Beautiful Beautiful - Comments

Hey, I like how much your character cares for the other. You have a good idea and a direction you clearly want to go. I do think there could be more description about where and how they are feeling between dialogue. I think your off to a wonderful start! Keep it up!

I would like to see you set the scene a bit more. I think it would help with the flow and understanding the time frame a bit more. I agree with the other comment of it being a bit rushed.
Also, I like the dialogue you have going between the characters. You can really get a sense of how their moods are changing.

Also, I like the dialogue you have going between the characters. You can really get a sense of how their moods are changing.

I would like to see you set the scene a bit more. I think it would help with the flow and understanding the time frame a bit more. I agree with the other comment of it being a bit rushed.

Nice concept, felt like it could've been better executed though. I was getting really confused at the alternating chapters and all the characters. I think the base you have is really good, but kind of forced. I felt like you should've focused more on the whole "learning to love yourself" aspect rather than the "getting a makeover solves all your self-confidence issues" trope. Everything felt rushed and not thought out, like you were just trying to get it all out, instead of focusing on what you were trying to say. I couldn’t really connect with any of the characters as the all felt really two dimensional. I feel like if you expanded on this, worked on your dialogue and steered clear of presenting the message that the only way to be happy with who you are is to completely change yourself, then you could make a really interesting story out of this. I look at this as a work in progress, something that if you came back to and reworked, could be really awesome. Keeping it up and know that everything I’ve said is just constructive criticism from someone who has been writing since they were fourteen and struggled with very similar issues. Learn and grow and you will be awesome!

Alrighty. First things first-- I think if you put a summary on the main page under your banner, you might draw more readers. Generally readers like to get a better idea of what they are reading so they don't have to read three chapters before they understand. You don't have to give away everything, but a bit of a hint, something to draw them in and get them interested in the story. It also keeps them from being too overwhelmed with information right off the bat.

Okay. Good stuff. Layout is good, and I like your banner. I like seeing the faces of the characters; helps me visualize them as I read. I didn't read everything, but what I did, it was off to a good start. :) I think you have some solid ideas for your stories.

P.S. I feel really silly commenting on a dead thread for a comment swap.... Is there a way to remove it from the list for future swappers? I have no idea, I'm new to this comment swap thing. Just spit-balling.

Happy writing!!

So, I like this. It could've used a wee bit of work but I think this is, overall, my favorite thing you have written. I know I'm supposed to write at least 100 words but I really don't have 100 words to say, I'm sorry.

Comment swap :p
I feel weird posting a comment on here since the thread looks dead but I might as well.
I'll start off by saying I've read way worse than this. The overall plot (from what I can tell) could be really good. I think what makes this confusing is the layout and how the scenes transition. There should be more detail because I find myself wondering where the characters are and what they're doing. This is just a little pet peeve of mine but the character's names don't have to be THAT unique in order for them to be memorable. You can have memorable characters with normal names. Speaking of the characters I feel like they are kind of 1 dimensional, they seem a bit stereotypical and uninspired. I feel like I seen many characters like this before, I understand if you wanted to make the characters relatable but you also have to make them different. This could've been a good story just need some improvement.

With some editing work, this could really be cute. The premise is really sweet -- something all girls can relate to. Even when we have people who constantly deny our flaws, we still have them.

I'm not going to repeat what the others have said, just...some character development, please? I had no idea what sex Katarzyna or Lakota were until the 3rd chapter (you never know on Mibba).

Just work at it. You have potential :)

I am really lost, just after reading your first three chapters. I don't know what's going on, and I would actually really like to. I'm intrigued but to be honest, it's hard to go on when I'm so confused. In the note from Zyna's past self to her new self, you have a grammar error - you just need to put an apostrophe in "you're". In your fifth chapter, Stefan and Zyna are talking about Dallas and it's mention that she's using "bigget" words, I think you meant "bigger" and, in this case, you need to put an action before bigger (i.e; using). You have a few spelling mistakes in Chapter 6 - I might advise asking a friend to edit your chapters for you or even re-reading. Your last paragraph in chapter 6 is also rather confusing. The first sentence feels like it belongs to Lakota? Overall, this is a really good story, and like I said, I'm intrigued. I just wish you would put some more detail into it.

Okay I'm so sorry for saying this, but a bit more detail would be fab. I became a bit lost (not the good way). There are a few grammar errors revolving around the usage of commas. I usually am one for short chapters 100%, but that entails that they must get their point across. I mean just a bit of time put into this and it would be fantastic.

I don't want to be redundant but the story needs more description. Its not horrible, but it definitely needs to be developed more. One spelling error I noticed was in chapter 2 in the note. it should be "isn't" The story has potential, but needs work. Best of luck to you.

I don't really know what the story is about, and this might me a strange comment, but I think the summary tells little about the story and seems like it's more a personal note to the reader from you.
"~BELL.~" - I don't like this. Maybe just describing the sound would be better? I don't want to be so negative but, like a few other comments say, there is a few things that need work. Maybe getting an editor or something could help?

You have the potential for a good story here, but like all stories, there's some things that could be added. It'd be nice to learn a little about the characters at the beginning, so that we start to care about them. Perhaps some more details and descriptions to break up the dialogue. At the moment, it reads a lot like a script rather than a story.

Like I said, your story has potential, I'm sure you can make it great! :)

Comment swap!

Don't wanna sound redundant, but: dialougue, descriptions, characters, green background.

Anyway, from what I could grasp, the main idea of the story is not bad, but it is garbled up in the aforementioned issues. Just fix those up, and you should be good to go. :)

I agree with some of the other comments. There needs to be more description, with just the dialogue the story is confusing and kind of hard to figure out. Also, the reader needs to get a sense of who you're characters are and how they all fit within your story.

I'm gonna have to agree with everyone else here about the dialogue vs descriptions thing. I wasn't entirely sure what I was reading. I was hopeful the story would get better after the first chapter, but I was still entirely confused by the second chapter. I didn't get the characters at all. A great story will make the characters feel like you know them personally. Think of when he calls her prettier than the most beautiful girl in school. How does she feel? When he found the letter to her future self, what emotions were he feeling? Simply adding in little things like that are going to give your characters more depth and make it easier to relate to the people in your story. Don't worry, you can make this a great story! It's just gonna take a little work. Good luck!

i'm agreeing with the other people; the dialogue is a bit too much, and i feel like all the names are just names, not people. dialogue only stories work when they're not chaptered, and when it's just a couple people, or when the bond between them all is sort of established, otherwise it reads confusingly to the reader. also, instead of putting "~BELL.~" why not just describe the bell ringing? that doesn't make sense. and then the note is weird. i don't understand the story at all, i'm sorry. there just is a lot that needs to be worked on before i'd get it.

I have to agree with some of the other comments. Green background was a choice that maybe wasn't the best, and all the dialogue really leaves a lot to be desired in the way of thoughts and descriptions. It's not bad writing, there's just room for improvement. Don't give up on it, but consider adding more writing that isn't dialogue.

There is way too much dialogue. You need to have something else because reading just dialogue is boring and confusing. It's hard to understand what's going on and it seems as though nothing really happened. Just work on adding descriptions and actions to make your story flow better.