Inside Out - Comments

your characterization of John makes him irresistible. can't wait for more!

I'm really liking this story so far, can't wait for the next chapter

Fair warning in advance: I'm not sure if this will be as long as previous comments because I am talking to you at the same time.

How unfortunate for her to be around MSG but not able to do any watching of hockey. I would want to watch rather than doing what she's doing... But when you have an internship, I guess that's the way it is. God Alexander is an asshole. But I guess someone has to be the obvious bad guy. I laughed at the whole knowing them without actually knowing them.

Yum roasted chicken.

Hahahahaha! The image of Kyle in a Rangers apron and oven mitts. Makes me laugh... Even when I'm re-reading this.

Of course Kyle wants into her pants. Had to see that one coming. And his "pretending" to be surprised. He has to know that this whole thing with Brenna is not going to work because a) He hates the Islanders; b) He hates her home; c) He's not her type; d) His idea of a good time is lame; and, e) JOHN TAVARES. Also known as you lose Kyle.

I like how pajamas are her way of being like oh hey yeah I'm not interested... Don't be attracted to me right now. I'm attempting to be not attractive at all.

Clearly, Kyle didn't think this through... His trying too hard is way too obvious. Really bud? Table cloths and candles? Good job. See Kyle? She's not even thinking about what you're saying... She wants to know how John did.

Classy Kyle. So classy. Just saying I think we would be good together. Can you not see she's not interested? Damn son.

I like how Brenna just blurted out that she has a boyfriend. Take that Kyle, she has JOHN TAVARES.

Perfect that he called right then. Perfect.

She can just tell him what happened and he's like pretty chill with it ... Of course until he asks what she said in response to Kyle's comment. Good job Brenna, you called him your boyfriend and he said just seeing someone. MAKE IT OFFICIAL JOHN TAVARES.

They are so cute together -- even on the phone. So cute. Its perfect how she can tease him and he can tease her. I like how, even though you mentioned it, she's confident and sassy on the phone but hesitant when they are actually together. That will eventually change I'm sure.

Anyways excellent chapter as always. Looking forward to this date. More soon woman!

I can't wait for the date with John!

Awe, this is so cute.. John is so cute! There isn't many stories of him out there. Hope you update soon!

Loving this!

You are your own worst enemy. Just saying. You think everything is horrible and "the worst ever" when it rarely if ever is that. You are an exceptional writer. Please please have some more confidence with your writing.

Again a great balance between description and dialogue. You always know the right way to do that. You'll have to teach me your ways (I just made it seem like you're ... I don't know why my first thought was an evil leader... I can't even think of who I was thinking of haha).

I agree with what the comment down there said about how you had Brenna waiting in the hallway rather than going directly into the locker room. Much more realistic. If anything, family and/or girlfriends wait in the lounge that players often have... Not directly in the room. Anyways, I digress.

The anticipation of her waiting for John and wondering if she should even continue to wait. And then just when she's about to leave... John calls her name and she gets all nervous. That's what I like about Brenna, she's realistic and likeable.

Very cute how John was concerned if she was feeling okay and volunteering to drive her back to school too. I liked that.

Oooh building tension with the whole removing of the tie in the car situation. I was half expecting them to start kissing right there but of course he broke the tension.

Glad you didn't make him an asshole with that adventurous comment. Good way to get her to relax a little bit I think.

From the sounds of it they had a solid date... Then he goes and makes the nice comment. Way to get her head spinning with that one John.

Okay that ending was adorable. When he like manhandles her into the centre console and they crash faces - cute. Then when he's more gentle - even cuter. Then that kiss. And how she doesn't believe him when he says he'll text her. I love that he texted her when she was halfway up the walkway. Too cute.

More soon please :)

I loved this chapter, it's far from being one of the "worst" chapters. I love how it flowed, how tentative Brenna was when she started out on this "date," it was a real difference from how self-assured she was in previous chapters. I loved it, again.

Aw, why do you think this was one of the 'worst' chapters? I'm going to strongly disagree and say that this was one of my favorite chapters so far. First, I really appreciated how you had Brenna hanging out in the hallway while she was waiting. It's become such a hockey story stereotype for girls to go into the dressing room and meet the male character's teammates where they all instantly love her and want to be her friend. That's fine, but I don't think it's very realistic. I was really happy to see you have her in the hall and even ready to leave!

You're so good at picking out what should be dialogue and what should be her inner monologue. I really believe her. I feel like I'm watching these moments as they happen. My favorite part was when she kicked John under the table. And what a great ending to the chapter! I'm already looking forward to the next one.

