Beautiful Beautiful - Comments

story comment swap
I'll be quite honest, this story held little light to me. For one thing reading on a green background is difficult, I would suggest a white background. Another thing the first chapter left me stumped. I was introduced all these characters, Lakota, Katarzyna, Lucetta but I don't know who they really are, they're just names. The story needs depth, more to it then just the dialogue. In some cases that would work but for this it really just left me. With that said it does have a good idea behind it, a lot of girls do have insecurities so that is realistic but I think the way you wrote this wasn't very realistic, the dialogue seemed forced. I think with a little sprucing up and an editor you'll have a real gem here though.

It's kind of lost to me the begining is to abrupt, you give no real sense of the characters or their surroundings. You should probebly give more desrcription out side of the dialouge

It's kind of lost to me the begining is to abrupt, you give no real sense of the characters oir their surroundings. You should probebly give more desrcription out side of the dialoge.

Since it's just the first chapter and what not, I can't really tel if I liked it or not, so I'mma stick with it. Anyways, the writings good, but you didn't really give any description or information on it, so I don't really know what this story is gonna be like or what it might be about. I do feel a somewhat personal connection because a lot of girls feel insecure about their looks and what not. But again I don't know if that's what you want your readers to feel. So good luck with the story

I think that this really shows the insecurity that many girls face. I also think you have a decent story line, but, like the other comments previously stated, there isn't much to work with. There isn't a lot of detail or anything. It's just a short, confusing conversation.

I do think this is cute, but it was really blunt. There wasn't any mystery or anything that really hooked me in. I think if you work on it, this can be a good story. Keep on writing! :)

Okay. Where is the pull? What makes me want to come back and read the second chapter? There is almost nothing about the characters, it is extremely short, and besides dialogue there is no substance. You need to figure out what you want to say with the first chapter. My first impressions are, and I'm just trying to help here, that these two are dating. One is a whiny little girl who is way too open with her insecurities and the other is a pushover guy who is in an unhealthy relationship, loving someone who can't even bother to love herself. (A word that comes to mind, for both of them, is pathetic.)

I should love your main characters. There should be something about them, something that is revealed at least a little in the first chapter, that makes me want them to win, to come out on top. Something about them that is good. Right now, I don't like them. And since you have no plot, no story, characters are all I have to go on.

Does this make sense? Feel free to message me with any comments/concerns/questions.

I agree with many grams. I felt like this chapter could have definitely been longer and used more info on the characters - especially their relationship. I'm not entirely sure if they're friends, friends with benefits, or boyfriend/girlfriend, or even girlfriend/girlfriend.
I like the layout, though, and the plot definitely seems interesting. The ending was a pretty good cliff-hanger, too. I kinda want to subscribe just to see how serious she really was when she walked out crying.

Definitely needs more detail, as it is mostly dialogue. You don't really get a feel or emotional pull to any of the characters. I don't know where they are, or what they are doing, really. There was no passage of time either. Try describing what the characters feel and think, what is going on in their minds. Everyone has something going on up there, and the readers would love to know the little things they think about that make them whole, well-rounded characters.

Wow, I love the names. They're very original and interesting. I admit though...I can't pronounce some of them. I really love the plot so far and all too. Haha, I also like your story picture; that was cool. Umm, like all the other comments say, I think you need a little more detail. Hey, better to have good ideas though, than be good at detail with NO ideas! Keep going with this! :)

Hun, I think the storyline of this one chapter was really sweet, but I did notice that you needed a little improving on your writing. Please don't take that the wrong way; I'm trying to encourage you to write more. Practice really helps, I can safely say. But I'm sure this story has potential. (( :

This was an okay start, but I feel it could be better if you added more detail to the story. Don't make a chapter purely dialogue. Try describing the emotions the characters are feeling as they talk, or the situation they're in, or something to that effect. Keep writing.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. But here's my number, so call me maybe. ;)
In other words: Comment swap brought me here, 'cause it's not too smart. Well, it is, but I like turtles. Since I already left a long comment about the story plot and everything, I don't feel the need to type more. Bye, bro.

Now for an actual comment about your story, yeah?

Your main character, Stefan is great. I mean, the way you developed his personality is amazing. A story about a male acrobat with anorexia? Genius. It makes me so sad that his girlfriend, Ava is cheating on him with Lucetta. I didn't expect her to be a lesbian at all.

This story is falsely marked, however. If you're going to make Hilary Duff his younger sister, that makes her a character in your story, yes? Therefore your story should be a fan fiction. You should also work on your grammar. Is English a second or third language to you? It seems like it. I suggest you invest in a beta, and an English tutor.

His circus mates make me laugh so much. Katarzyna doesn't seem like the type, to me, to be a clown. Though I do like how she's the murderous type, but regrets her actions as she begins to fall in love with Lakota. You can really tell she regrets it by the pained expression on her face in the picture you used. However, you can't tell any of her emotions by the way you wrote when you did the paragraph in her point of view. Of course, that could just be because of the whole bad grammar thing. I'm not sure.

Lastly, I find it adorable but highly improbable that a small child would be hired as a circus conductor, even if she was hired at last minute when the previous conductor was eaten by the elephant. By the way, aren't elephants vegetarians?

Wait, that wasn't last. Oh well. I love Russia as a setting, but you didn't include much about Russian culture.

This story was sort of shallow and pedantic. But somehow, I love it and want to subscribe. Keep writing, I hope you win the contest. Also, you should find a way to work the wish into the story. Maybe the young circus conductor could be insecure? I don't know..

I stole your story's comment virginity. That is all.

Wait, no it's not. Can I take my toe bandaids off? They're bugging me.

Now THAT. That is all.