character development quite a lot, and I no longer dislike him. Woot woot! :D Awesome chapter.

This story is so true to the book, the layout is amazing and TEAM SHAY!!!! I don't actually know why but I prefer Shay. Your story is absolutely epicly amazing. Good for you and update!!!!

Awe! He finally grew up!
:D
Yay!
Good job!
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<3

I'm ready for the next chapter! :-) lol

holy SHIT.
and this only has one page of comments
WHAT IS THIS
this story is so amazing, oh my goodness.
I am in awe.
Emilyn is so scary but so broken, Shay as well.
I really hope they don't kill each other in the end, or Shay doesn't kill Emilyn :c
I saw the characters and I couldn't help but laugh, because Shay's portrayed by Prim/the girl who played Prim.
ANYWHO.
please update soon!

i love this story and shay and emilyn should be together ...just saying

Y'all are doing really well! Very true to the actual books! Keep it going can't wait to see what happens next!<3

Oh my God... This stinkin' makes me crazy. WHAT IF SHAY DIES? Part of me thinks she won't, but...I'm still nervous. Ha-ha. Great chapter!

Everywhere they go is just death. Sigh.
Lol pretty green sky...pass out.
Too funny.
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Darn. This chapter actually made me like Emilyn a bit more, like how he assured Shay that if they were the final two, Shay could kill him and be the victor. *sniffle* That was just beautiful. And I love their back-and-forth banter. It's great. Awesome chapter!

Awe. They are cute together.
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<3

Holy crap. This story is totally awesome. It feels so true to the Hunger Games vibe, which I totally love. It's so interesting to read about a Career's experience, and a person who comes from a Career District but isn't technically a Career. And although there are a few typos and a couple of errors context wise, there aren't major enough to be distracting or anything.

I have to say, though, I do like Shay more than Emilyn. Emilyn's just much sneakier and, although smarter with the games, he comes off kind of rude. Which is his character, so kudos for making him seem like a real person. So I'm kind of hoping Shay, with her quiet intelligence and the fire of revenge in her, wins. :) I can't wait to read the next chapter! What an intense part to leave off... Ha-ha. Anyway, you have a dedicated reader in me. :D

Oh man. I don't even know what I want to happen.
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well Shay is now going crazy and Emalyn is.....going soft? I guess the word is....please dont kill him..is it weird that I laughed a little in this? Presh had this going for her....finally she died...with her head chopped off...cool...hahahahahahah...

Seriously loving this. Seriously. I love reading from the perspective of a career tribute. One mistake I noticed:

I'm what they call a Career tribute, I've trained all my life to be reaped into the Games, win them, and bring the glory to my home. My little brother must have stayed behind with him, trying to be like him. It doesn't make me mad. I'm going to win this, I thought to myself.

This goes back and forth from present to past tense. Are you doing it in present, ie. I am doing this, I am saying this, this is happening, or past ie. I was doing that, I was saying that, that was happening? Either way would work and be enjoyable to read but most seems to be in past, so it should be 'I was what they called a career tribute.'

Other than that, really enjoying the story!