Fantastic story so far!!!!

Okay so I know you're watching the Bruins game now (otherwise I totally would have texted you but I haven't disrupted during a game all year and I figured now was NOT the time to do so) so I decided that now would be a good time to leave you a lovely comment because people are silly* and either have not read this or commented.

First of all... Chapter One (oh yeah you better get ready for this)
You know how much I enjoy your writing of sass. No one does it better and I truly believe that. You excel at sass. I love the way you describe things, you paint a perfect picture without needing a dictionary to know what words you are using. It's simple but it's completely clear. You use the right amount of dialogue and I really like the way that you don't start each paragraph with dialogue - it's woven into your writing rather than needed to start a separate line for each word spoken (I'm trying to be more constructive for you because I know that's what you want... You hear that people Amanda wants constructive comments!)

Now for plot stuff for chapter one. I like how she just includes him in the shots even though he's all hesitant. She's confident and sassy. You are always great at constructing strong, female personalities - probably because you have one yourself. I always enjoy reading your female characters. They are always distinct and have something about them that make you want things to go well for them. Also loved how she ended things with John about telling her dad about him haha. So good.

Chapter Two
Again perfect description of the scene. Can picture it perfectly (I need to expand my vocabulary to describe your writing). You still have just the right amount of dialogue and description. So many people try to do too much dialogue and that's what I really like about your writing. You describe things and don't need to have the characters talk. It's something I really like.

Plot - I completely agree with you that Henrik was a good choice for her friend/someone she likes on the team because he's older and can be almost like a "father" figure to her. Although it probably goes against every part of her to cheer for the Rangers haha. Alexander is douche but someone had to be of course. She's just so sassy and confident with John. It's great. I loved her response to his name question. It was priceless. I can't imagine a hockey players reaction if that were to actually happen eh?

Chapter Three
Yay more incorporation of dialogue. You do just the perfect amount each time. Every chapter adding a little more, adding a little more depth to the plot (stop being so critical of yourself it's a great plot and excellently written). It was good to describe her home life and a bit of her background. I like how you incorporated that early rather than later. You're always good at knowing the right time to add that sort of thing.

Plot - Frank and Lola's... Classic. I love it. I like how you've woven hockey into the entire family and how it's not just her. It makes this not a typical boy meets girl story you know? She knows all about the game and then some. She could probably whoop any of the Islanders' asses at trivia and it would be sweet if she was a mean hockey player too, you know? Of course she runs into John at her favourite shop - classic. And the matchmaking that Frank has going on there... perfect haha. John's sandwich that was supposed to be takeout now becomes a sit down at the counter and enjoy because there's a pretty girl at the counter... Of course haha. I really like their interactions and how she's suddenly awkward and uncomfortable? around him. It's like it's okay when she's sassy but when she's trying to be herself... It's a challenge? But really, it's John Tavares haha. They are just so cute together... It just works with those two.

Chapter Four
Ah the texting chapter. You did this really well. I could learn from you for this. I should have just put it all in italics instead of adding quotation marks too (I think that's what I did... I can't remember). You write texting and phone calls really well. You can convey the confidence she has when they are texting later on and how close she is to her one brother just through that phone call. I like it a lot.

Plot - Yay he texted her! Yay they are going to have a late dinner/have an actual date. Yay there's hockey involved (of course... he should figure out that's the way to her heart haha). She's sassy and is getting more comfortable with him it seems. Not sure how that will convey when she sees him in person but it will be good. Also, like I said up there I like how close she is with one of her brothers... Not that she's had a chance to converse with her other brother in Europe. Still very cool. The in class interruption was classic.

I cannot wait to read more and I really really really hope you continue to construct this unique, detailed story you have going here because it's really something you should carry on with. It's different and that's what makes it great. It's not your typical story. It's got sass, it's got awkwardness and it's very well written. So please please please please write an update soon :)

*many other words could be used in place of silly but I decided to be polite

i am loving every part of this so far. can't wait to see what you have planned :)

I'm definitely intrigued by the first few chapters. I don't even like the Islanders, but I was a little bummed when I finished chapter 3 and there wasn't any more to read!

I'm not an Isles fan but this story has me hooked-can't wait to read what you have coming next!!

I really like your balance between description and dialogue. Can't wait to read more!

I'm a Flyers fan, why am I liking a Tavares story? Yet, it flows so good.

The hockey fan fiction world needs more Tavares stories! Your narrator is sassy, I like it. :) I look forward to the next chapter.

Really excited for this!

You have my intrest. More please.