Ocean's Daughter - Comments

The summary is absolutely perfect. I think you really captured both of the character's personalities and the attitude of teenage boys so well. I thought it was actually really funny, I think you incorporate humour so great into your writing. And the final line of the summary was so amusing, but I find myself hooked straight into this story? The layout is also lovely, by the way~

Chapter One

Excellent first sentence. I think the narrative voice of the main character is distinct, you can really get a feel for the type of person he is from the way he says / thinks things. Just from that sentence alone I can tell that he's a teenage boy, because he seems to have a narrative voice that is very typical to teenage boys. Even the first paragraph really demonstrated that. I think you develop and demonstrate your characters really well through your writing (which I noticed in the other story I commented on, too).

like that ." - Just an accidental space between 'that' and the full stop.

I think the way this is written the dialogue just flows really well and sounds natural, like these could be two real human beings having a conversation how smoking hot someone's mom is, wanting to catch the waves. I like that the friendship between them seems natural as well. You can tell they are close, even if Luke wants Branson to shut the hell up at this moment in time.

Your descriptions are subtle but still paint a picture in the reader's head. They aren't everywhere, as we mostly focus on whatever Luke wants to focus on, but even the small description of the moon and stars, and of the frothing waves was enough to paint a picture in my head but still leave some up to my imagination, which is always good since it gives me freedom but also a starting point.

The final paragraph of the chapter, I thought was actually done perfectly. It became a stream of consciousness which I thought was really fitting, considering that the circumstances Luke ended up in. I like that there also seemed a lack of concentration - he would flit from one topic to the next so quickly - and I just thought it captured the panic and desperation he must have felt when he started drowning / came off his surfboard. The lack of pauses in the sentencing was done very effectively as well.

And the final line. We finally get introduced to our mermaid~

Chapter Two

The first paragraph was absolutely perfect. I could feel the fear that was there, and I can't even begin to imagine how scary it must have been to felt something unknown against his leg whilst he was drowning. Like him, I probably would have assumed the worst as well. I think through his narrative voice I can just sense that panic - you really portray his emotion really well, just in his thoughts and your narrative style.

It doesn't really make sense but I'll roll with it; I mean, I'm not drowning and there’s a pretty girl above me, so, really, things were starting to look up compared to what they were seconds ago. - I loved this. His nonchalant attitude to suddenly being saved by a girl is just so perfect. I think the transition from him being scared to him being oh, okay was great because it really captured his personality and the type of person he is overall. I like that your writing makes the narrator's voice so distinct, as I've said before.

dark hair hands around - it should be 'dark hair hangs around'

I like that this kind of... feels like a parody but also a realistic version of 'The Little Mermaid'? Like there's still that admiration for her, but it's far more crude and teenage like as opposed to the fairy tale quality 'The Little Mermaid' had. I think it was a nice touch, even if it wasn't hugely intentional. I particularly noticed when he said her voice was like music, it just made me see this as like some teenage, modern little mermaid.

You really capture the personality of the mermaid really well, too, through the way she is smirking and how she replies to him. I can tell that she must have a rather playful personality. It gives us a glimpse into her and I'm honestly intrigued to see how she develops throughout the story.

When he realises she's a mermaid was so funny. Just that realisation that oh fuck, he has a tail. I like that he reacts rather realistically to the fact she is a mermaid as well - just that sharp change from him being rather casual with her, to him scurrying away from her. It's not exactly a normal everyday occurrence, so it was cool that you included a realistic reaction to the fact that she, well, has a tail. I also like that she is still smiling, I can definitely tell she's going to be a fun, playful character to read about~

My life was saved by a fucking fish girl. -

Everything about the final few paragraphs was done perfectly. From her being almost teasing about him, him trying to cut conversation and the suspense of Branson coming closer. I do have a feeling Branson might freak out but might also be like 'well she's hot, so' because he seems like the type to, which will probably make this encounter even funnier than it already it.

Great job! I'm subscribing for more updates~

Overall

This story was so good, because it was comedic and the characters are so believable and interesting. I think what is compelling about this story are the characters themselves - they are humorous, realistic, have their own flaws and it is their reactions that keep me compelled and intrigued. I literally can't wait for Branson to meet the mermaid in future updates. The only criticism would be the fix the two mistakes I point out above, but otherwise this story was humorously brilliant. Please update soon~

Please update this soon!
I love it and you of course. :)
Can't wait for the next update!

omg his thoughts are the best. Especially with here, "leave my family without an explanation." IT'S KIND OF COMETIC (when I read it) BUT AT THE SAME TIME HORRIFYING. There's just so much different ways a reader could interpret your writing, it's great he's so....colorful. I have no idea what I mean by that he's just so colorful with his thoughts and full of curiousity and I love that. She's also very interesting. I love that she seems very sweet and she giggles a lot. AH SO READY FOR THE NEXT ONE

YOU UPDATED AND IM FREAKING!
That was so good! I love the way you're writing this and his reaction was just spot on and so funny! I honestly can't wait to see where you'll be taking this and I am SO on board!

YES
So sorry for this random comment
BUT I JUST LIKE THIS A LOT
I'll be back for a better comment for sure

I couldn't help but read this once I read that summary, of course she has to be hot! LOL.
First chapter was great, looking forward to the next! c:

Now this is what I call a great beginning to a great upcoming story

I love this. I think the dialogue between Luke and Branson is funny and sounds so much like how my friends and I talk. Plus it has something to do with the ocean! I can't wait for an update.

I'm so in love with this oh my. The dialogue between Luke and Branson is so on point and the description is lovely and I can't wait for you to update this!

There is so much about this that is just amazing. The layout is fantastic, the title itself is fantastic, the summary is incredible, and the story itself is just...

The flow is just perfect. It's so easy to read. Your descriptions are wonderful and the dialogue between the two friends - or well the dialogue really shows who the character is just as well as the narrative.

I'm totally subscribing and recommending because this already deserves heaps of attention. Update soon!

Surfer slang, mermaids, hot dudes, WHY THE HELL NOT! I'm so excited for this and I enjoyed the first chapter! I totally forgot I was subscribed to this and I'm glad that I did, because I'm stoked af. I hope it all goes well, and that you fully recover from the writing block.

The summary was just a major "omg must read this!" And the last sentence of the first chapter was just gold.

I've been subbed for two years and I am so so ready for this!! I kinda freaked when I saw this on top of my subscription list I love your descriptions and the way you worded things! Can't wait for the next one

yes please

WOWOWOWOWOW I'M EXCITED

I love the summary. xD Their relationship already seems to be really funny. And I can't wait for this, it seems really interesting! :3

This seems like it could be an interesting idea. I'm not exactly sure what to make of it yet, and that's not at all to be taken in a bad way.

Plus I like the banter between the two guys already. xD Just from these short snippets of conversation, you can immediately tell what both characters are going to be like.