City of Glory - Comments

@ insufferable;
@ psiioniic
@ losing control.
Thank-you so much for your reviews! I'll admit, having went back and reviewed my first couple of chapters, I found them a little rough and needed much work. I did start this story when I was 18, almost three years ago, and it's always nice to be able to go back and see how much your writing has changed in a matter of time. I am in the process of editing the complete story for my personal sakes, which does include completely re-vamping the first chapter. I find the first couple of chapters aren't really needed, as they don't entirely build on the plot. With that being said darlings, I appreciate the positive criticism and I take it with immense consideration.

Alright, I've only read the first chapter so far but I'm going to comment before I read more.

I liked the summary, I feel like it gave a nice overview of what to expect with the story without giving too much away. It also got me interested enough to keep reading which is always nice.

I feel like starting off with dialogue is alright as long as it's broken up with some detail. I felt like the dialogue kind of went on for a while and we didn't really get much insight into what was actually going on which threw me off a little. With all the names, I'm assuming because this is a Hollywood Undead story, they would all make sense if I was actually familiar with the band. I liked that part of the dialogue though, I felt like it gave us a bit of an idea of what Jordan and Geraldine are like.

Going straight from almost exclusively dialogue to big paragraphs of description was a bit overwhelming. I did appreciate the amount of description you had, I felt like it helped build up the world the story is set in, since it's vastly different from what most of us experience every day. However, I think it would work well if you had a balance between the dialogue and description instead of going from one to the other, if that makes sense.

Overall, I think this is a good start and it'll be interesting to see where the story goes!

The summary was interesting. I can't say I was necessarily hooked by it, but it did pique my interest enough to keep reading.

Chapter One:
Jumping right into dialogue is fine if it presents some background information or if there is enough detail surrounding it to set the mood. Unfortunately for me, that extra detail wasn't there. It made it difficult to follow due to how fast paced it was without really saying what was going on. Not to mention the sheer number of name drops without really talking about who they were (I do realize they'll be mentioned later) made it more than a little confusing. The dialogue is fine, but make sure to keep tabs on who exactly is talking because that was mildly hard to follow. Also, jumping from almost straight dialogue to bulky, descriptive paragraphs is a little disorienting and messes with the flow of the story because the reader goes from fast-paced to needing to slow down in order to understand where they are. Having some of that detail dispersed throughout the dialogue to set the scene would have been a better move, in my opinion. It would have made things a lot easier to read.

I would like to commend you on your grammar, punctuation, and spelling. It is impeccable! I didn't see a single thing wrong with that. I also like that you put the name pronunciations at the end. One other thing that I did like, even if it was all bulked together, WERE the descriptions. They truly are very vivid and believable, so good job on that.

I probably won't continue reading this just because I had such a hard time getting into it and reading it, but I do wish you well on writing it in the future!

Summary:
Oooh, this is the second story I've read where band members are drug lords and I must say that I loved the first one, so I'll probably love this one the same. I'm very excited to see what this story holds!

Chapter One:
I had a really difficult time getting into the first chapter. All of a sudden there were names being thrown at me and very little detail as to what was going on. They were smoking weed, that I get. But more description would've been great.
I'm confused as to why he would bring Geraldine along when he didn't want distractions. Wouldn't she distract him further if she came along? I found myself really confused by that.
The fact that more names were thrown in confused me even further, especially when the reader doesn't get background info on any of the others above, save for a little on Geraldine.
I do like the descriptions you gave of the surroundings toward the end, though. It really helped me picture what your characters were seeing.

All-in-all, I probably won't be continuing this simply due to the fact that I was so confused by the amount of characters that were introduced and brought up at once. It really took away from the story with me. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes though. I wish you the best of luck with this!

@ JustShrugAtlas
Thanks dear! No worries, the story is going to be about 60 chapters, so the plot is developing.I focused more-so on the development of characters in the first half. Welcome aboard dear! (: Can't wait to hear what you think!

I feel like Imm missing a huge plot point. Or maybe you just haven't revealed it yet lol. You have me hooked! Can't wait to find out more.

OOOOOH I am super excited. I am always eager to read more you have amazing writing skills!

@ Violetta3Tears
GIRL! Oh my goodness HEY! <3 Man how I've missed you! You've honestly been with me and this story since the very beginning! I appreciate it so much!
2.) YES. I honestly love Jorel's character so much. Sidenote: I only say this because my sister absolutely HATES Jorel and everything he stands for.
3.) I'm definitely building up for something huge...
5.) I'm glad somebody still values Dean and her character! I feel like a lot of people are going to start to hate her very soon ...

