Breach - Comments

I'm sorry I never responded, but thanks for your comments! :D

Okay, I think that this story would flow better and be a lot easier to read if you had a bigger spacing between paragraphs.

Also, I think that you could use a little more detail within describing places and the characters surroundings.

I didn't really see anything else. Over all it's really great. (:

Happy writing! :D

Now, my first piece of advice would be to put a space between the paragraphs. It makes the story much easier to read. I understand that this is a draft, at least from what the status says, and so I won't be extremely harsh (just kidding, I'm never too harsh).

The setting and characters are explained pretty well, although I may suggest to elaborate just a tad more on the setting and surroundings, especially the time period. Yes, it's a fantasy, but it's still nice to know. The description seems Victorian-esque, but the dialogue seems very modern. Thank you for not going into way-too-deep detail in explaining and jumping right into the story. Sometimes writers, myself included, get carried away with that.

The only thing, aside from the spacing, that I noticed is the dialogue. Don't freak out; there's nothing wrong with the dialogue itself. All of the dialogue is ended in commas, when not all of it should.

For example:

"You've just been standing here," she looked at her feet and then back up to me, amber eyes sparkling, "I'm Anastasia. Do you have a name?"

Those commas. You see them? Since Anastasia is not directly speaking(e.g. 'she said') in the sentence following the dialogue, they should be taken out.

"You've just been standing here." She looked at her feet and then back up to me, amber eyes sparkling. "I'm Anastasia. Do you have a name?"

I really hope that I've explained that well. I really hope I've explained myself well throughout this comment. Thanks for your time, bye!