Dying Is Fine, But Maybe - Comments

Comment Swap
I'm usually one to stray away from stories much like this, but this is so unique and filled with such great detail and emotion that I honestly couldn't put my phone down. I had to read this all through dinner (sorry mom/dad) because it drew me in so greatly. You truly do know how to work up such emotion. It's beautiful really.

@ not with haste
Thank you for the kind words. I promise this story won't have too, too many depressing moments. And I am so tickled that you were listening to Sigur Ros while reading this because I was listening to them while writing this last night. It's kismet!

this is actually very lovely. at first, the title of it caught me off guard because in all honesty some of the stories here on mibba can be quite depressing but this one really draws you in. the way you detail simple things is quite beautiful. even your description of her is amazing, i could see it all in my head.

it's very delicate, your writing. like, if there was a word to describe it, it would be delicate. maybe it was because i was listening to sigur ros in the background whilst reading, i don't know but it was nice.

i also happen to adore that this story is targeted to people over the age of thirteen. not very many stories on here have characters older than 20 so i truly enjoyed it. x

@ What...
Thank you ever so much. I truly appreciate the time you took to comment on what you actually liked about the chapter. You're simply a sweetheart.

of his whispered promise of forever felt on every surface of her skin,

That's really beautiful okay? okay.

I'm just going to go through and say what I liked, alright? Okay.

pieces of other people's lives drifting in and out of her ears all but unheard.

She notices and that's so cool, for someone to notice.

her window remained fairly unchanged as winter's hand painted a bleak picture from state to state

Oh the imagery, it gets my heart

and here's some Starbucks. I hope you still like chai tea lattes
So Seattle.

“Hey, Gem. Long time no see.” Oh poor baby

There's an IKEA about twenty minutes away. I figured we could hit that up in the next few weeks so we can get this place feeling more like home for you.
It's such a small gesture but it means so much

The weeks following Jasper's death had resulted in a massive decrease in her appetite, if not an absolute cessation, and she'd dropped nearly twenty pounds from her five foot ten inch frame. She'd already been thin and now she looked close to skeletal, her cheekbones even more prominent than usual and her collarbone sticking out at an almost grotesque angle. The dark shadows under her blue eyes were unnatural and lent her the look of someone who'd been on the wrong end of a left hook or two

I love the description. I just SEE all of it, like she's standing in front of me!

I think this was really awesome

And I love the plot. Like starting over is something you don't get to see very often, but it's a nice idea. Even though she came from sad circumstances, I think you have her a really great start.

@ HelpI'mAlive
I actually just said aloud "Oh my goodness, thank you!". So thank you so much for the kind words. That means so much to me. Awesome encouragement! You are lovely! xoxoxo

To start off, I adore the layout, the banner - everything. You immediately create a fine atmosphere that I'm interested to be in. I liked your summary/prologue/description, mainly because, unlike other stories, it actually summarizes, like it is supposed to. I feel like lately, the descriptions just concern the biggest dramas in the book, but yours is actually everything you're planning to bring together in the end. I like that.

Now, onto the actual writing. Just the first lines, the first words - "delicate fingers" - paints a picture in my mind. Your writing has a lovely flow that I simply adore. You are very delicate and gentle with your words, almost soft-spoken in a sense. I enjoyed reading this chapter alone, and I found the last line to possibly be my favourite - "There was something akin to bliss in the veritable void she was left with." Just that sentence alone kills. Your writing is beautiful. Don't ever stop.
xx

@ Grump Bunny
Oh my goodness you are too, too kind. Thanks for liking the fact that it's not super YA because I feel that is really what most people are looking for on here as evidenced by the fact that some have found this boring (though I could see it from their vantage point I suppose). I just am not looking to do that with this story though I quite love some YA work. I certainly have no problem with the promotion at all and I think you are very sweet to do so!

This is really good, amazing. The description is perfect and not lacking, and it is so awesome to find a story that isn't centered around teenage love, though there isn't anything wrong with that at all. I can't wait to see how the story turns out.

I like how realistic it all is, Gemma isn't perfect and doesn't have everything ready for her guest. Sounds a bit like me, I would have almost every thing... (and I'm a bit of a bath product junkie, too) except the essentials... Anyway, really great job! I hope you don't mind that I promote this in my promotional blog on Monday!

@ jacasaurusrex
No problem. I really enjoyed reading this lol :D

@ ironi1234
I will keep that in mind, thank you. I tend to talk that verbosely as well but I realize most people don't. Lol. Thank you for the feedback!

@ XXXataktoulaXXX
Thank you! I one hundred percent agree about the summary. I rushed through it in like thirty seconds just so I could post that chapter. I will take another look at it today!

•Comment Swap•
This was a pretty good first chapter! The description is excellent. I could really picture the story and it made me want to read the story. The only thing I would like to advise you is to make your sentences less longer as they are really confusing. A few times I had to reread them to understand what you were talking about. Other than that, awesome job! Good luck! :D

Dear author, the comment swap thingy brouhht me here and I'm glad it did. Finally a story that has to do with adults and not school and teenagers. Nice work with the summary even though it could use a bit work...you know, make it more attention grabbing. The first chapter was pretty nice, plus you did a pretty good job with your descriptions. I can't wait to see where you take this. :) ~Marian.

Dear author, the comment swap thingy brouhht me here and I'm glad it did. Finally a story that has to do with adults and not school and teenagers. Nice work with the summary even though it could use a bit work...you know, make it more attention grabbing. The first chapter was pretty nice, plus you did a pretty good job with your descriptions. I can't wait to see where you take this. :) ~Marian.

This is really good! The only thing I see wrong is a few run on sentences, but they didn't take away from the story. Great job :)

@heatherlight: I can totally see what you are saying on that count and it will have more to it as time goes on. I think the difference between my writing and a lot of the stories on here is that I may not have "super"drama since it's not really a fanfic or a YA novel. But I will certainly bear that in mind. Thank you!

Alright, so first of all I'll do the critique and then I'll tell you what I like :)

Basically, the only thing wrong I see is the fact that it was boring. The description was flawless, but nothing really happened. I know this was the first chapter and you want to introduce your character to your readers, but the action will let your reader get sucked into the story rather than long, descriptive introductions.

On the other hand, the description you did was amazing. For being the first time it was awfully good, I really do envy you. I couldn't find any flaws save for what I told you already. Good job, it was good, really good :)

You're so descriptive and I absolutely love it! I tend to be better at dialogue, but wow, you really know how to set a scene. I'm jealous! I look forward to seeing where this goes, and thanks for the comments!

So I saw your post about being "new" to writing on Mibba - me too! I thought I'd check out your story, and so far I like it - I love reading other people's stories almost more than I like writing my own. Can't wait to see where you go with this! :)