I'm going to update again this week! I'm so glad you're still around, dear. I hope everything is well with you! <3

OH HAI AGAIN <3
1. Yes because of what he did to her and Jorel. That was a scary experience for her.
2. She probably would have gotten worried and she is already dealing with too much. He doesn't want her any more invested into this then she already is. He is trying to protect her as well
3. I think he does. Honestly... I think he has sexual intentions and he is slightly jealous of Jorel as well.... Thats just the vibe I am getting from him from the last 3 chapters.
4. Yes and no. Yes she has because she isn't making it obvious. No because she ends up giving it away once she has been caught.
5. No she really hasn't. When Dean snaps she will probably end up murdering someone. We're talking about Dean here.
I MISSEDTHIS STORY OMG

I love this story so much! It's fucking amazing!!!!! Please update soon!

@ UndeadStories
Hello new reader! I don't think you understand how much I APPRECIATE the time you took to read/drop a comment! Thank-you so, so much!

I would also like to thank-you for commenting on the fight scenes! They're extremely hard to get right, but it's something that I'm determined to perfect! I will be introducing (have already introduced) another female character who is going to be crucial later on in the story, ultimately deciding on the fate of the boys. There won't be many female characters that stay/last long, unfortunately. At least not in this one (I plan on writing 3 parts to this). But that's enough of my rambling ...

I'm glad I've inspired you! I would love to read some of them when you're ready! There's nothing I love more than a good HU story.

90.) I can't remember if I had included details about what had happened after the club in the actual story, or if I had opted it out and into my "Outtakes". They're kind of like 'deleted scenes.' While most are just fillers, there's a couple of "scenes" that I feel tie a lot of things together. If you have the time and are interested, feel free to pop over there and check it out! But that is honestly the BEST (and closest) guess/answer I have heard in regards to Geraldine's character/plans!

I officially adore you.

New reader here! I love the story, it's so detailed and the fight scenes are GLORIOUS!!! I absolutely LOVE the discussion questions you leave for the readers at the end of each chapter, it's so different from the usual author's notes that I find on other stories. Anyway, angry George mm yes, are you going to introduce more ladies later on as love interests for the rest of the guys??

Not gonna lie, your story inspired me to try my hand at a few HU stories of my own and I have about 7 stories in the works right now...I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Discussion question answers:
88. I'm pretty sure the meeting is pertaining to what went down at the club, however I don't understand why the girls don't know that.

89. I'm not entirely sure what she was trying to prove. It seems to me like it was a pride thing, like she wanted to show that she wouldn't bend or break under George's gaze or threats. I feel like in that situation I would do the same that Geraldine did, however once a gun was involved, I'd be bawling like a baby :P

90. I don't think she has a private agenda, however now I'm not so sure with what went down between her and Jorel after the club brawl. It could be that, at the same time, she wishes to overthrow George herself or get someone else in the group to overthrow him and basically take over the whole 'gang' so to speak, because of what he said about him being reckless.

91. I believe George didn't want to kill her but hates when someone doesn't break under his threats. I think that he was just trying to scare her into showing fear and was just 'teasing' about killing her.

92. I have no doubt Jorel would have lost his shit if George had done something, he was just standing there watching this go down probably thinking 'I dare you motherfucker, I dare you.'

So until the next lovely chapter

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OHMY GODASDFGHJKL: I love you please continue

@ Violetta3Tears
YES! Congratulations btw! It's totally understandable! My older sister just had her baby last week and I've been with her every step of the way, so I know how crazy and chaotic things can get through the trimesters ...
And thank-youu! Ahahaha! I love the scandal between Jorel and Geraldine! I just love writing it! Sometimes I feel bad, but it's just too good! Ahaha Aaaaaand no worries! I'm a very patient person!
75.) I never thought of that, tbh. George DOES actually throw a lot of fits/talks at the men ... Then again, he has every right to!
76.) This is a very good point also! Jorel was fully aware of what he was doing! He even said it himself! But he still took advantage of Geraldine, in a sense.
78.) Very true. But Jorel also did point out that she always blacks out when she drinks with them. It was also noted in the beginning of the story that Geraldine has allergies to most illegal drugs, and to some of the things they cut their stuff with. It probably would affect her memory the slightest, especially if it plays with her vision, reflexes, etc.
79.) Agreed.
80.) Well, let's see how much more twisted I can make this

Heygurlhey!
Sorry I didn't comment on this right away. I've been busy with a few things. *rubs tummeh* Loving this update! So scandalous and sexy! I'm sorry I haven't updated yet. I feel so bad.
75.)Well it's George... He is gonna get all pissed and throw his usual bitch fits and beat the shit out of Jorel.
76.) ( I read the outages!!!) I don't know who's fault it is. I kinda do blame Jorel still. He had control of himself and he could have waited but he didn't he gave in. I think it also hurt his chances more with dean since he wasn't honest with her. Hopefully he'll tell her soon... An instead of her finding out on her own.
78.) I call bullshit on this one. She's been doing drugs this long to have some immunity...
79.)He is probably feeling very conflicted... Not much else I can say.
80.)I think shit is gonna hit the fucking fan and a love triangle is gonna form and someone is gonna end up with blood on their hands...

