Heavily Broken - Comments

Intro

I enjoy how you put detail into the story; however, sometimes there is too much detail and it can get repetitive. For example, the paragraph that starts out "Alright, alright, I'll be down in a few minutes!" has a few repetitive lines about describing how she feels something is wrong. It's best to stick to only two strong words such as 'wrong' in every paragraph to keep from sounding like we are rehashing what we just read a sentence before.

But enough with the technical things, the story so far from just reading the intro is intriguing and the cliff hanger was well placed. With that, I shall move onto the next chapter!

Chapter 1

The third paragraph was confusing in that she just began asking 'why me?' only to say that she has stopped saying that in the next few sentences.

This first chapter was a lot of just telling rather than showing. It's best to tell a story, describe the characters, lay out the past throughout the entirety of it rather than lay it all out in the first chapter.

Forgive me if this sound rude, but it feels like the character is pitying herself too much in the first chapter (this might be because I've read so many characters like this that it gets redundant), but with all the terrible abuse and drugs and alcohol, it's hard to believe she has so much guilt and blame for herself over her abusers' suffering. But it's just the first chapter, maybe it will be more believable as I keep reading - it's just a thought that crossed my mind.

Conclusion

Of course, this whole comment of mine is just opinion. For me, I find stories that tell the story in a showy/action-y way rather than telling. Especially in the beginning, to catch my attention, I much prefer to learn about the characters traits and their life as I read along instead of getting it all in one single chapter. If that makes any sense

Keep up the writing, love!

Comment swap sent me here.

Your story seems to be well-thought-out and you've obviously put a lot of effort into portraying the emotions of the characters which is evident through the description you use. As ForeverARedHead pointed out, as a reader you feel real sympathy towards James and Giselle in regards to what they have to go through. I think, although a rather cliché plotline, you're making it your own and adding your own twists which is great. I loved the fact that you had the contrast between life before (what I assume was) the mother's death and after. Almost like the fade-in scenes you see in some horror movies, good job with that.

On the grammar side of things, you could definitely use a bit more work. Try going back through from the first chapter and check with a fine-toothed comb for the likes of punctuation errors and typos. There's nothing in this that can't be fixed with some solid editing. I find it helps to go back and read the chapter a few days after you've written it as errors tend to jump out more clearly.

Your idea is really interesting though. As others have said, work to make sure you don't make this a cliché in the future and continue developing Giselle as a character. You're doing a good job so far, keep it up!

The start was interesting, it was easy to follow, it follows a certain sympathy to the kids – especially Giselle. The story is flowing well so far with the home situation and what James did to protect his sister. I think it’s a very good start and it will b interesting to see where you take this story. The imagery and details painted a clear picture and the characters are developing well. I hope to see this develop more. Great job, keep it up!

I really like your first chapter, but I have to say the transition from the intro to the first chapter was really hard to follow (did that actually happen or was it just a dream?) The writing is much better in the first chapter, and it's a lot easier to follow; since people will read the intro first, maybe try and make it more like chapter 1? But I really like it so far despite how confused I was at first!

Oh nooo I hope James is okay :( And I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but there are two chapter fours. I don't think you meant that to happen. I've done it plenty of times, so just letting ya know. Update soon!

I totally agree with the previous comment. If you're going to have a decent story, punctuation is a major thing you need to find. Also, I agree that waking up is definitely a cliche indicator. Try opening with a more "Why is the character doing this?" action. Like a fight, a run, an emotional scene, or something.

The first thing I noticed when I started reading is that you are not punctuating dialogue correctly. The introduction to your story was borderline cliche. There are so many stories that open with the main character waking up, so it is overplayed, and doesn't make the reader want more. I do suggest looking into punctuating dialogue correctly because its essential to a decent novel, and it definitely increase the quality of your writing.

