Symptoms of Life - Comments

I know this was a story before, and I must say I am a little disappointed I didn't get to read this earlier. But I'm excited to read it now and see where it goes! Out of all the stories I've read on Mibba, I don't think I've ever read one where the main character had some sort of true disability. That alone makes this story instantly intriguing. But your writing is really what captured me. I've read so many stories where the plot could have been so great, but the writing just made it fall flat. I have high hopes that won't be happening with this story because you are a tremendous writer!

First thing, you have an image that doesn't work in your prologue.

Also in the prologue you have a randomly capitalise "noticing" in the middle of a sentence.

In chapter three, you have "I could hear here mom" - when it should be her.

There's also "“Stand up.” Tessa is sighed. " and I'm not sure what you meant with the "is" between the two words.

Chapter four you have "the prosthetic swiveled durastically underneath" and I assume you meant drastically?

Chapter five has this sentence - "no matter how much he he looked like home" which has a double "he" in.

Also you have this - "his insescent questions I into my bathroom" - where shouldn't it be incessant? You also seem to be missing a word between "I" and "into".

In chapter six, at the beginning, you have this sentence - "but empty spacetime I my arms came down" - where I assume the I shouldn't be there or you're missing a word or two to make it coherent.

"The came down lightly," - should be they?

"while the breathes came in" - should be breaths

"my throat with shear glory" - should be sheer, I'm pretty sure.

Pretty much all the spots the commenter below me picked up are relevant to chapter six. They were the big ones I spotted but I might re-read this later on and see whether I can pick up any more for you.

Firstly, I absolutely love that you've written about someone who has lost her leg. You don't often find stories that deal with disabilities at all, least of all a missing limb. And the fact that she's still dealing with the loss of those in the accident along with a part of her makes this story really powerful. I can really feel her pain through your words, especially as she was the only survivor as well. Like, shit. That must be one of the worst things to live with.

I also really love how you've got her still cut up over the accident and losing her limb but she acts fine around other people because that's something which seems completely understandable. It's easier to lose control when you're alone because then you don't have incessant questions and concerns from other people, and we all know how annoying those questions can be. And as Flo doesn't seem that in to talking with others about it, she clearly feels the same.

Tessa seems like a two-faced character. She seemed nice and friendly when Flo first met her, even when only they and Griffin were at the table, but then she gets all snappy, short and rude with her in any other encounter that they have. So I've concluded that I don't really like her character, not only because she felt like, to me, that she was snappy because of Flo's disability but also because she is totally an untrustworthy character as she can't keep her attitude consistent.

This is a brilliant story and I will, once again, reiterate how much I love the fact that you're writing about a disability that has only just come on from an accident. Most people only focus on mental disorders and while mental health awareness is needed, so is the fact that someone can seem so normal on the outside but actually be suffering from a disability, much like Flo is.

nothing but empty spacetime I my arms came down I don't think the 'I' is supposed to be there?

The came down lightly, like the Is it supposed to be 'they'?

But there was no tolerance for weakness while the breathes came in. Eraticating my nose and raping my throat with shear glory while they entered my lungs in sharp hisses, exaggerating the coughs that already controlled my entire body. 'breathes' should be 'breaths' 'eraticating' should be 'eradicating' and 'shear' should be 'sheer'

And then they’d leave through my mouth after another painful instead of carbon dioxide making its way up through my throat. a painful what?

already beaten to a pulp, was hitting with wall with enough force that it created a noise that brought my dad in. 'the wall with' i think?

He spoke clearly enounciating each dedicated syllable, 'enounciating' should be 'enunciating'

I really love that you give us a scene where she's actually showing emotion about the accident. Like we know it's fucked her up royally and she seems so numb to the world about it but I love that she actually cried about it. I love that she's so self-pitying because that is exactly how I would be but I wouldn't want anyone else to pity me. Florence is so relatable in that equation and I royally hate her dad btw.

Wonderful as always! Love the dignity you give to your character with a disability.

Wonderful as always! Love the dignity you give to your character with a disability.

Jesus, I'm obsessed with this story. Seriously like I love your detail and just the description of that bath she took was exquisite. I'm in love with the line 'it was like dying' it's so blunt and there was an opportunity to turn it into this kind of mushy infinity type thing but no…it's like death. Loved it. Also want to beat her dad's face in with that crutch omg. I feel so bad for her and yet I admire her strength so damn much. When you finish this I'm going to totally buy the screenplay rights and turn it into a movie.

I really like how you make the emotions there. I love how you keep the story bold through each paragraph. You keep the description good and consistent through the whole story which is my favorite thing in a good story.

