July 18th, 2015 at 05:37am
I love your writing style. Everything flowed so well and it made it so much more painful to read. I could relate to it a lot more than I care to admit, and the way you wrote and described everything was so real. The emotion was really intense and the relationships between all of your characters were so raw. And that ending. God. I just wanted her to be okay but I knew she wasn't going to be.
Some things I found:
Chapter 4:
I should have seen it coming, I should have seen it coming, and I hate myself that I didn't.
“I hate myself that I didn’t” felt kind of choppy.
Chapter 5:
"Lovi, I didn't mean to...." Her voice trails off. She sounds tired, but I don't think that's she's sorry.
“That’s” should be “that”.
Chapter 7:
There's no where else for him to go.
“No where” should be one word.
Chapter 10:
Does her mind ever wonder to me when she's bored?
I think “wonder” should be “wander”.
Chapter 11:
He's thinking hard about something, and I know he's debating whether he should confine in me or not.
I think “confine” should be “confide”, considering the context.
Chapter 12:
This has escalated quickly, I don't know how, but my fists are clenched, and my muscles are taunt.
Pretty sure “taunt” should be “taut”.
"You've had me, Leo! Just me! You never had Mom; Mom was mine, but you sure as had my sorry ass. And, I've done everything for you.
Feels like you’re missing a word between “sure as” and “had.
Chapter 14:
It's always in my mind, but I'm still numb.
“In” should be “on”.
Anyways, now that my nitpicking is out of the way. This was such a fantastic story and you did an amazing job with the entire thing
).
. So contradictory to the line a "fun" summer project. Maybe fun for you to write, not to read!
It's not so bad, I have to remind myself, it used to be worse. So much worse.
What you have here are three independent clauses and one dependent one. Since I perceived this part as a thought, it's better if it's in italics to distinguish it from the narration. The period after be worse should be a comma because what follows it is a dependent clause like what I've mentioned above. On the other hand, if it's not a thought, they should be separated from each other or you can just play around with punctuations and add some words to not break the flow. For example, it can be something like: It's not so bad. I have to remind myself that it used to be worse, so much worse.
Chapter 4:
I should have seen it coming, I should have seen it coming, and I hate myself that I didn't.
After the first coming, it should be a period instead of a comma.
Chapter 6:
I cough a little, try not to giggle a little, and pass it to Chris.
Having a little repeated breaks the flow in my opinion.
Chapter 7:
The white cloth dirties, Leo lets out a sigh, and I'm not sure whether it's one of pain or relief.
I think you can make do without the underlined part because including it makes the whole thing choppy and it doesn't connect with the rest of the sentence.
Chapter 8:
It was years ago, Lovi, remember that. It doesn't matter anymore.
I'm still crying. The ceiling light is on, but I still reach over and turn on the desk lamp. I think I'm going to puke.
I still don't like the dark.
A better word choice for still would be even now or however.
Chapter 11:
He's thinking hard about something, and I know he's debating whether he should confine in me or not.
I think you meant confide than confine.
The few last chapters was painful. I never had a sibling but if my famly told me that they hated me and I should die, I probably would. The agony of being alone in the world must be so unbearable and you've described it admirably. Chapter 14 was - without a doubt - the best. The words you chose and the narration accentuated the overall feeling of bitterness from Lovi. You have evoked a wistful and somber feeling in me that I seldom have when reading written works. You are undoubtedly amazing for writing this piece.