Agonium - Comments

God, chapter eight was tough to read. Lovi had to be so young then, and that was really terrifying. It's safe to say that I hate her father. I hope by the end of the story both Leo and Lovi are able to get away from him. I still have so many questions about this story, but the more you post, the more everything makes sense.
I think one of the things that gets to me the most about this story is how real it is. It freaks me out because I could see this really happening to somebody because the events in your story (the drunk dad, the druggy mum) happen in real life quite often.
Please update soon!

Here from Le Comment Swap.
So to start off, the layout did not succeed in making me want to read this story at all. Sure it's easy to read not like most of the overly bright ones on here, but to be painfully honest, it's boring.
I think your idea is very good, seeing the hatred of a young girl for her own mother is not something that is written about everyday. It's nice to read something so fresh and exciting. I like the length of the chapters, I don't like reading ones that are 3,000 odd words, these are what I'd call short and sweet.
I think you could go more in depth with Leo, you've kind of left things out about him, and it left me a little confused to why he acts so mean.
Some more description would be nice too, but in saying that your writing flows well and is interesting to read. Good job, I look forward to reading more.

Honestly, this chapter was terrifying and very nearly painful to read. I think what's most horrifying is to know that stuff like this and worse happens for real nearly if not every day all over the world. I do love the insight on the past the reader was given though, overall this is what I was craving - although now it just seems awful and horrifying. It definitely helped answer some of the multitude of questions I had. I felt like I was going to smother when he locked Lovi in the bathroom and dared her to turn on the light. I'm terrified of the dark and the poor child, who I'm assuming was about 7 here, was in there for at least five hours. Now I'm also wondering, what kind of person is her mother? Does she know her husband is an abusive shit bag, or is he a LYING, abusive shit bag? Does she get it too? If she knows and / or does get beat too, why won't she leave? Or does she not care? I do hope that more info is given on her soon, I feel like it would advance the plot so far. Wonderful chapter! I really do enjoy this story - so much so that I mentioned it in my latest blog under stories I'm really enjoying at the moment.

Got sent here by comment swap i've only read a couple chapter but its good different to what i would normally read, you can tell that you put your emotions into its very nice :)

Lovi seems like a lovely girl that has a hard life i hope her friends can help her through it people need their friends by their side.

Keep writing :)

Chapter seven really pulled at my heart. I'm assuming that we're back in the present now. The way Lovi watches over Leo and is basically that motherly figure he no longer has is beautiful. I very much love how she looks after him even though he's been ugly to her earlier in the story. I actually very nearly tested up at the end where he called Lovi Lovely again. That seems so very significant to how the rest of the story is going to turn out. It's apparent that Leo isn't so hateful towards Lovi anymore and that their relationship is going to heal and get better. Still would love to get more background on family life before now since she spoke of how she protected Leo from their parents. Their father really makes me uncomfortable. I'm very much loving what you're doing with this story!

I got here with the comment swap and i'm very happy with what it had suggested me :)
i read it in like, 30 minutes or even less, and when i hit the last chapter i got very disappointed because i was just so stuck with the story and didn't want for it to end (i know there will be more, but it's all i've got now and it's still sad)
what amused me the most, was how strong Lovi was when she was only 11 years old and she stood up to her mother. it's very painfull to read about daughter's hatred towards her own mother, but it's how reality works sometimes. i've read stories about broken families before, but i think that yours stands out, because the plot is not consecutive and only the most important parts ar shown to the reader.

I'm seriously loving this story so much! I love the insight to Lovi's social life. By the sounds of it, she's pretty close to this Mason fellow. I hope we get to find out more about him and her other friends the more that this story develops. I liked to see Lovi get out, as from the sounds of it, it's a rare occurrence for her. And the question is, is it by choice or is she forced to stay at home? I do hope that that's also addressed at one point later. Also thanks for clearing up how old Leo & Lovi are! Leo is actually younger than I was expecting.

I'm also terribly sorry to hear about your back! I hope you start feeling better soon.

Comment Swap:
I really like you're style of writing, how the first sentence is the usually the main focus of the chapter. I was also wondering how old Lovi and Leo were too. Just an suggestion; I would like to know a little more about Leo. Why he turned out so mean. Maybe a point of view for Leo? Just throwing ideas out there. I like how Lovi thinks, she's more mature for her age(Which I'm assuming is around the teens?). I know most people would complain about the short chapters, but I think it goes along well with the theme. You don't have to use a lot of words to get your point across in each chapter.
Over all thought I really enough reading this story. I think is has some good potential going! I like the simple layout. Personally I'm not to keen on flashy, bright layouts.

I really hope you have more flashbacks from Lovi's and Leo's past. I'm just really digging them. I really want to know what happened to Leo to make him such a lil shit though. (How old are Lovi & Leo? I'm kinda curious?)

I wanted to comment on this before but I didn't quite know how, and I still don't, so here goes. I guess my first impression of the story came from the layout because it's black and white, which is a really stark contrast. And then I read the story and I was like "wow". I like Lovi a lot. She seems like a rather strong person who was shoved into something that she shouldn't have been, because I get the feeling that she's not naturally strong, but now she has to be, for herself and for Leo. Now Leo: I want to know what happened to him. Was it after his mum shoved him that he became so violent and insolent? But Lovi was taking care of him — okay that doesn't make sense, hahaha, but yeah, I've got all these questions. I'm sorry about Lovi's situation (and I'm sorry you didn't get your cake ).

*Comment Swap*
This is really good so far, your chapters are short but good, the description you use is perfect for the chapter size and I didn't spot any mistakes along the way! I like the flashback moments and the speech that you start off every chapter with adds to the effect for me anyway!

All I would say is maybe think about adding a layout that compliments the story, I think a layout which pictures at least part of the story also adds to the intrigue!

All in all I love it! I love your writing style as well it's simple yet harder because you have to get your story across in such a small space of writing and I think you've done a good job at that!

Comment Swap :)
I opened this story and had absolutely nothing to work off of, and I found that to be surprisingly intriguing. The layout is as simple as it gets, and your chapters are short, simple, and very vague, but I feel like I learn so much about your characters and their lives in such a small amount of words. Writing like that is more difficult than it seems, and I applaud you for pulling it off! The narration also seems so natural and raw, bringing the characters to life in a very unique way. This is truly like nothing else I've ever read, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

Very curious as to what's going on with Leo. I'm also assuming that this was a glimpse into the past. I'm also wondering as to how Lovi & Leo ended up with their shit stain father instead of a seemingly nice foster family. The characterization of the social worker was excellent, she reminded me a lot of the social workers I've met before. Overall, I very much enjoy your use of description in order to put the picture in the reader's head. I really just like your writing in general. You're very talented! I love how much you update too, it's wonderful. I'm enjoying this story very much!

Love the glimpse we get into Lovi and Leo's every day life and dealings with their father. It's so sad to see these two kids in the middle of their father's train wreck. Hopefully they can learn to grow and heal together. They need each other and that's already very apparent. I truly do adore this story. The simplicity makes me wonder on myself and maybe start to put things together. Love love love it.

Comment Swap:
The simplicity of this story is what really got me. I know you said the writing and the layout is a mess, but I don't think so. It fits the story. You pulled me in by the first quote and kept me in with your simple details. My favorite part about this is you created characters so well in such a small amount of text: the drunk father, Leo. Even the mother is well-written and she isn't even there. This is really great. :)

This is already so incredibly painful and beautiful. I can sense the underlying pain in the narrator. The last chapter really broke my heart when she was talking about how Leo used to call her Lovely when he was younger, but now he calls her bitch. And then the mentioning of how their mother kept things strong. Man, it just really broke my heart. I really have enjoyed this so far though. I hope you do update frequently, like you've figured you will. I can't wait to see how you develop and flesh this out. There's so many questions and wonderings I have in my mind. :)

[Comment swap.]

I love how the beginning is short and to the point, which pulls the reader into the story and wont get bored. I enjoy how dark this story is, it brings out the realism. The relationship with 'Lovely' and Leo is something I adore. I really liked how you told how their relationship was before, and how it is now. Can't wait to see more.

*Comment Swap*
This is a great beginning! I love how you jumped immediately into the plot. The way you lay the paragraphs out is kind of annoying though but it might be because it was short. Other than that good job!

"fun lil summer project"
yeah, cause this sounds so fun. I can already tell that this will be painful to read.
But, even with this little bit, I can it's going to be amazing.