Lilith - Comments

Comment Swap -

Your character development is simply excellent. I love when authors like you work so much about your characters into their actions, like Lilith's protectiveness of her brother. It creates a great sense of understanding and empathy; of being within the story.

I am not a fan of fantasy. People are generally very bad about maintaining a universe that is not their own, so it is a major turn-off for me. You, however, manage to keep everything consistent and clear throughout your story, which is commendable. I think your length of writing is very appropriate; it's plenty long enough to have substance, but not overwhelming like other things can get.

Your chapters always have great introductions; they really grab the reader's attention and make them want to keep reading. Overall, your writing is excellent! Keep writing for sure :)

The one thing I'd tell you to make sure is proofread - taking a little longer to post updates is worth not having mistakes, not that yours is rampant with them.

I think you do a great job with getting the reader immediately interested. Your first chapter leaves a lot of questions for the reader and it forces them to continue reading. I didn't really see any grammatical errors, so nice job on that. The concept is really interesting to me and like I said before, even if it wasn't interesting, the first chapter is so vague you really need to continue reading in order to feel satisfied. The only thing I would consider is being a little less liberal with your descriptions. I am in agreement with other commenters that you have a gift for imagery, but there was some points where I was getting a little lost in the metaphors. I would just switch it up from time to time in order to keep the reader from feeling bombarded by metaphors and similes. Overall, you have a really great start here! Good luck with your story! You've got wonderful descriptions throughout the story. I love your paragraph and chapter lengths. They're just about perfect. But, I would suggest proofreading a little. There are a few mistakes throughout the piece. Though the story is a little hard for me to follow (probably cause it's just not the genre I'm into), it's still sounds like it has great potential! Keep on writing! :)

I love the Vampire Academy books, and reading this continues the love of this series. I loved how, in the first chapter, you introduced your characters, gave back ground, and kept me interested in reading the rest. The background looks WONDERFUL!!! It looks so cool. I doubt I'd have the patients to do that for a background. Can't wait for another update!

Hey I'm a commebt swapper I've only read the first chapter but I really enjoyed your story. You have great attention to detail and have clearly thought everything through. also within your first chapter you have introduced your characters and gave the reader background information while keeping them interested.

The new layout is pretty although, the text is still hard to read.

I've never read Vampire Academy fics, because I was never really interested, though I'm glad I read this one. It was interesting and I think I got hooked. :) I suggest writing less dialogue and more description, or just keep the amount of dialogue and write a bit more description. Though, don't over-due it. It shouldn't seem like it's unnatural. It just has to flow, right? :) Awesome job and keep it up!

I like the dynamic of the story and how easy the layout is to read. However, I think you focus a little too much on dialogue, without description and in some places I think their relationship as brother and sister could have been explained better. But overall, it's a nice, fun read.

I haven't read anything from the Vampire Academy series, but now I really want to go out and get the books, I loved the beginning and how it started with people talking instead of a description, I thought that was very good and different, you've thought this out a lot and I can't wait to read more on the story, keep writing! xo

This is my first time reading something within the Vampire Academy series, and I've come to like it very much. I love how you wrote it, with the detail and the description. The way Lily and Alex bickered in the first chapter reminded me greatly of my older brother and I, who has just come home from college. I remember crying when he saw him off at the airport and this part reminded me of it:

"I had the sudden urge to stomp my foot, but kept my arms crossed over my chest instead. “Well…that’s stupid.” He smiled. He knew I’d given up, at least for the moment. He kissed the tears on my cheek and hugged me until I hugged him back."

Great, great story. You've got yourself a new subscriber. :)

I came across this story on comment swap, and even though I never read this kind of story (especially the whole vampire thing) I have to say I love this. It's very nicely written, the description is very vivid and I like how you managed to give a more-or-less accurate portrayal of the brother/sister and daughter/son relationships in just two chapters. The layout is great, too.

However, even though the background information on vampires is appreciated, it got a little boring and confusing to read. I agree with some of the comments below - for the summary, I'd have something which tells you more about the story. Maybe having the summary as a prologue instead would be a good idea.

