The Return. - Comments

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I always have this pet peeve in which I kind of cringe at the status over an authors story which has something that says "More recs/subs/comments and more chapters!" so I would like to start off by saying that with a writing talent much like yours? You don't need recs/subs/comments to keep you going. This is an absolutely fine piece of work I had just read and from the first chapter only, it made quite an impact. So good luck on this I guess.

I'm intrigued! Just from the first chapter, it's like 'Wow, I have to keep reading this!'. So good. Keep up the awesome work!

I love the direction you are taking this and I have to say the first chapter certainly leaves the reader wanting to know what the heck is going on. The only criticism I have is that sometimes your writing can see to lack a cohesiveness or flow that would make it even more of a pleasure to read. Just think twice about certain word usage and you'll be golden! Great job on the whole and I will definitely keep reading!

*Comment Swap*

I honestly wish that there was more of this story right now. I absolutely hate starting a good story when there isn't an ending, because I'll be chomping at the metaphorical bit until there's an addition. Good job, and keep up the good work.

At first I thought I was reading a copy of something I had already read, but I wasn't...I found one of my comments from yesterday XD, anywho, I still think the story is very good, it has a good flow in the storyline. It's very well written, and I honestly still can't wait to see what happens next. It's a very intriguing story so far. Keep up the good work :)

From Comment Swap. This story is very interesting. The writing is easy to read (by the layout) and the flow of this story is great. The layout looks cool and it's not too busy that it's hard to look at. From the first chapter you want to know what's going on, what's gonna happen next, and everyone's back story. Continuing this story would be good to see what happens.

@ blonde
Thanks for all the input! For the most part I am following your critiques, but as for the '...' there is a significant difference between that and a comma. A comma is just a break in a sentence, simply adjoining two sentences together, or giving a person a second to breathe within a sentence. As for '...' there is hesitation and a long pause between what someone is saying or thinking.

*from comment swap*

Layout: I like it. Its very simple and not very distracting, although its not the best I’ve seen. 3/5

Plot: These first three chapters are very interesting, and from what I can tell you have a very interesting plot. 5/5

Writing: Your writing style is easy to read mostly, but there are times when its choppy and confusing. 3/5

Grammar/Spelling: In chapter one “fiancee” should be spelled with an accent, “fiancée”. You frequently use “…” instead of commas, which isn’t right. When you have dialogue, you end what the character is saying with a period, while you should use a comma (i.e. “I want to go to the party,” said Rachel.) unless it’s a question or an exclamation (i.e. “I want to go to the party!” said Rachel.), or you don’t have anything after it (i.e. “I want to go to the party.”) In chapter one you said The cop's eyes raised, staring now at what became of the young lad in the portrait, the me now.., which doesn’t sound right. I would suggest changing it to The cop's eyes raised, staring now at what became of the young lad in the portrait, the person I am now.. In chapter two, you have “ex” capitalized, but it shouldn’t be. In the cop’s note to your main character, it says I'm a truly sorry, and you need to take the “a” out, I’m sure it was a typo. There are also several more capitalization errors. 3/5

Overall: 3.5/5

Also, it made me laugh when he used Bruce Wayne as the name to sign in with, I’m a Batman fan :

This story is very good, very well written. I was instantly sucked in, and now I can't wait to see what happens next. You're a very good writer.

I really liked your story. It's interesting and grabs the reader right away on the first chapter. Your characters seem real and 3-dimensional. They aren't cliche characters, which I really like! I'm really picky when it comes to characters in people's stories, but I thoroughly enjoyed yours! Keep up the good work!

i love it!

Wow I love this idea for a story! : D I'm hooked LIKE A FISH. lol

Mysterious, lovin' it already!!!!!!!!!

@ Airi.
awe thanks, I hope to not let you down ;)

The start of your story really has me quite interested. I think I'll stay subscribed for a while to see where the story heads. Well done on the first chapter. (: