The Protection of a God - Comments

So I only read the first chapter, because this isn't really my type of story, but here we go.

I really love that you're doing your own take on Greek mythology. I always wanted to do something like that but I could never get creative with it aha. Your characters seem like they'll be interesting, though I haven't read far enough into the story to get to know them much.

Some of your sentences were worded awkwardly and missing punctuation. They were also rather choppy in some places, so you might want to watch that.

Overall, it seems like this story has lots of potential, so good luck with it! (:

I love Greek Mythology, and I think it's a brilliant idea for an original story--borrowing, of course, from the ancients! Some of your sentences are awkwardly worded--the best way to combat that is to read difficult passages (or entire chapters) out loud to yourself. You'll catch the bits that don't quite sound/read right.
Ah, the ending of the first chapter was a perfect reveal though! I definitely love Damien. He is a really intriguing character and I can't wait to see how you develop him. The contrast between him and Devon as a generic girl teenager is really fun.
I am, however, frustrated that ever character's name begins with D except Hades.
Overall--great story, I'll definitely be subscribing!

I just love mythology so I was very interested when I found out that that’s what this story is about. The beginning sounds good so far and intriguing. You did a good job at giving readers some background information on the characters.
I don’t usually comment on layouts because I think people should comment on the story but I think having a customized layout would really add to yours. That way, people would judge a book by its cover and be right. It’s just a thought.

Hey I'm here because of Comment Swap I'm glad it sent me to your story! I really do hope you keep this up; I think it's a really good story so far! I’m definitely going to recommend this story, well done and keep up the good work!

Wow, this is extremely interesting. Very original. I don't know many people who could pull of writing something like this without losing their sense of description, but you manage to stay fairly descriptive through it all. Well done. Good luck with your story :)

So far, because I have only read the first chapter, but I plan on reading more, promise. Anyways, so far, it reminds me of the book series 'I Am Number Four.' As for the layout, ehhh, kinda boring, but it took me forever to figure out how to use the layout maker, so I don't balme you. I'm reading more though, promise! And subscribing!

Hmm, this was an interesting read. Very good storyline. I liked it a lot. I do agree with some of the other reviewers you have some grammar and spelling mistakes, but it's not terrible. Your layout is a bit boring which irks me when I read it. I wish you had something a bit more related to the story, but that's just me. Nice job! Keep up the good work!

Kristen :)

Just to make that summary make a bit more sense, there should be a comma after "running".

She looked up to see the bright stars in the sky and listened to the crickets. Thinking of how her mother used to sit on their back deck and do the same. - I think you should have a comma there, not a full stop. It would just flow a lot better.

...a look out for you though," She added... - either don't have a capital letter for "she" or have a full stop instead of a comma.

Otherwise that was an interesting start. :)

Aha, I really like Damien so far. I really want to know more about him. I do feel as if we don't know too much of the characters at all and I hope you update with more background so that I understand the characters more.

You really have some story here and I really enjoyed the three chapters I've read. I hope you update soon :)

How intriguing. I wonder why he is running from his own father and why he wants to kill Devon, when she clearly hasn't done anything but help him.

I would say that my only peeve with this is that you don't double space a lot of paragraphs that should be. Other than that, the story was amazing. I am really interested in seeing what happens next, so I'll stop this comment short so I can read some more :)

CHAPTER 3:
I like how you’re incorporating more senses into your descriptions, especially the mention of mint in paragraph 4 (I could practically smell it!). I really like the first part of this chapter before the squiggly lines: it’s brief but shows the slight progression of the characters’ relationship (not necessarily in a romantic way, but as friends) and even from this I gathered more about each of their personalities, particularly Damien. I’d like to know more about Devon. In paragraph three in part two, you could add something about if the food was still hot (if it had steamed up the glass lid covering the pan or whatever) or if Devon wondered if it was still hot, or her wanting the argument to stop so she could eat and offer it to Damien. When you talk about the father and how he helped others, assuming he is dead, change the tense of the first sentence to “Their father had always been about...”. I like how this chapter gives insight into the main characters (David included) and their motivations. I have more of an idea about Devon now and I find her more likeable than I thought at first.

Overall, here are a few ideas that I think would benefit your story and your writing
A) Work on your grammar and layout of paragraphs and dialogue
B) Experiment with your vocabulary and descriptions – they’re getting better very quickly so be proud of yourself! Always remember to be vivid, which doesn’t necessarily mean your description has to be long or exceptionally detailed.
C) Develop your characters and their relationships without it seeming rushed – your current pace is good but if you’re heading down the romantic road with Devon and Damien, just make sure you hint at it subtly before they jump into the love boat. Tension or disagreements at some point would be good too, even if they just remain friends, because it’s a challenge they’ll have to get over and it could also be an opportunity for you to show how this impacts on the characters’ actions and motivations.

