The Art of Playing - Comments

You should check the end of chapter one. ;)

Also, you have a lot of sentence that read in that odd, "complete thought, half a thought" method, and a lot of them don't really require a comma.

For example, "I anxiously packed my (I think you mean bag) together, and stood." The comma between 'together' and 'and' doesn't belong.
It should simply read, "I anxiously packed my bag together and stood."
I find that across the first chapter, though, a lot of the sentences read this way.
"I nodded once, not trust my voice." <--- The comma -sort of- belongs there I guess? It's hard to say, though, on some of these, just because of the tone you've taken. Your first person, here, doesn't speak like a normal person.

Forgive me for saying it, but, she seems to be speaking more like Bella Swan. Throwing predicates into any sentences, whether they belong or not, and misusing commas like there's a fire-sale.
Not every conjuction requires a comma.

A comma is used in between two -independent- clauses.

Use a comma if you can separate the subject and the predicate into two independent ideas (though not necessarily two independent sentences). Unless both the subject and the predicate are brief or balanced.

A comma is used with 'but' when expressing a contrast.

For the most part though, you seem to use commas in place of conjuctions.
Because of this, "I nodded, biting down on my lower lip" mixes tenses. You have past tense next to present tense.
It should read, "I nodded once and bit down on my lower lip."
The subject -has- to agree with the predicate. They both have to agree that it's either past or present tense.

So, my advice to you is that you should write more conjunctions.

They aren't bad! They don't make your writing sound bad! Whatever preconceived notion you have about them is probably wrong!
In fact, it stands out more when you don't use them, but significantly little when you do.

I've yet to read 50 shades of grey, and on top of that, I'm not entirely sure what it's even about. So, on the fanfiction standpoint, I can't really comment on it.

As for the writing itself, it reads nicely. You have a nice balance between dialogue and non-dialogue, and during the non-dialogue, you have good description. At least, just about as well as you can 'realistically' have, during first person. So Kudos for that, because that's usually the first thing I see. In those cases, usually, I don't have to read. I just skim.

In this case, though, you forced me to read.

Anything else I have to say on the matter -is- actual critic, as in things you need to 'correct', but it's mostly just my own personal preference and opinion. I usually leave that out, because it's unfair to make someone feel they're doing wrong, just because of what I like, personally. I find it helps them improve a lot more, if I comment on what's actually correct/incorrect.

oooh la la !
love it :)
and also, have fun in texas!

i didnt like this story at first, because it was too much like the book, but then i kept reading and boom, i love it! :P
subscribed
NOW UPDATE!!!!:D

once again, i love it and i'm looking forward to reading more. hopefully this will encourage you to update it sooner rather than later hint, hint :)

Comment Swap sent me back again! Man, what is up with that? Haha, anyway, I love this. I really do. You're wonderful with the details and, like freetoflyyyy said, you are wonderful with character relations and personalities. Please, please keep it up!

i like this story already cuz its in my home state sooo yea, call me bias but i like it already lol, anyhoo i like where this story is goin its looks hot and kinky and Elliot Grey is a sexy man, cant wait to read more update as soon as u can :)

i like this story already cuz its in my home state sooo yea, call me bias but i like it already lol, anyhoo i like where this story is goin its looks hot and kinky and Elliot Grey is a sexy man, cant wait to read more update as soon as u can :)

COMMENT SWAP!

I'm not sure what surprised me more, the naked couple in the back ground or how much I enjoyed this, lol!

I believe she should say 'You look like hell" without the 'itself' it's a bit redundant. also after that you say' she really should worry about it' i think you meant 'shouldn't' you cannot start sentences with BUT as it is grammatically wrong. but's are use like commas, to separate two different clauses. i human behaviour in these is very close to reality but you when he kisses her hand, add more meaning or feeling, maybe some similes will help the reader stir the emotions of your mc and get more involved themselves. thank you for the read

Comment Swap!
I've enjoyed this story so far, to be honest! You have a good sense of the characters and their relations as well as the personality of the protagonist. You've done an excellent job with scenery and the imagery of certain settings. I can practically sense and see the buildings and Karina's home in my mind. I've become lost in your story! Please continue.

Comment swap! You are on a pretty good start. I like your story. You are doing really great. Keep it up. I think it was funny how she that Mr. Gray was gay! That part made me laugh so hard. I like how you go into detail on the story and you have a good plot. Just keep go in to details. And have a cliffhanger really soon. I don’t really read stories like that but its really good. I recommend it and because by the name of the title it makes you want to read more and more. Make it were it makes people wonder what will happen next. What will she do? Stuff like that. You are off to a really good start like I said before. I hope you keep writing stories because they are amazing! I think you should make them talk a lot more. And do point of views. So people can get the full affect on the story and know what the other people think. I can’t wait for the drama parts because they will be really good. But yeah just go into point of view on Mr. Gray and Rebecca so people will know what they think. But keep it up! I can’t wait for the next update!

So, I went on holiday to Bulgaria once and my Mum was reading this book and she did everything to keep me from reading this book, although I did get some sneak previews and I want to read the others, it's just the fact I am so poor I can't afford a bloody free toothpick! So until then Fanfictions like these will have to do, you have added a lot of detail which is always a good thing, I enjoyed reading it.

Keep Writing and Good Luck

Thank you comment swap for bringing me here:) I read 50 Sgade of Grey, an, of course, amazing book. I really like the attention to detail here in the story. It's very good writing and I've already subscribed! Can't wait for the next chapter:D

Comment swap! I like this a lot. The details are amazing. The balance of the story is perfect. Keep up the great work! It has so, so, so much potential. :)

from comment swap! this is really really good. i dig how you describe everything. makes things more interesting.

The comment swap brought me here. Wow! I personally think that this is really good so far. Your really good at the details and you don't over do anything. Plus I don't usually like this type of story so trust me, you're doing great, haha. :)

I have to say, I do love the way that you describe everything. The attention to detail really makes a difference. Just the description of the expressions and the colors and subtle movements of faces. It really does make the writing stand out, and I think you're putting the emphasis on all the right things. I'm really enjoying this so far!

Hey, here from comment swap!
So I've never read fifty shades of gray, so I read this as an original! But hill crap. This is so good. The description is great and I'm already intrigued by elliot's character.
Can't wait for thnext chapter :)

The comment swap brought me here.
I really like this story, I think it's great. However, I will mention that I feel that the first chapter should have had more dialogue. If she bailed early and missed half of the questions, how come it took her SO much longer that Rebecca was worried, or that she could even use the excuse that the interview ran over? Even if the not asking half the questions had just been part of a dream, Karina only asked 8 questions. I just feel like the conversation should have had more to it in order to make sense with that part. I also think that you accidentally forgot the ending in the first chapter. The sentence doesn't finish.
Other than that I love how it's written. I love how mysterious Elliot Grey is. It's utterly intriguing.

I do really like this story and I hope you continue, I'm eager to see what happens next!

That background.. I couldn't read it because of the background. Babysitting three kids and two of them... I don't want them telling their mothers! Haha. So I'll subscribe, read it later, and deffinatly give you a proper comment after :D Sorry! xD
-Kaitlynn

Hey, I love this. I've never read the original, although I've always longed for the opportunity, but this is quite lovely and well written. I look forward to reading more :)