Little Miss Innocent - Comments

I realize this story hasn't gotten any attention in a while but I really like it and it would be great to get another chapter

please update? please please please??????

@ McLover

@ city-musings.

Hey loves! I'm going to let you know, that I will be printing out the chapters i have now, revising them, and trying to put up some more! It'll be a slow process but I want to thank you guys for commenting!! <3

So, I found this and I got really excited, because I love me some James Deen. He is boss and just wow! Anyway, I really enjoyed reading the little bit that you have. I like the slow build and the relationship that the two girls have. I know it's been almost a year since you updated, but I would appreciate it if you did

update when? :'(

updateee pleaseee! :(

OMG! I just read it and it's so amazing. I love JD so much and I always wanted to read something of that sort. that's pretty amazing... love this. updateee sooon :)! xoxo

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!

I love this story so far and can't wait for the next chapter :)

I love this so far!

@ FrankNFurtherGirl
Thank you! I will try my hardest!

You need to update soon. Seriously, this is awesome.

omg!i like this story! update soon

@ Dexter.Morgan
Thank you so much boo I really appreciate it! I'll message you and ask if you can help me with some of those things. Love you! n.n

I really, really like the layout. I'm admittedly a fan of grey-scale and simplicity so I'm totally biased but I think it's clean and easy on the eyes. Credits to miss zombie of course!

Great title. That's all I have to say about that.

Be aware, this is going to contain constructive criticism, don't kill me >.<<br />
I know this isn't usually a big part of your story but I want to talk about your summary. I think it's effective but it can definitely be improved. (That line about falling for a porn star is spectacular, by the way.) Seeing as the summary is the thing a reader is going to judge on whether or not they're going to click the first chapter link, it has to be pretty much perfect.
The second sentence needs reworking. The more I read it the more it doesn't make sense to me. There's a tense issue within it and the 'anyones' needs an apostrophe, if you keep it. To be honest though, I reckon you could take that whole sentence out and it wouldn't matter.

I also think you're getting too descriptive in the looks department. It'd be safer to say "With her brown hair and eyes, and average amount of curves, she's your typical young woman," or something more along those lines. Personally, if I catch a character description in the summary and sometimes even in the first chapter, it puts me off. I think it's because I get immediate Mary-Sue vibes, despite whether there's much truth to that or not. Just something to think about.

Anyway, actual story. Like others have said, you need to focus on your tense issues. Personally, I struggle writing past tense, so my advice is, when in doubt, present-tense that shit up! Unless you're looking at events in a really serious, retrospective way, the present-tense is usually way more effective and carries more weight to it.

Not big on your opening paragraph, but your second is great. I think you should shift them around a bit. We don't need character development quite so early. It can be overwhelming for a reader.

Also, some of your paragraphs can be separated into smaller ones.

Okay, now I'm going to say this as a story editor. You can't have links in your actual story content. Story-related links in the authors' notes are fine, just not the actual chapter.

Aside from all that, I think you've actually got really great bones to this. Your description leans on the heavier side of things but as long as you keep the dialogue going, it'll be fine. Editing and reworking should clear all those little issues up and I'm confident this will go really well, hun. I like how you've taken at least a few chapters to introduce the *cough* 'cliffhanger guy *cough* because it's given time to develop Jessica and Hannah's characters.

Good luck and Happy Mibbaween! :)

@ cocoa4ever
Thank you! I know they were a bit slower the next one might be too. I just don't want to introduce James to soon! Thank you so much for your help I really appreciate it!!

Here's your Halloween Treat
First off, I love your layout- it's simple so you can read the text and it doesn't distract you but it also fits in with the story really well. There were a few grammar errors but I'm much, much worse so I won't critique you on that. I loved the first chapter and it really hooked me in, I also love coca cola lip balm but I'm going off subject The next two chapters were a bit slower but were detailed and were still very intriguing. Overall, I really enjoyed reading it and please update soon. Oh, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

@ Ash Ketchum;
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comment! I will go over the grammar mistakes and such, I really appreciate the constructive criticism, once again.

I'm here to deliver a Halloween treat (I'm everybody dies;, just dressed up, haha!)

I love the layout, and I think you've got a really intriguing summary. Knowing what the story is about as well, I think that the title works really well. Kind of ironic, haha!

Your first chapter really draws the reader in. Like a few people have said, there are a few grammar/tense mistakes, but they are minimal, and only require a quick proof-read to remove. Some of the time you are switching tense slightly, unless it really is too late for me to be online. When you say that she "got the urge", and then write about how she "[doesn't] know", that just seems a little...off to me. But it more than likely is sleep deprivation, so ignore me if I make no sense on that point ^^ The only other thing I can suggest is to put a little more description into your sentences, but even then, you're pretty alright in that respect. The storyline itself is simply fabulous, I've never read anything like it, haha! Your characters are panning out really well, and I'm really intrigued by the plot itself. Again, it has been said, it is a little slow-moving, but I don't mind that in the slightest. Just work a little on your grammar, and this story will be there! I'll be subscribing so I can see how you carry on the plot line! :)

@ Fandango
I shall edit that as soon as possible! Thank you so much! This brought tears to my eyes, I'm not even kidding. I love you so much!

@ makemescreama7x
And you! I love you so much too! Don't know if my grammar is correct there but.. meh. Screw it! c;