All in all, though, good job. I think I'm subscribing to this :)

I really enjoyed this story. I'm intrigued to say the least. I can't wait to see how it plays out further.
As far as the layout goes, I didn't find a problem with it. It's very well done. I love the color schemes. The only thing I would suggest is to change the font color. It can get hard to read on the parts that are darker green. I suggest perhaps grey or white. I'm not sure, you'd have to test it out.
Your writing style is very good. You kept interested from beginning to end and that's not an easy feat. I actually find myself wanting to read more. I can't wait until you write more.
Another small tidbit: in chapter one you state that the main character hates to be treated like a child. I'm sorry to say this, but from her actions, I can't help but view as a child as I'm reading it. I'm not sure of her age and it's not coming through in the writing. If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, I suggest she act a tad more grown-up.
Besides that, it's very well written and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

I happened upon this story because of the comment swap thingamahoozey, but I found that I really like it! I agree with whichever other commenter said it, though, that you were VERY unclear on the fandom that this was based off of. If I hadn't read the Vampire Academy novels, I would have absolutely no clue about some of the things in this--just minor details, but still, if someone hasn't read the books and this ends up giving away spoilers, it could very well piss some people off.
Your writing style is very good, and I have seen little or no grammar or punctuation errors so far.
I'm gonna keep up with this story! It's very interesting! Can't wait for the next update!

I think the writing in this is very good and a very interesting plot seems to be forming, but like every story there are a few tweaks that can be made to make it even better :)

The most glaring issue for me is that the summary is VERY broad. I didn't know what you were talking about in terms of who the fanfic was about. So making that clearer would be good. As stated below, writing a summary that is the same thing as what you wrote for the very first chapter is very impractical. If you want to use an excerpt from the story, I would use one of the later chapters for it. If you don't have those written quite yet, then just do the background info of the story. Like my name is Lilith, but I hate being called that so people call me Lily.

You have very good formatting for your dialogue. I always forget to use a comma instead of a period, and you do that! Nice job!

I can't really say all too much because there are only 2 chapters, but from what I can tell, this will be a great story!

comment swap
In a summary, I look for something a little more direct. While it left me wondering and the writing was decent, it was sort of long and didn't introduce much of a plot line or the characters. I did really like the line It made me feel like a child, and I didn't need to feel any shorter. But then I opened the fist chapter and it was immediately what I had just read which was sort of tedious. Why bother with using it as a summary when its going to be the first thing the reader sees when he/she begins to read? Also, your disclaimer confused me. Is this based on a novel? You should be more clear with background info and not just assume that your reader knows exactly what you're planning to write about. Another line I was particularly fond of was he informed me, coldly. The ice dissolved quickly though, and he softened again. This is a good description and gives us some insight into the two characters' relationship. It's clear you are a pretty skilled writer. Best of luck!

the psoter before me is right about the layout; the bright blue is sort of killer on the eyes. perhaps some soft pastels would be better. the emotions are killer and i like how this totally is like that book vampire academy, with the alchemists? is that what this is referencing? AH IT IS, OH MY GOODNESS. THIS IS POSSIBLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE FANDOMS AND YOU NEVER SEE THE ALCHEMIST SIDE OF IT. THIS MADE MY DAY. and your writing style is top notch and then ugh i'm very happy with this story right now

I dislike the layout greatly. It's horrible and makes the story hard to read so after the summary, I changed onto the default layout.

Whoa. The emotion in this chapter is just upsetting, really upsetting. You can feel her anger and pain through it all and man, it's upsetting.

I feel for her, I really do.

You're a REALLY good writer, do carry this on because I can see this being a REALLY popular story. Like, stupidly insanely popular.

Hello,I just wanted to say that I found your story on comment swap, but even though I found it through that, I really enjoyed your story. Your story flows really well, and right away with the summary I was drawn in and interested in to read the actual story. With your story, I really liked it, even though it was a fan fiction, and I wasn’t sure who it was written about. Even though I didn’t, you made it easy to enjoy without having to know the whole persons background, and could read it without being confused or lost the whole time. Also, with that being said I thought the story flowed really easily, and didn’t have any problems with things like grammar, spelling or anything. Also, on a note that’s not really life or death, or make or break your story, I really liked your background. It was cute and didn’t take away from the story, or make it hard to read, and went with the story and added a cute touch. That being said, I really enjoyed your story and will definitely continue to read it. Good job, and can’t wait to read what else you will post. 