@ P!nkPunkRockBubblez
I love how harmonious our thoughts always seem to be! All I have to say now is that I just read the newest addition to "Outtakes" and you really need to update this soon because I'm going to explode if I don't see how things unfold. I'll always be around to love and support this story so long as you keep killing it with every update!

@ rockstarsNredpants
YES! YES! YES! I was wondering where all these fabulous authors went! I'm so glad to hear that you are working on your story again also!
75: "... lives to see another day." Well then, I think you are in for quite the treat next update (;
76: Agreed. Jorel & Dean do knock-heads a lot, but that's only because of how bold their characters are. Jorel never submits to anyone, but Dean does have him wrapped around her finger nice & tight though ... He always - in a way - has listened to Dean (back at the sandwich shop when she had him clean up his mess, back Jorel reminded Makeda how angry Dean would be at him if he didn't get her home safely, back when Dean told Jorel to calm down in his heated argument with Jordon about power, etc). It's little things like this that most readers find it hard to pick up on, but YOU. You've got a lot of it figured out already! And sometimes I dislike how smart you are! ;(
77: I'm not too sure if Dean would be upset at the fact that Jorel is lying in order to save their relationship, I mean, considering how often she boasted to Jorel about how she is not a cheater and such ... I guess it'll make more sense once I update the Outtakes
78: YESSSSSS! I loved this answer! Hahahaha As if this story isn't already messy & intense enough ... But I don't knowwwwww. I mean, Jorel and Dean are very strong individuals, to keep their pride, would they let it slip? Even to their "brothers"? Hate it all you want, I know you're going to secretly enjoy it. And you're going to hate yourself for enjoying it! Just as much as I love and hate myself for writing these things!
79: Yes. Yes. YES. As well, how much is it going to tear him apart, sitting back and watching Dean and Jordon go about their lives together and/or not having anyone to tell about last night? By the "looks of things", Jorel isn't going to remind Dean of what took place between them. What if Jorel told Dean that she said she loved him? Odds are, and you and I both know, she'd deny it. Considering that she didn't even want Jorel to admit to loving her hours previous ...
80: I agree and disagree with this all at the same time! Hahaha I love whoever Geraldine ends up with regardless, because the two of them (Jorel and Jordon) have taken different approaches. I mean, they both show they love Dean in different ways. Jordon doesn't want to rush things, and keeps what they have as quiet as he can in order to protect her, and then there's Jorel who just can't contain himself, and picks up everything that Jordon leaves out. They're both protecting her, just differently ...

I would like to say THANK-YOU so much for sticking with me throughout this story! I absolutely adore your patience, participation and support! Love ya, girl! And I hope you enjoy what's left to come xoxo

AAAAAAAHHH I AM SO GLAD TO SEE THIS UPDATED!!!
Honestly, the timing blows me away because I just started working on my own HU fic again and then I thought, I wonder if City of Glory has been updated yet, and voilià! Here's an update!
DQ75: Ouuuuu, George is gonna flip shit. He's worked so hard to make his way up to the higher end clients. When he finds out that Jorel put that in jeopardy, and for his own personal use of the supply.... I just hope he lives to see another day.
DQ76: To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. My best guess is that since Jorel managed to calm himself down in the middle of their argument, Dean took that into consideration, and realized how stressed and overwhelmed he is. For the first time ever, he submitted to her in an argument.
DQ77: I'm really torn on this one. I would think that given her personality, if she remembered, she would come right out and say something about it, to ensure Jordon never knows and etc etc. But then I start thinking, well she admitted she loved him. Maybe she's finally coming to terms with that fact. Plus, she got so emotional when Jorel said they didn't. That could only mean one of two things. She's extremely happy she didn't screw things up with Jordon. Or two, she's upset that Jorel doesn't remember (or because she's a smart gal, she's upset Jorel is lying in order to save her and Jordon's relationship).
DQ78: OF COURSE! What would be the fun in fucking your best friends gal if someone doesn't find out, right? Other than that sarcastic remark, someone's gotta find out. Jorel or Dean will crack and tell someone. Then shit will hit the fan and this story is going to get messy and all sorts of intense and I'm going to love and hate it at the same time!
DQ79: That poor boy is going to be torn in half. He's probably elated she admitted it, but then he's gotta be terrified of the implications. He doesn't just have the guys to worry about now, but he needs to get his own feelings and priorities in check. Thinking about settling down must be nerve wracking for him.
DQ80: I've fallen off of the fence to the side that wants Jorel and Dean together. Sorry Jordon, but you had time to get your act together and you failed and I'm tired of waiting around to get that ship to sail. (look at me and my puns go) It's going to be rough for them over the next little while, but they have my support!! HAHAHA

Perfection as always. I'm really looking forward to the updates in Outtakes!

@ Circles
I did at one point! I had this one story on the go but I never finished it :/ I've been working on this one instead

@ P!nkPunkRockBubblez
dude.....your profile pic is amazing. Sam and Dean are amazing! Do you write spn fanfic?