August 10th, 2016 at 02:40am
Comment swap:
I really like the characters in your story but I think you could add some context behind David and Devon's relationship before having Devon and Damien meet. You could maybe put the story about their parents death before the meeting too. I think this would help explain why Devon is so willing to trust Damien because, at least I would think, if I was running alone in a park and someone came up to me I wouldn't talk to them, let alone allow them back to my house. As for Damien, Hades, and Persephone all I can say is YES!!!!!!! Such an amazing development. Once Persephone was introduced I was so excited.
I really enjoy the way you end your chapters with a hook, I definitely makes me want to keep reading on. However, I think you could tighten up the flow of the chapters and make the movement from one chapter to the next more seamless.
Seriously good job though. I really want to know what happens. More chapters please :)
Overall, I really like this. The characters are fun and well thought out, and I really enjoy that Damien turned out to be evil (a nice change from having expected some kind of paranormal romance).
The only complaint I really have is that things seemed to progress a bit to quickly. It seemed a bit unnatural to me that Devon (great name BTW) was so willing to go with some guy she had just met while running at night, especially after he said something so unbelievable. I mean, it was true, but that's not really something you'll believe and most people would probably just back away slowly. So I'd maybe shuffle things around so he proves it without leading her away, or says something about it after they're in the park? Also I would have liked to see more of what happened in the time he was staying in their house, jut a few details to really cement how he's not the best person to have in your house.
Other than that though, I don't see anything wrong and what I would change is really only a minor preference. I'll definitely be keeping this in my bookmarks and maybe even subscribing! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to know where the story ultimately goes!