My Little Mermaid - Comments

@ discoveringclouds
@ Under.An.Eclipse

Actually, it doesn't have to be rated R. There isn't really anything sexual in the story. There are no sexual innuendos that I have read. If one reads the paragraphs very closely, the part where Julliette's being experimented on doesn't state that her clothes were ripped off. If this story was to be rated R, then it would have smut, graphic torture and violence but I didn't see that in this story so I don't see any reason why it should be rated R. There are no drugs, explicit language or scenes, rape or even slurs (as stated in the Mibba Story Guidelines). Bearing the imagery in mind, I suggest to change the rating to PG-13.

Yeah I mentioned it. The experiment part where her clothes are ripped off. Good for changing the rating now people will know. I'm kind of sad about these ratings, as soon as I find a nice story it gets sexual or gory and jumps out of pg13. Gosh I wouldn't want any 13 year old I know to read that topic. I don't even want to read it you know? So ill ask for my own peace of.mind, will this story continue to be explicit? Because then I wont be able to read it. Anyways hope your writing grows to good things.

Hey, your new chapter was really interesting. I was just hoping for it to come out! Then there was some descriptive parts that really were unnecessary. This story is good without disturbing things like her clothes being ripped off, I mean the family is already scary and memorable as it is. The other part, however, is going to need a higher rating. I wouldn't want to be reading that stuff at 13, Gosh, I don't even want to read it at 21!

All the best writing! Your story is brilliant, foster it with good details!

Dear Under.An.Eclipse,

The King sent us for you. It didn't take long to find you. You were the one person always marred by strange shadows. Walking as though you were hit by the strange darkness and lights of an eclipse.

We are the Knights of Commenting here to give you advice and commend your story on behalf of the King.

You gave up too much in the summary. Hide it better. Perhaps something more mysterious would draw more readers in as well. It would also prevent us from guessing your plot.

We are waiting for you to keep writing. It's a story with character. These details are good. Bring more details, especially of setting in. There is a whole world here. So what does the character think when they live their life? What is so unique about her? Is her belief entirely her own? Or is she so consumed with despair she doesn't see any light of knowledge? Also here's a nice advice from the King on playing with sentence length:

"Your story is an original. A fun idea playing with emotions and broken families. Saddening, but an attempt at reflecting life and fantasy in one work. Amazing.

Your dialogue is a bit confusing at times. And you need to bring in more original lines. More emotion from these characters, more details about them. Of course they are made up, so they won't be real in the end. It would be nice to hear their beliefs, if the girl battles her despair about her family with her love of Allah(god). Fill the pages like the character's mind would be filled. Bring us along. You can take as long as you want. There is no structure to your plot, but the one you decide.

And I always enjoy passing on this lovely example:

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

All the best writing.

Truly,

The Knights of Commenting

Loved the latest chapter... I have a feeling that Nicolas will have problems staying away from her now x

I really like your story. The only thing you really need to do, is watch your verbs. You tend to switch from past to present at random times. But great job!

Loved the latest chapter... I really feel for Juliette and I hope that Nicolas will see that she truly means no harm x

this is really good omg i'm sat here squealing because i can't wait for more! it's such an old idea, the mermaid/merman thing but it hasn't been too popular recently which makes me sad because i LOVE mermaids, but this is totally bringing it back with style. this is just so good ahhh!! i love the way you write.

Can't wait to read more. Update soon please x