Tell me what you think
P.S. Sorry it’s so long, but I sincerely hope it helps you

CHAPTER 2:
Merge paragraphs 1, 2 & 3 into one.
In paragraph 4, write “16” as “sixteen” – it’s more refined than using a numeral.
Join 5 & 6, but perhaps rephrase it like “’... and all that jazz?’ she asked sceptically, her eyes narrowed in confusion and, perhaps, curiosity.” At least that’s sort of how I’d write it.
Join 10 & 11.
You could join 12 & 13 together.
In paragraph 15, you could add more description for Damien’s eyes changing colour from blue to whatever. It feels incomplete when I read this because I want to know what colour they changed to and for how long so. Did his eyes flicker orange like flames licking at wood? Did his eyes seem to blacken though his face was lit by the pale glow of the stars? I know you explain it more in paragraph 16, but I think you should skip that or at least reword it in paragraph 15.
In paragraph 17, take out the separate spaces for each line and maybe change the existing second and third lines to something like “His eyes blazed with flames and his body glowed with a heat radiating from his heart”. I like your description of the smell of sulphur (spelt this way, I believe) and Devon coughing. I think just before this you could mention that the heat from his body stung her eyes (and skin?) and then continue about the smell.
For paragraph 18, I think you should change the last sentence slightly to make Devon sound like she was “mesmerised” by Damien’s transformation and that’s why she didn’t move, rather than her being a dumb sitting duck. Also maybe join paragraph 19 and rephrase the beginning two sentences to something like “It was only when the smoky tendrils seized her that Devon screamed and Damien was freed from his trance.” Also alter the rest of the paragraph into something briefer but still haunting.
Change paragraph 19 to “He fell to his knees, the tendrils...”
Change paragraph 21 to an action or expression of Damien’s that shows us he’s happy or relieved, rather than just saying “Damien was happy”.
Join 22 & 23 to 21 and change it to “He had almost killed her. He had wanted to.” The other way just didn’t sound right when I read it.
Okay, this is taking LOTS OF EFFORT for me to be so detailed so I think for chapter three, because I haven’t read it yet, I’ll just give it a more brief review that will help guide you to make more choices of how you want to edit it yourself. It’s all in your hands now, young grasshopper

Be prepared for layout suggestions! Sorry I'm being picky but I'm only doing it because I think it will make your story better and more readable. I may use numerals to make it easier to read and for you to edit

CHAPTER 1:
I think the first two sentences in the 2nd paragraph could be combined into one, or merge the 2nd and 3rd sentences into one.
Move the 3rd & 4th paragraphs into the 2nd - they're talking about the same incident/idea so they should be in the same paragraph.
Put the 6th paragraph into the 5th.
Put the 7th, 8th & 9th together.
10th, 11th & 12th together.
You could put 13th and 14th together.
Put the 15th and 16th paragraphs in the same one but put the 15th sentence (the dialogue) after the short description because it "sets the scene".
Perhaps put 17th, 18th & 19th together, though keep Hades' dialogue in a separate paragraph afterwards. Good little thing of Hades being creepy, but maybe skip the word "icy" (it's a bit cliché) and use it in a more metaphorical way. You could try something like, "... the man's hand gripped hers. She shuddered at the pale hand, cold and clammy as if he’d been clutching ice.” Something like this would make your description more vivid and exciting for the reader.
Let’s call “That was creepy...” paragraph 20. Maybe combine this paragraph with the next one but rephrase it like “not given up the black-haired boy huddled beside the tree”.
Merge paragraph 23 with 22.
Merge 24 with 25.
In paragraph 29, maybe say “surprised” instead of “shocked” – I think it’s more fitting to the situation. You’d be shocked if someone died, but not so much if someone predicted your next question.
YAY! ONE CHAPTER DONE! You’d better be grateful *shakes fist*

Ah, Greek mythology, how I love it. I like your idea although I'm not a huge fan of your one sentence per line layout, I think it would be much easier to read in normal paragraphs. Also, the majority of your sentences are quite short or "cropped". Try varying the lengths of your sentences to change the speed and dynamics of your story, as well as to give an insight into the characters' emotions. Most of your description was visual, but to make it feel more real I suggest you use other senses (smell, touch, taste, hearing) as well to "show" what's happening rather telling the reader. I think I like Devon as a character but a few details in the story didn't seem to add up.
Exhibit A) When Hades talks to Devon he seems indifferent towards her though in chapter two Damien notes that his father has a fondness for blondes. Maybe Hades could've acted more slimy towards her and made her feel a bit creeped out or violated (subtly links to the idea of the Underworld), and that's why she connects with Damien because of his kindness and warmth (the word "warmth" would be good to use as it forshadows his fire power without actually stating it before he shows her).
Exhibit B) Damien just shows some random girl he just met his "superpowers" and told her without hesitation that he was the son of a god. Why, if you were going by an alias or trying to escape from your dad or whatever, would you tell a stranger that? To me it seems illogical and a stupid thing for him to do if he is trying to keep his profile on the down low.
I think your story has potential to be great, but I suggest you revise (I found a few spelling mistakes throughout and there should be a comma in chapter one's early sentence just before you wrote "a whirlwind of friends") and tweak parts that don't seem quite right yet. Best of luck

Your concept is really interesting. I wanted to read it just from the summary. You introduced your main character really well. It got into the introduction to the new character and conflict (at least the beginnings of it) smoothly, without being rushed.