I can't really find anything bad worth complaining about in the story. It's really well written with great descriptions.

Job well done. :)

"With a suddle frown I raised the glass bottle to my " should be subtle.

Ooooh I like this. Dude I let out the loudest' AWEEE' when Graham snuggled her. She just needed fucking human contact in order to fall asleep. How adorable is that? I really kind of want to punch Tessa to be honest with you, she seems like kind of a fucking shit.

Graham in general I'm wary about. Personally the idea of sleeping in the same sleeping bag with some random kid isn't at all appealing to me but he maybe seems decent. We shall see.

I love the banner and it fits so well with the title. The font is a little lighter than I would have liked against the white background, but that's just personal preference.

Question, though did you mean for Tessa to seem like a complete character 180? At first I thought cool Tessa's gonna be one of those 'friendly-trying-to-ignore-anything-is-wrong' types, and then I read the next chapter and I'm thrown for a loop at her sudden harshness towards Flo.

Flo's a great character though, she seems like a pretty normal teen in how she's reacting to the changes she now has to deal with. I love how she can't stand being in the support groups and how she threatened her dad into letting her quit.

The summary is gorgeous, simple yet descriptive, and I love your layout. So symmetrical, and I love the colors together.

Your descriptions in the first chapter are marvelous. Describing the light of the moon as sperm? Genius. I love it. The way you kind of project into second person while you describe the other victims of the accident is beautiful; a really great way to get your descriptions across. I noticed, in the fourth paragraph from the bottom, 'noticing' is capitalized when it probably shouldn't be.

It's a surprise that the second chapter is in epistolary form, as a diary, but I like it. We get more into the main character, or who seems to be the main character so far, and I like her insight on life. Something like what she's gone through gives a character a voice, or should, and I'm glad you're using that. I love the way she looks at her battered body; it's so reflective and so real. I wouldn't be surprised if you, the author, had been through an accident like hers; you seem to grasp the after effects so well.

"So I quit. Or I made my dad let me quit by threatening to drown myself in the bath tub -" This is one of my favorite lines in all of history. So much real voice, so much character. I love the dialogue and the character development in the third chapter. I just really enjoy the story you're writing here, and I'll be coming back for more!

I caught a couple of errors. When you say Flo gets into the driver's seat it should be the passenger seat considering she's not driving…then fiancee should have two e's since it's the feminine version. I think there might've been a few more but I don't remember.

So great though. Seriously adore this story.

Soooooo in love. I need you to update like this second of my life please.

I'll read until it's done through a billion rewrites. :D Your an awesome writer.

First off.
The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt and it is up to you to get used to it and so I did.

That is the most relatable thing I've ever read in any story anywhere.

I love this so much! It's like reading a John Greene novel except it's exceptionally better! I love your use of vocabulary and the way you use characterization. This is so brilliant and if I could subscribe 9,000 times I would!

This is really good!
I can't wait to see what happened to Drina
Update soon!!

I love this story. I would say more, but I think everybody else has already got that covered! I will be looking out for more!

Okay, I'm going to start off by saying that I love the layout for the story. It just fits. Enough said about that.

I love how you write and add so much detail. It has a lot of detail in the right places. I just love that in a story. It's so hard for me to find a story with good detail. I have a 'thing' for detail in stories.

The way you set up the characters make them very believable. It's like they could be real people. I love the story. That's all I got to say.

Okay, first of all. I love the background, and the page dividers. Second of all,I love this idea, it's refreshing. third of all, Your characters are very good, and most of all believable. I like that fact that I can immerse myself in this, and I like your chapter lengths and the way that you write. I usually dont read these types of stories, but I am going to sub and rec because I like this one so much. It's excellent, keep up writing how you do, because I am in love with it.

This is a very good start to your story! One of the biggest challenges with writing stories (in my opinion) is getting the beginning down, making it interesting enough to entice a reader, and you've definitely accomplished that. I love the subtle way of saying things, like the way you describe the main character losing her leg, and the voice in this story is very strong. It's especially interesting when conflicted with sort of… gritty imagery (not sure exactly how to phrase that). "The look of fake sympathy and mock empathy blistered across their face like a bad sunburn" is a particularly vivid one, and I love it. Excellent job. :)

First of all I would like to say that with the major twist in the first chapter, this really drew in my attention and I'm assuming everyone else's. And from the summary you'd think, 'is Florence forever alone?" lmao but anyways. In the second chapter you get this question of who is Helene? I like the dialogue stir at the end of chapter two and you kind of get an idea that something's gonna go down. Anyways, the layout is pretteh and the spelling/grammar is good. Keep up le good work! :D