Lumen - Comments

I was brought here by comment swap. I do my comments on layout, summary, content, grammar, and an overall review, so here it goes.

I'm not very fond of the layout, mainly because the picture you have as a background is a bit distracting. I'd recommend using it only as a banner as opposed to a background tile of it. I'm a sucker for simple things, so it was too hard on the eyes for me to read through the layout.

I really like how you linked the piece on your summary to the content in the chapters. The summary is short, simple, and not too giving, which is great because it pulls readers who want to know more in and gets them hooked. Two thumbs up.

I read chapters 1 and 2 for this comment swap, so now let me delve into the content.

I found interesting that you started with a glimpse of Helena's childhood and how her ability was found by teachers through drawings. I'm a master's student in psychology and I am fascinated by the powers of art therapy and how art can express ones' views of the world, desires, fears, everything, so I was captivated by the way you initiated the chapter. Also, the characterization of Helena as a child was spot on; normally children are too engulfed by their own world and their own feelings, so they do not notice that what they do or say might hurt someone else (namely, the teacher), so this was great portrayal.

For chapter 2 I liked how she became less vocal about her ability as a response to her first experience of people knowing about it. Children are prone to hide certain behaviors or beliefs if they think there's something wrong with them, so, again, great portrayal.

At first I was confused about that bit of chapter 2 in which there's a conversation between two unnamed characters. I had to read and reread several times until it finally hit me. Her parents divorced (correct? I hope I interpreted it correctly) and that's how that dull light got into her mother's heart. I was thrown aback by this confusion at first; I would simply suggest to put it in italics in order for the readers to know that this is in fact a glimpse to the past and not part of the story. The rest of the chapter is great; the interaction between mother and child is realistic; the normal teenager life that Helena has is realistic as well, and I like how even though she sees things differently, she reacts the same as her peers.

Overall, I think this was a really good piece that needs very minor alterations (layout, some intext context) and I enjoyed reading.

@ XXXataktoulaXXX

@ lovely oh lovely

@ holly_
Thank you all for such lovely comments! :) It really means a lot. @ holly_ the inspiration comes from this poem by John Donne. :)

thankyou comment swap!
I was hesitant at first, but this is honestly such a well written piece. I love how you portray the childlike innocence in how Helena sees peoples inner light.
I would love to know the inspiration behind the story because it is so intense and you really know how to engage an audience! well done!

Comment Swap--

I'm actually really glad Comment Swap brought me here. :) you have word choice and character development skills that are better than a lot of the stories on here. Only one thing really bothered me though- as stated below, you don't need to state the chapter name at the beginnings of your chapters. Thats all I really see that needs fixing! Great work, I hope you keep it up! :)

Dear author, I'm thanking comment swap for bringing me here. This story is absolutely amazing. :) The only thing that I noticed which you have to change is that the start of every chapter you write the chapter's title when the titles for the chapters should be in the first page instead of inside every chapter. There is no need for naming each chapter "Chapter one", two and so on, there are the numbers to the left side for that. That's all, bye. ~Marian.

Dear author, I'm thanking comment swap for bringing me here. This story is absolutely amazing. :) The only thing that I noticed which you have to change is that the start of every chapter you write the chapter's title when the titles for the chapters should be in the first page instead of inside every chapter. There is no need for naming each chapter "Chapter one", two and so on, there are the numbers to the left side for that. That's all, bye. ~Marian.

@ MyLoveYouAreMine
Thankyou! :D

This is a really good story! The whole part about seeing the light really draws me in. Smile on(: -Abby

@ DreamxWriter
Thankyou!! Im glad it's got you interested. It starts to pick up in the next few chapters and thats when it really starts to get interesting. :)

@ Jaii
Thanks for seeing that! I'll take a look at it to fix that.

@ XTeamSammiX
Thank you! It was inspired by a poem by john donne in the 1600s. He is an amazing writer. I studied him for advanced higher english and just totally fell in love. The imagery is fantasticc! If you google it then you'll find it no bother. :)

@ domi823
Thankyou! :) this was actually one of those writing experiments where it's totally different from anything I've written before; even the style. So glad that the experiment is paying off though.

Thankyou again for your lovely comments!! It sure means a lot.

Comment Swap!

This is very intriguing. At the end of chapter one I was so captivated that I just couldn't stop reading! It's written beautifully. The details are simple, but that's what makes it so great. I have no idea if that made sense XD haha. But I simply can't wait for more! Subscribing!

-Comment Swap-

I love how I get the most intriguing and interesting stories from comment swap. The plot is so, gosh words can't even begin to explain it. The characters are believable and realistic, I didn't notice any errors in it. I recommended and subscribed, I can't wait to see how this story develops. I need to get the book this is based off and read it, because it has to be amazing to have invoked this story.

I really liked this so far. Its a very unique plot which will make it all the more exciting to see where you take it~ The characters are relate-able and the descriptions are well written. there were a few word choice/grammatical errors, but nothing major..main one i noticed was, "I don’t know what processed me to say," possessed is probably what you meant (but I could be wrong ^^) anyway, great start~ keep it up ^^

Comment swap:

This is absolutely fantastic, you have a great plot and story. It's so different, too. Such dynamics you have in the characters, so realistic. It's truly great and fantastic. I wish I could read into this a bit more at this time, but this is truly interesting and great so I'm going to subscribe to hopefully finish reading the rest and truly get hooked. I hope to read more soon!

This is very interesting! I'm very intrigued by the plot and I'd love to read more. The idea is very cool and I've never seen anything like this before. As some have said before its very easy on the mind, but detailed in a way that is mind blowing. I love the layout and how colorful it is, because I can see that the main character is a colorful person. So, I'm in love with this and I'm definitely subscribing to see more because you're fantastic writer and I'd love to see where this is going.
- Comment swap

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the layout is gorgeous too

This story makes me feel all bubbly and happy inside. Its very simple, yet very detailed at the same time. Very original and unique, and very well written. I reeeeeeally love it. I'm definitely going to sub and rec. Keep up the good work, love! I'm interested to see where this goes... As I said, I've never read anything like it. The light that she sees makes her seem very innocent. I'm curious as to what it actually is.

(At first when she got that letter I thought it was going to be a Hogwarts letter... Lmfao. I'm such a loser xD)

~Comment swapper

@ DestroyShelbeyy

@ Seza
Thanks so much for your comments. :) I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'll try through up the next chapter soon, but probably when my exams are out the way. :) And Seza, that would be telling! :P

Comment Swap
Amazing story, love love the start where your talking about the dog and the Turtle and how the light is in all of us.Sounds Very interesting.Its sooo good to read.One Question,do you end up getting into the uni? its also good how it all leads to the next chapter in a good way... Really can't wait to Read more..
=]

Comment swapper here! This is an awesome story! Chapter 01 was superb and made me want to keep reading. I love the detail of the little things you put in this piece. Especially about the dining table in Chapter 02. That's one of my favorite literary additions. You have great segways into the next chapters. This is wonderful! Keep up the great work!