September 21st, 2015 at 02:56am
Upon reading the first chapter, I can tell that you write your characters with such depth and brilliant impressions - you described Nathan Klein's attire and features especially well, I thought. His quiet, stern demeanour really created tension in the first chapter.
I loved how you mixed Zorah's thoughts back into the dry conversation she was having to endure with Helen with "dreadful".
I thought that was brilliant!
I also love the way in which you show us what Helen thinks of her - she really comes across as an insensitive and narrow-minded character but we also saw how professional she can be when she was presenting to Mr. Klein.
Your description of not only the characters but also the setting and things that appeal to the senses (like the coffee beans) is really well done.
The layout is as mature and beautiful as your writing style. I spotted only a few grammatical/spelling errors (if memory serves I think there was just one misspelling of 'both women' somewhere) which I'm sure can be easily fixed when the time comes to proofread the story. I'm impressed!
I loved how you mixed Zorah's thoughts back into the dry conversation she was having to endure with Helen with "dreadful".
I thought that was brilliant!I also love the way in which you show us what Helen thinks of her - she really comes across as an insensitive and narrow-minded character but we also saw how professional she can be when she was presenting to Mr. Klein.
Your description of not only the characters but also the setting and things that appeal to the senses (like the coffee beans) is really well done.
The layout is as mature and beautiful as your writing style. I spotted only a few grammatical/spelling errors (if memory serves I think there was just one misspelling of 'both women' somewhere) which I'm sure can be easily fixed when the time comes to proofread the story. I'm impressed!
I adore the maturity and it’s a breath of fresh air to read (since almost all stories on here are centered around teens, sigh). And it doesn’t hurt that your writing is flawless. 
Zorah's office sounds amazing. Who wouldn't want to work for Klein Technologies?
I'm not sure I like Zorah. I like her name, but I think she's far too negative. She wouldn't have gotten a tenure at KT if she weren't good at her job, so I think she needs to take a chill pill and relax. Also, Eric was interested in her from the very beginning. So why does she have so little confidence? Don't get me wrong, Zorah is definitely relatable-- I feel that she's a lot like me. But, I don't constantly think of myself as "forgettable". Instead of letting positive occurrences and comments boost her confidence, she overlooks them, completely, and focusses solely on the negative. It's kind of hard to like a character like that.
I kind of like Eric. But, I need to see the softer side of him. I've seen the cocky parts, and those are always fun, but I feel like Zorah, since she knows him well, has seen a soft, caring side of him that you have yet to show us.
Nathan..... Nathan is interesting, but... I'm not sure what to think of him. I feel like he could be a potential love interest, but, at the same time, I'm kind of rooting for Eric, right now. I need to see more of Nathan, before I can form an opinion. So far, though, he plays the role of "bigwig CEO" perfectly.
Helena's a bitch. I though she might be a friend, but, no. I don't like her. But, do keep her. Every office has someone like her, and to take her away would be to take from the effect she had on Zorah. And right now, I really want to see Zorah take a victory over Helena. So, definitely keep her in.
Moira is confusing. I feel like you tried to make her the boss that's easygoing, friendly, and that everyone likes, while still making her a very business-savvy boss-type woman. But, so far, I've only seen her as being the type of boss who stresses you out. I'd like for her personality to become more clear.
I do like the story, itself. While it does feel rushed, and it does need more details, more in-depth insights into the characters, and the work they do, I certainly like the places that it could go. But I think you should give more focus to details, and to editing, in general.
That being said, there were some spelling and grammar errors that I won't get into unless you ask me to. In fact, I have a knack for editing, if you'd like some help.
I noticed that you haven't made any changes to the story in a few months. I figure that's just because you're working on chapter 7. I certainly hope so. You can really write, and it seems that you enjoy doing so, which is very important. I hope to see more from you, in the future. :)