June 19th, 2012 at 04:32am
The general concept of this story is good. It could be a good story if written properly.
However, I have a few points of criticism.
In the summary, you used the wrong "your."
You used "your", which is for possession, like "Your keys." or "Your eyes."
The word you want is "you're", which is you are. "You're next." or "You're last." You are.
In one part, you misspelled believe. "He never said thank you because he belied that he didn’t have to."
Before posting your chapters/story, I suggest you edit carefully and slowly over it to avoid misspelling a word as simple as that. Use an online spell check if you have to - if you're not using Word. It'll help you catch those small errors in spelling.
Your punctuation was good so there's nothing to really go into that part of the story generally. A few mistakes, but nothing overly major. But to help you understand where they are, here:
“Derek, baby! There you are!” , squealed a busty blonde woman.
The comma before "squealed" shouldn't be there. This is the kind of punctuation mistake I'm referring to. It's a misplaced comma which is strange because a comma indicates a pause. If you need help with dialogue, this article can help you with generals. It's very spot-on.
Also, you need to remove the picture out of the middle of the chapter. If you want to put that picture to Derek so that's what your characters see, that's fine. But that's what the character section is for or the author's note where you can link things. Make your characters here and add them to the story. There will be a tab at the top of your story where "Read", "Info", "Comments", and whatnot are that says "Characters"; if you don't want to do that, then just link to the pictures in the author's note. It'll be better. The only picture you should put in the middle of a chapter is a page breaker, to break up different times in the chapter. Like where you put "XXXXXXXXX" in your chapter. A page breaker would go there.
Anyhow, back to the story, this is good. It could be a great story if you go about it properly. I wish you luck with the future chapters, and I hope you take nothing that I said too personally or assume I was being rude and mean! (:
I can't wait to read more of it.