I've read all your chapters so far because I literally couldn't stop. The way you write is so awesome because it feels real. The description and dialogue works well together, too. Your intro is my favorite, because it's the part that made me really interested in your story, especially with the dream. Oh, and your layout is perfect -- beautiful, and easy to read. I'm a sucker for original fiction, and I really enjoy this so far. I'll be sure to check back soon :)

I like the idea of the story starting off with the lyrics as the summary. It became personal in an impersonal way. Which, I thought was interesting. I like the way you write, because it's unique to itself. I get chills reading this because like someone already said, it's dramatic and captivating and spine-chilling in its own way. Keep it up, my dear fellow writer. Carry on ^^

i love the title, i do believe you run the risk of being cliche but you're already addressed that. your writing is nice, albeit there are a few grammatical errors. i'd love to see where you go with this story. do continue, great work

~Comment Swap~
So first off, I love the song in the summary. :)
The intro was a great way to start off; it was really dramatic and captivating. After reading that, I wanted to keep reading more. Also as a great plus, I don't believe I saw any spelling, punctuation, or grammar mistakes. *high five*
And kudos on making a readable layout. Good luck with this!

The way you started it out was interesting. It definitely caught my attention. My concern is that it felt like it was rushing a little, but that makes sense now that I know it's going to take place later in her life. There are a few grammar errors that could be fixed with a quick read through, but it's fine other than that.

I absolutely loved the summary. I'm not sure if it's a song or if you wrote it, but it's amazing! I'm also in love with the intro. It was totally and completely awesome how it warped and changed into reality. Gah, I loved it. The first chapter was really good too! That's as far as I got because I'm about to fall asleep typing this, but you wrute really beautifully with little-no spelling/grammar errors. Keep up the good work!

Comment swap sent me here;;
I was very impressed once I began reading. The summary pulled me in quickly and I got even giddier when I saw that you use wonderful description. I love this story and I'm definitely subscribing. Great job, buttercup! :)

First: Thanks for making the text so light, my computer's a bit mental and makes it hard to read dark text, like the chapter links under the summary.
Anyways, I've never seen the name Giselle, before. Interesting. c:
The dialogue sounds very believable and all-in-all, I like it.

The abuse theme has become a bit repetitive on Mibba but be careful and try to keep your originality. I see a lot of emotional development for our main 'heroine'. Remember to try you're hardest to keep your characters realistic. Really nice story keep it up :)

The summary was amazing, as everyone has said. Possibly the best summary I've read on Mibba. The Intro was great too, very cleverly done. Chapter 1 if I'm honest lost a little of it's awesomeness, make sure you keep the momentum going. You have this great, unique writing style so make sure you don't slip into being generic.
Still, this is great and, out of curiosity I've subscribed. It's the only comment swap story I've subscribed to so that says a lot! x

Comment swap!

Summary: I love it. It really makes the reader want to open up the first chapter and found out what this story is about.
Intro: When I first started reading it, I thought it would be just another ordinary story. Nothing interesting about it. Just another "wake up in the morning" scene. Instead, there was so much more to it! I loved it. The last three paragraphs were a real shocker. I figured it was a dream, and in the next chapter, I found out I was correct. Wow. It was amazing and really drew me in.
Chapter One: I love how this chapter lets you know more about Giselle's everyday life and the troubles she has to face every day. It's a pretty common setting, but I love the way you detail it.

I'm eager to see where you go with this story! Keep up the good work. c:

It's good. I liked it. The intro and the summary were really good. When I was first reading the intro I was a bit confused, but the next chapter explained what I was confused about really well. It is written really good. The point of view is amazing. I know writing something like this is really hard. I have read others like this, and some of them don't ever turn out good. This one has a whole lot of potential for it to be amazing. I like this a whole lot:)

First of all: wow. xD The intro was shocking, like...REALLY shocking. I read that and was like, "Wait...what?" I reread it, that's how surprised I was.

Okay, make sure you're watching your words! "I was scared of being out their alone." It's an easy mistake, I know, but I thought I'd tell you about it. "....all the things you shouldn't have too." That too. (: There's a few more things in Chapter One, but I don't want to get on your bad side because I'm pointing them all out.

I'm very curious to see where this is going. I've been reading a lot of abuse stories lately (they're becoming a "thing" I think xD), but I've yet to see one where it comes from the father.

You seem to be full of twisty tricks, as shown in the intro. (: So I can't wait to see what comes next!