Wolf's Pack - Comments

@ XxBlackHeartAngelxX
Trying to convey emotion AFTER you've already written something is INCREDIBLY difficult. It's something that's much easier to do if you're conscious of it while writing it the first time. So, I definitely understand that you're having trouble with that.

Don't feel sorry about the formatting error! Everyone makes mistakes and you just didn't know
The Knowledge Base is really helpful for posting rules/standards and if you have any questions about anything you read in The Knowledge Base (or any other questions at all) feel free to contact me (or another Staff member) and we'd all be happy to help you out! :)

I'm glad I could make you happy, and you're welcome for the comment!

@ Sunber
thanks so much for such a helpful comment - I'm incredibly glad that you enjoyed my story so much, and I'm definitely going to pick apart the problems you mentioned and fix what I can (including using the suggestions in the sequel!)
anywho, getting to your comment in more detail...
i kind of understand what you mean about the emotion not quite being enough in parts - I felt somewhat the same as I was writing it, but that is the one error I can't seem to find a solution for. I have tried to rewrite/edit bits before, but I just can't seem to make it right. So I'll keep this in mind, but perhaps more for working on the sequel and my other stories than fixing this one, unless I suddenly get a brainwave =3
A huge thank you for pointing out the tense mistakes - I find them so annoying, and I'm always pointing them out to others, but I completely missed them in this one... definitely going to have to find them and fix them.
um. as for the formatting error, I feel kind of stupid for messing that up... again xD I just went through all my stories and spaced them that way because I hadn't spaced them enough last time -- I guess I need to go over the posting rules/standards and fix them all again, but at least this time I might get them right! =P
again, it makes me so happy just knowing that you think its a 'really great job' =D

I loved this. You have a very clear, mysterious narrating voice. It is lovely, and your descriptions are wonderful. You convey the scenery and imagery well without it becoming awkward and noticeable that that is what you are trying to do. It is something that is hard to do well, so great work.

I would have liked more emotion. Since you're so great at description, this shouldn't be too hard for you. In the Prologue, when she's first woken up from the noise, the nerves should be shooting through her body and setting her skin on fire with nervous tingles. Her nerves should speed up her breathing and enhance her hearing and the adrenaline should be pumping...but you don't have it pumping until second paragraph.

When you're writing these high intensity scenes, short and to the point sentences actually make the reader read faster and it causes their own adrenaline to be pumping, which is what you want to happen. You want the protagonist's emotions to be the reader's emotions.

You have minor inconsistencies in tense. You usually use past tense, but every once in awhile a present tense sneaks in there. Looking over your work and consciously looking for this will fix that right up (I know because I do it too )

I just need to add something about formatting: You do this thing where you start a new sentence on a new line. I've never seen this before. All of your sentences should be on the same line with simply a space separating them.

Although I said all of that, I really adored this to no end. I think it's absolutely lovely and you've done a really amazing job. Just trying to get the things out there that you can improve on so that I had SOMETHING to say besides "really great job".

Really great job

@ dr. faustus
Im so glad you enjoyed reading this, it made my day knowing that my work id appreciated and that you thought it was so great. =D

@ siriusly.
Thanks for the hints, its always great to get some feedback and support, so Ill definitely have a look at those formatting glitches. as for the narrative seeming brief, i agree - i would have liked to add in more details and exposition on the characters, but when i tried, it seemed to take away fom the concise nature of the whole thing; im thinking of a sequel though, so that might help with more details and backstory. Thanks for commenting! =)

Wow, this was beyond brilliant and wonderfully written! I don't know what else to say...there's so much I want to but I cannot write what I feel as of now. Your descriptions were full and interesting. Sorry I don't have anything else to say, but that's a good thing in my book! Great job.

I’m not familiar with the Killjoys concept really, but I feel you told the story in such a way that was understandable. I like your writing style, it reads naturally and contains a good balance of thought and action.

I would have liked more backstory for the characters – especially Shadow, Wolf and Missy as it feels like I didn’t get to know that much about them. Overall the story did feel a bit brief – maybe if the story took place over a longer time period, and Luna had more time in the tunnels and had more of an opportunity to have conversations with the Killjoys and got to know them better. I would have liked to have known more about Luna too – whether she has family, what she was doing before she was a nurse.

Just a few small formatting things:

In # Five, for this sentence:

the sound of someone trying to pretend something that really hurts isn’t. #5

‘Isn’t’ should be ‘doesn’t.’

“It’s not about winning,” Wolf shook his head, awkwardly placing his hand on her shoulders in a frail gesture of comfort.

In this case, the comma at the end of the dialogue needs to be a period, as the se

I’m not familiar with the Killjoys concept really, but I feel you told the story in such a way that was understandable. I like your writing style, it reads naturally and contains a good balance of thought and action.

I would have liked more backstory for the characters – especially Shadow, Wolf and Missy as it feels like I didn’t get to know that much about them. Overall the story did feel a bit brief – maybe if the story took place over a longer time period, and Luna had more time in the tunnels and had more of an opportunity to have conversations with the Killjoys and got to know them better. I would have liked to have known more about Luna too – whether she has family, what she was doing before she was a nurse.

Just a few small formatting things:

In # Five, for this sentence:

the sound of someone trying to pretend something that really hurts isn’t. #5

‘Isn’t’ should be ‘doesn’t.’

“It’s not about winning,” Wolf shook his head, awkwardly placing his hand on her shoulders in a frail gesture of comfort.

In this case, the comma at the end of the dialogue needs to be a period, as the sentence following the dialogue is a complete sentence that can stand on its own. There are a few places in your story where this occurs.

Overall it was well done. The characters were likable and the plot was pretty solid.

Okay so far I have only read the Prologue, but oh my god. You're writing is lovely, so descriptive. You can really see everything as it happens. It's so well written, I really can't complain. I'm not sure I like the font though. It makes it a little hard to read, and maybe you could double space your paragraphs so it doesn't feel as bulky to read.

Other than that though, it's a wonderful story! :)