Mermaid - Comments

I’m here as the new host for the ‘It’s Time For Some Female Slash’ contest. (And for my revived contest, Summer Is Here, since I won’t be commenting for a second time.)

I have such a soft spot for mermaids, so this caught my interest immediately, and my interest definitely doubled when I knew it was about girls. Your concept is really nice and I really liked the soft, warm kind of vibe you created. Your descriptions of the mermaid were really nice, and I also liked how the narrator actually had some jealousy towards the mermaid’s beauty. It captured how human the narrator really is in comparison, to feel something like jealousy.

The problem was that whilst I’m aware that this was supposed to be romantic, it came off as creepy. The narrator “fell in love” with this mermaid because she watched her every move for days, never having spoken to her at any point. That’s not love, that’s just infatuation, but her intensity was extremely off-putting for me. I didn’t feel any love whatsoever. I couldn’t pity the narrator because everything came off wrong. It made it very difficult for me to connect with her because she was just an unsettling character for me. I think you would have done well to either stretch the timeline out more, have the narrator interact with the mermaid, or change ‘love’ to ‘infatuated’ because that’s all it was.

You also had a few errors that disrupted the flow a good bit, and you had a lot of redundant sentences. Nearly half of the third paragraph was repetitive and awkward, and there was an error in the beginning of it with When she laid on the hot sun — I’m not sure if you meant ‘in’ or ‘sand’ in that. Like I’ve said in the past, I do think you should slow down and flourish your details in more depth because you have a tendency to make it feel like you’re rushing so I can’t connect to anything.

So I did enjoy the concept and I think it has a lot of potential.

Once again, I really like the layout. It fits the story well.

I like the beginning paragraph. It sort of draws readers in with all the questions.

This sentence reminded me of The Little Mermaid, "Her voice was magical as she stayed outside of the water and sang.".

I think you mean "sand" instead of "sun" in this sentence "When she laid on the hot sun…"

I would try a different color to describe he tail during the "Her dark ocean, mermaid tail" because she's generally in the ocean so to say her tail was the same color seems…a bit off. I think.

I wonder how the narrator came to the conclusion that the mermaid wished to be human like the girl wished to be a mermaid. We don't really get her side of the story, understandably of course.

I like this sentence "I walked but she swam. I could stand but she couldn’t. I had legs but she had her dark ocean tail. I needed land but she needed water." It really shows the contrast the two have. I also like this sentence "But, every moment has to pass and that moment did."

I would change the last word in this sentence "I watched her leave…leave the sand, leave the sea, and leave my heart." because the mermaid didn't leave the girl's heart as we read in the last paragraph.

Overall I like the story. I think it could have used some more scenes though. The narrator seemed to be infatuated with the mermaid or in lust rather than love. Love takes time to develop and conversation. The narrator and mermaid never talked to each other. They don't know how the other felt, at least the narrator doesn't know how the mermaid felt. Other than this, I think it was a nice story.

Lol sorry posted twice

AWWW i loved this!!! I loved the layout you made thanks for using the picture. I couldn't help feel bad for the girl because it was over, she couldn't even watch her anymore. I wonder if the mermaid had the same feelings? Either way it was beautiful and believe it or not i almost cried. Haha i know i'm a wuss. Great job!

This is incredibly well thought, and I love your simple and yet smooth narration. I do feel like something was missing, but it wasn't obvious. The ending tied up well and I liked that the narrator acknowledged that she was the first and only woman that she would fall for. It's sweet and I wish you a lot of luck!

The beginning of this story was well thought out. I could tell you really wanted to get the reader into the story and have their gears turning; it worked. The fact that it was so easy for the narrator to admit that they were infatuated with the mermaid. The comparisons you used to show why they were doomed to never be able to love one another made sense and gave me that small feeling of tragedy. When she immediately turned and swam away I thought the narrator should have felt more of a stabbing pain of unrequited love. It seemed more like she didn't feel that same sense of wonder. The eye contact wasn't enough to establish that connection for me.

It was as if the narrator had been watching and dreaming about her and their love for one another that they tricked themself into believing they were more than they were, of that makes sense? Really beautiful.

Again, one thing I noticed is the use of ellipses. I do see why you use them and what you're going for (because you want that nice dramatic pause) but sometimes it just doesn't work. They weren't as frequent in this piece as they were in Beach but I still don't think they fit where you had them. Other than that, I really like the way you started it off with the rhetorical questions to get the reader thinking and involved in the story. I also really love how you can't tell if the girl was actually a mermaid or not. Because really, it could just be a metaphor for her being so mysterious, but we may never know the truth! Great story