Dragon's Siege - Comments

I can't say that this genre is ever my particular fancy but I really like what you've done with this. In fact, I believe that even within your first two chapters there is improvement in your writing! It seems like the second chapter includes more character rather than just action, but then again, I am a reader who enjoys character development so that may be why I enjoy it so much.

I believe that your imagination is one of your best qualities. I would have never been able to create such a developed story within two chapters! One of the things that I think would benefit your readers is to maybe include some insight on significant terms or details from the "Dragon Age" series. I have yet to come across it and some of the terminology provoked curiosity. Sometimes, as writers, we neglect to see that the same image is not playing in our reader's heads. You don't have to give full disclosure but I would enjoy a little more insight :)

Lastly, as others have mentioned, you may want to focus on grammatical errors (which I see that you're doing!). I find that other's editing has always taught me more than any class. If you feel like it will work for you, try it!

This was so fascinating to read, seeing everything written in a guys point of view is not something I get to experience often and that is a definite shame. Your style of writing is amazing and I really do hope you update this soon!

Comment Swap:
I see a lot of potential in this I really do! (: It does things I can't even image doing, especially when you describe the characters in full detail. I'm always super bad at that, but you got it down perfectly. I hope that you will continue to add on this story. I'm looking forward to it (:

Here from comment swap.
I agree with a previous commenter, this does need some polishing. However, the overall idea does have a lot of potential, I love this sort of Lord of the Rings vibe to it. Although it gets a bit cliché at times and there's a couple of minor mistakes here and there but it's very enjoyable to read overall. Please continue, you're doing a good job! :)

I'm comment swapping. :)

I like the story. The title is interesting, as is the full summary and chapter titles. I like that a lot. I agree with discoveringclouds that it can be cliche at times, but that's alright. It's fitting, I think. I'm looking forward to more interesting updates and I look forward to seeing more of your other writings because I do think that you're a good author.

Dear Zeed,

A knight of a story is waiting underneath to be told. Waiting for his polish to finally brighten and attract individuals to his words. Waiting for the old crumblings of castles of the past to slip off.

The King sent us, a different King than your own, an honourable king with honourable goals. He sent us for literary purposes to your tale of Dragons. We are the Knights of Comment Swap here to aid your tale.

Your description is nice, just a little bit cliche at times. Cliches are those familiar descriptions, characters, phrases etc. that call to you to put them in. They used to be original until everyone started to use them. Try to keep your description as original and fresh as possible.

You need some editing, the King can spot editing errors seventeen and half pages away, so this one was a bit obvious and he even wanted us to say it first. Make sure to edit through you story, read it slowly and carefully. You need to give the story time if you want people to read and enjoy it.

There is a little bit too much gore, it might be good to tone it down a little, or bring it with a purpose. The ogre part seemed a bit over dramatic.

As for your dialogue you need to put those on separate lines so that is clear that someone is speaking. You can look online or even here in the Kingdom of Mibba on how to write stories.

This seems like a story with a lot of background, and it needs to be explained a bit. Although, we Knights, have not read this tale before we would like to know these backgrounds and histories so that we may imagine this story in a fresh way. Even if this is based on something it needs its' own description and explanation. This way readers who never played the game or books can easily catch up and follow along.

It's a unique tale, with Eragon style writing, and bringing your originality in will make it blossom into victory.

Also it would be good to play with sentence length. The King sent this example:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

All the best with your writing. Bring clarity to it, and let the meanings you want to come through be strong and good.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

@ Zeed

Well, to be honest I think you should go simple: white background and black text. Therefore, the white background will contrast well with the black and red background and make it stand out, but not make it stand out so much that it's really hard to read. The black text will just make it look formal, if that makes sense, and overall it would be easier to read and a good contrast. The links should be red, as well c:

Until I get my Layout refinished, it shall be default.

@ Jar Of Hearts;
Do help me here, because i'v been playing with this for awhile, what would you recommend for a layout?
colors and such with the exception of the background for the effect.

Hello, comment swap brought me here c: The layout is rather bright, I like the background but the text is too bright and it makes my eyes hurt. You're a really good writer though, your descriptions are eloquent and vividly detailed, and I can picture everything that happens in my head. However, I do recommend a change in layout because people might not want to read on due to the harsh layout, and that might make them miss out on such an excellent story!

Hey comment swapper ahoy... erm, I have no idea what dragon age is tbhhh but I've read the first chapter and I really enjoyed it, your writing flows very naturally and you set the scene well.
As said below though the layout is quite hard to read, and I would suggest a light text background so there isnt as much of a contrast :)
good luck with your writing!

I loveeeeee stories like these! It is a very creative story and although I have just began this, I am eager to read more. You should really considering actually publishing this one day. It is really good!

I saw this story on the comment swap. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't read past the first few paragraphs because the layout was so harsh on my eyes. However, what I did read was excellently written. It contained incredible detail and every word pulled me in, wanting more. I wish I could've finished it. I suggest changing the word color to a darker red. Bright colors against black is a big no-no. -A

Erm. As you can tell, I've already commented. However, comment swap sent me here again. I'm just going to kind of fill space. I like this story some, but I don't completely understand, you know? It's not personally my thing.

I've never heard of Dragon Age. I could be completely wrong, of course, but is Dragon Age something famous this is based off of? I just don't know if this should be marked as Fan Fiction rather than original. Sorry if I sound like a complete idiot, just checking.

This story is good, I like how you set it up; and the description for the story was good. It will be interesting to see where you take this. Your descriptions were vivid and you have a great start going for sure. I will admit I haven’t heard of Dragon Age either.

I'm among the ones that haven't really heard of Dragon Age save for the name, but this was a pretty good beginning to your story. There were a few grammatical errors with commas and such, but nothing too major. Keep writing! :)

I actually don't mind the little diamonds in front of the paragraphs. Your layout seems to fit the story well, and I like your writing style. I haven't actually heard of Dragon Age, which may impact my opinion. Your descriptions are very colorful and vivid, but I agree with some of the other comments that a little more proofreading could really make this a lot better.

To be honest, I've never really heard much about Dragon Age but I do like the first chapter of your story. I find that it's well written, although there might be some tiny errors in your transitions and your periods, but otherwise, it's good. I like your idea and I hope you're able to really bring it out in a nice way.

You have punctuation errors, tense issues and funny diamonds at the front of your paragraphs. I would highly recommend having someone Beta Read your work before posting it, but other than that you seem to have a very nice style of writing and good idea of a story.