Dying Is Fine, But Maybe - Comments

Love this so far. The last paragraph especially, was so well described. The part about the dark shadows being unnatural was really good. You did well on painting a picture for the reader there. I feel bad for Cora and I sympathize for her. Jasper's absence in her life is something a lot of people could relate to and thats why this caught my attention. Gemma brought a smile on her face which made me somewhat happy. The layout is nice too, I like the picture chosen.

Keep up the good work. It's not often I read a story that makes me feel this bad for a character haha. Good job :)

-Comment Swap-
Talent. A very good read. Your character development is definitely a strong suit. Most writers, myself included, would not be able to create a character like Cora. The only real critique I would have is to be more descriptive to help draw the readers in.

So, Comment Swap brought me here and I find myself subscribing to this because in the first chapter, you have me filled with sadness for poor Cora and only smiling at the times Gemma has made Cora smile! This first chapter was insanely good and blew me out of the water! I cannot see the layout because I am on a mobile phone but from what everyone else in the comments are saying, I assume that it completes the story's meloncholy tone. I am excited to see more!

Keep it up! :)

Comment Swap
I think this is a good story, the descriptive language was very good and there was not any grammatical errors. The flow of the story was good, it painted the picture of what you wanted the reader to see. The character development from one chapter seems pretty good really, I think she is relatable. The one thing I could pick on would be that you need more explanation of what is going on. I didn't fully understand what was happening until I read it again . Overall a good story keep it up. :) Peace x

I love your layout. You are a very talented writer. This story has a wonderful flow to it, a very easy reader. I like your choice of names, especially the name Cora, I can't explain why exactly, but I really like it. good job with the grammar! I'm here from comment swap and I'm glad it sent me to your story.

This was very well written and it read so smoothly. It painted a very melancholic image so that I was able to feel for the character and imagine being in her shoes. I really want to see where this goes and what kinds of things await Cora in this new place! Update soon~ I'll be subscribing to follow along on your progress. :]

Here from comment swap.
You have amazing talent. Your grammar and flow are perfect, I can't find even one mistake. You descriptions are out of this world and I love the plot. I'd really like more of this! Great job!

For your first time writing in LONG time, I have to say you've done a job well done. Your fluency and grammar are really well done, and I felt not obligated to read this story, but wanting to know what was happening.

Comment Swap
I love the layout, it really drew me into the story. I also liked your summary and the first chapter was very well written and I couldn't see any mistakes. Hope you continue to write this as it could go really far.

This was pretty interesting! I didn't notice many issues, but then again I was kept interested throughout the whole chapter. I absolutely adore Gemma already, and we've hardly really been introduced to her; she reminds me of my best friend. xD

My only true thing is that you might benefit from more details: until I realized what was going on, I thought Cora still had some ways to go to Seattle, and I didn't realize she was already there.

I'm sorry if this seems like a pretty poor critique - the way the story is written gives it a character of its own, and it's nearly painful to try to interfere.

Can't wait for more!

Hate long chapters, but this story kept me captivated and wanting more. The description is great and your writing style is good. It is rather good seeing it is your first time writing after many years.

I loved this. Your descriptions and word choices are excellent and they paint a beautiful picture. I enjoyed your characters; I found Gemma absolutely adorable, and Cora is completely believable.

I noticed a few grammatical errors that can be easily fixed during a proof-read. The main thing I noticed that you need to watch out for is run-on sentences. The most noticeable one begins with "'Home sweet home,' Gemma said cheerily," They are easily fixable, sometimes it's just a matter of recognizing them ^^

Overall I thought your work was wonderful and look forward to more~ keep it up ^^

@ jacasaurusrex
You're very welcome! I do try and give more than just the regular "I love this!" or "This is so good!" Keep writing! I've subscribed

@ recluse-
Thanks so much! I honestly didn't find it stiff either but everyone is entitled to their opinions. Your kind words really do mean the world to me. Thanks for taking the time to give me such lovely feedback.

This feels real, almost like you yourself have been through it, and you're just writing it down as if it isn't you, like it isn't your reality. With that said, I disagree with how TinyOceans said it's stiff. I think it has to be. You have this woman here, whose lost her husband, her one true love, and she's lost.

Your description is wonderful, touching just enough on her reality where you don't feel exactly what she's feeling, but you have an idea of it.

All in all, this was wonderful.
And I loved the part where you write, "whispered promies of forever felt on every surface of her skin."

@ TinyOceans
Thanks so much for the input! I know I have a knack for a good run on but for some reason I love how they flow. I always think if someone could hear me read my work aloud they would get it. I will bear that in mind though.

Your narration style feels a little too stiff for the situation, although the drop right into a moment of the characters life is an attractive opening. I feel like your story could be improved with a little more work in brevity, and looking a little more closely at your lexical choices.
There are points in which you fall into the trap of a run on sentence, which would be aided by stronger proofreading (although I am one to talk, as I never proof a thing if I can help it!) For instance:"Cora turned to see a familiar stranger running towards her bundled in a parka that seemed to swallow her alive, her golden brown hair bouncing merrily under her trapper hat."
This section works better as either two sentences (either with a full stop or semi colon after "towards her" eg. "Cora turned to see a familiar stranger running towards her; bundled in a parka that seemed to swallow her alive, [sic: removed pronoun] golden brown hair bouncing merrily under her trapper hat."

Overall, the characterisation is good, and I like the naming choices you make, they are quiet fitting. You also create a lovely tone and set a scene well, and whether intentional or not I loved the mild pathetic fallacy you use in the early sections of this chapter. The style of writing allows us a good insight into the characters thoughts and feelings without being brash. A very interesting story, I'll definitely recommend to others!

I absolutely love your style, and Gemma's and Cora's emotions are believable- something that I value highly on sites like these. Also, you managed to, in not many words, give life to your characters, personality. I really enjoyed reading this and I do hope you keep it going.

@ Grotesque.
Oh my goodness thank you! I am so glad you liked it that much, it truly means a lot! You are lovely!

@ dream'n.reality.
The same to you! Your words really do mean the world to me. Everyone needs encouragement and you've certainly supplied it. I will look into editing the layout, in all honesty I am utter crap at making them! Lol.

I really like this! There is something amazing about the clash of right words and description you used, that made this story worth reading! It's beautiful tragic, and not too sullen it's just the right kind of sadness. A familiar feeling that doesn't go over the edge. Your writing was quite inspiring, the only downside is the other chapters have a lot to compete with, to keep this as great as it is. A simple suggestion of mine is to make the content page a bit slimmer to show off the background more, but it's only an opinion. I'm subscribing to see more! The start of this story is unique and is something to be proud of! :)