You Looked So Good In Blue - Comments

This hasn't been updated in ages which is so annoying because it sounds like it would have been really interesting! Even if you haven't continued this, I'll definitely look for anything else you've written because I really like your writing style, its very descriptive and really lets you build a picture in your mind.

Comment Swap.

Judging from the last time you updated, you probably aren't going to continue this anymore but I thought I'd let you know you're prologue is already amazing. It doesn't give away too much about the story and it makes people want to come back to read it. I'm not really sure what just happened, a murder maybe (?) but it's probably going to lead up to something amazing.

So if you are reading this comment, I hope you update soon. 36 comments on a short prologue is great and I can tell you're going to get a lot of great feedback for this!

Comment swap is giving me some A+ material to comment on.

So I'm pretty in love with "spiderweb of nylon." You perfectly describe that stupid thing tights do when you accidentally catch them...despite this obviously not being accidental. I'm so intrigued by this and I really hope that you update this soon. I want to know who this girl is. I want to know who's looking at her. I want to know why the blue dress is significant (because I'm assuming from the title that it is.) Please update this soon. I want to know what's going on!

Hi, I'm from the Comment Swap!
Okay, this is beautifully written and wildly compelling, so I'm going to nitpick (sorry). You use the word 'grazed' twice, and I don't think it's necessary the second time.
"Her tights, shredded just like the skin on her knees that was partially hidden behind spider webs of nylon." This sentence is confusing, but I love(!) 'spider webs of nylon'. Maybe it would make more sense as "Her tights were shredded, just like the skin on her knees partially hidden behind those spider webs of nylon." I'm not sure. Just a suggestion!
Honestly, those are the only things I can possibly find fault with--this is lovely and I can't wait to read more.

I love this so much it just excites me so much. I think you are truely talented. Keep up with the great work. I hope for the best! I'm sorry it was so good I had to post this a second time. I would be honored if you would read my book Ignacio. I will definately subscribe to you because you are so amazing. Thank you for writing and thank you for your time.

I love this so much it just excites me so much. I think you are truely talented. Keep up with the great work. I hope for the best!

hi there, I'm from the comment swap! I have to say your use of imagery is in-freaking-credible. This is a wonderful start to what will be a wonderful story. I would love to see where this will be going, so I will subscribe so I can see how this story plays out!

I must say your descriptions are fantastic. Great prologue, so great that after reading i felt like i wanted to read more, to know more about "her" :). the only thing though i thought kind of disturbed the flow was that a number of your lines began with "her". Maybe its just me but i think it began sounding like repetition at the end.

It is creepy. Dark and a very unexplained. You need to explain more on what you are suggesting here. Why isn't the person acting rational, is there something wrong with then or is it just the shock of the way they see the body? This is a little too unexplained. It could be the killer to a strange person. Tell us who they are. We want to understand them. Although if you make it a creepy killer and ruin people's minds ill come after you.

Nothing like a good 'ol morbid story in the morning. :p I have to give it to you - your writing is wonderful, and this piece leaves an enduring stain on the reader's mind. That in itself is what most authors aim for - and you've made a bullseye with this. Just one suggestion - a little brush up in the first paragraph with different choices of metaphor would really make the story pop through-and-through.

Ex. Instead of "trail of blood" maybe "trail of crimson"? Or something along those lines...something memorable; fresh, less used.

But other than that - this is really, really great writing.

This is amazing, the writing is superb. It's full of great imagery and captured my attention almost immediately. I didn't really spot any mistakes either. It was perfect honestly well done! :D I love the background as well, nice and simple but very pretty :D

- Through comment swap.

Wow, your writing style is beautiful. Your descriptions are gorgeous and original and it definitely painted a picture in my head. It has a nice flow to it and it has this lovely, morbid feel to the whole story. I can see it as either a drabble or a longer story. The last line concluded it perfectly.

I can't believe this was called boring. I wasn't bored at all and I wish there was more to read about. It makes me wonder about the dead woman and the man (I pictured it as a man, sorry if I'm wrong) who watched as she died. And everything about it left me breathless.

There were a few things that could be improved on...

A small trail of blood trickled down her face, the bright red contrasted against her pearly white skin. - I think it would flow a little better if you changed 'contrasted' to 'contrasting' or replaced the comma with a semi-colon.

Some perfect silverware left out in the rain to rust. - While I adore this metaphor, the 'some' tripped me up. Maybe replace it with, 'A piece of perfect silverware...' or something similar.

Nothing about her was perfect yet she was still beautiful, a twisted kind of perfect that caused me not to run and get help but to stay, I wanted to spend hours examining every detail. - The second comma should be replaced with a semi-colon.

But all of those are really just suggestions; your piece would be beautiful whether you changed them or not. I hope you continue this.

Oh my gosh!! Comment swapper brought me here and I’m so glad it did because this is amazing! I love how you used great imagery to create a full picture in the readers’ head. I hope that you will continue this story because it looks like you have a good plan and it would make a fantastic read (:

I really liked the summary, and the descriptions and word choices you used for all the details was amazing. It was short, but very captivating. I also liked the simple layout; I felt like it worked well with the story. I'm really glad that comment swap gave me this to read. :) I think my favorite line was the part where you described her like a piece of silverware left in the rain to rust. Beautiful.

The summary was really short and sweet, but so FREAKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love how it described the story in so little words... and I love the reference to the locket, that really painted the picture for me. I also like when you said, 'Nothing about her was perfect yet she was still beautiful'. That line was amazing, and I loved it. Great Story!

The summary was so fantastic that when I saw that there was only a prologue I was a little sad. The prologue was so fantastic, and I think that you have a great format. The narration is beautiful. I must also say that your layout is simple yet elegant.

Wow. I love this for the many reasons already mentioned in the comments below, but there's one thing that I think is fantastic. In just a short piece of writing, you managed to create a character and a scene to kickstart a great story. The narrator describes how he/she can't look away from the dead body for its beauty, and that is literally what happened to me as I was reading. The dark and detailed description of the body is graphic, but the style of your writing wouldn't let me look away. It's so awesome! Nice work :)

I wish I could write as beautifully as you do! Holy cow, your sentences are breath taking! "A twisted kind of perfect that caused me not to run and get help but to stay" gahhhhh I love that! Keep up the good work, and thank you for having impeccable grammar!(:

"The long brittle grass around her was crushed and twisted, just like her limp limbs." I LOVED this line! Among many of the others. Your descriptions are mindblowing. This prologue also has completely sucked me in as I need to know what happens next. Will the poor girl get justice for her death? What were the circumstances of her death? These questions and more are flying through my head! Fabulous

I happen to also disagree with the last couple of comments that called this drabble/story ‘boring’. Hun, the last thing this can be described as is boring. I was kept very interested while reading this. I can clearly imagine this person bent over this girl as she breathes her last breath (from being murdered, I presume from the summary?); the way you’ve described her is amazing. I can almost see this done in slow-motion. I’m very curious to find out what actually happened to this poor girl and what’s going to happen to the person who found her lying on the ground like that. Oh, and not to mention the fact that your details are superb, your grammar is amazing, and that the plot itself is enticing!

If you want my truthful opinion, I suggest that you continue this on as a chaptered story, as it has great potential. Amazing job! <3