Call of the Waves - Comments

@ Hopeless Lullabies
I was so close to giving up on this story because no one had commented on it in such a long while. Thank you so much! Your comment means so much! I will try and update soon, I've already half written the next chapter and planned out the rest of the story. Thank you for subscribing and stay tuned! :) <3

I wouldn't have clicked on this had I not been through comment swap, but after reading, I'm surprised with how much I liked it. I used to be obsessed with anything remotely supernatural/mythical when I was little and this brought me back to that. The only thing that I didn't like was how short the chapters were. I noticed a few grammatical errors, but that's about it as far as complaints go. I love the two girls' names and I like the connection. By the second chapter, I got a feel for the characters and I love that, considering most authors don't give a backstory for any of the 'bad' characters. But with you doing this, I was able to feel (even if just a little) sympathy for their father and even be a little envious of the brother. I really like this and I think you've got a subscriber. Keep it up.

@ lilmisskendallj
Hi, I know you commented 9 months ago, but I'm just seeing this comment now. Comments like yours make my day and motivate me to write more! Glad you like my story, there's lots more to come don't worry :) xx

CS - the layout is nice, but some words on the intro page merge into the picture, which lessens the appeal a little. Also, the summary could offer a little more detail.

There are some minor grammatical errors, they may just be typos, but they don't make it difficult to understand. For instance:

“We don’t have much time” she whispered
“My father is angry and the spell will soon wear off.”

Should be:

“We don’t have much time,” she whispered.
“My father is angry and the spell will soon wear off,”

And this:

"Oh no" she replied "I was watching you swim, you're quite good, aren't you"

Should be:

"Oh no," she replied. "I was watching you swim, you're quite good, aren't you?"

But I wouldn't worry too much about the grammar.

The character development is great. You introduce characters slowly and by the end of the first chapter I have a sense for who Seth, Jude, and their father are. Your transitions between POVs are smooth, and I like how you handle the flashbacks.

One other pointer, though, is to maybe combine your chapters, or make them a little longer - starting new chapters so soon can disrupt the flow.

But otherwise, great job!

Wow, I like what I read. The layout is so nice! I love the way you write it and how bad ass your characters are. Each of them feel different than the other, and I really like that. Maybe try working on your grammar somewhat? But who am I kidding, I don't exactly have the best grammar either.

I love this, I love this, I. LOVE. THIS! Comment swap brought me here and I'm so glad it did. :) This is probably the most creative an original story I've read on here in a very long time and I'm super impressed. You're very talented and provide the perfect amount of detail.
I can't wait to read more! :D

@ Kainder
I wrote this story a year ago and I have matured so much as a writer since then! Thank you so much for your lovely comment! You were absolutely spot on about everything :)

I can tell this story was born from vivid imagination. I *ADORE* mermaids so I got into here excited.

You probably got hit with either a burst of inspiration, a burst of motivation, or both--- but either way it's evident you had to sit down and push this out.

It's one of those situations where the song played itself. The story was pumping out almost faster than you could think of it, and it was just using your fingers as a host.

Believe me, I know how that is. <3

But my problem here is, because of that, this is painfully rushed. Your story suffers quality from how rushed it is. Your grammar isn't top notch, and the way you space out the story isn't enough to disguise it. Each chapter is about two paragraphs long.

The story is so fast paced that any scene that should grab my attention goes by so fast that rather than being hooked, I'm just sitting there like, 'what?', 'what's even going on right now.'

For example, the random appearance of a girl at his school, that he ---- in a quite cliche manner-- feels he's seen before~~~

And he chases her down and her thought is she needs to meet up with him, and not she he's totally weird for chasing her?

I'm sure you have your reasons, I don't mean to criticize the content. This story is your baby, it shows potential, and if you really apply yourself--- with such an awesome imagination you can make it places. :)

So I want you to never give up writing, to keep working, keep climbing higher and higher and then I want to see you become something.

Kudos for such a stellar imagination.

I really like the story and I love the concept or mermaids changing into human form for sex or birth, it kinda explains a lot. I do love the lenght of your chapters; not too long and not too short. Keep up the good work!

C.S || I started from the last few chapters considering I can base it off better on your recent post and take time to know what your writing is like. I've realized a few things in your writing, mainly your grammar errors, capitalize and remember to end your sentences with fullstops girly, you're not ending any of the speeches with fullstops and it's irritating me (just a pet peeve!)
Chapter 18: "Starving him and torturing him when he’s done nothing!” should or could be "Starving and torturing him when hes innocent!" It sounds much more professional and formal. Your writing is waaay too casual in some areas.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY” I screamed." - I absolutely hate when even famous authors capitalize their words, It's not a wronging, it's just really annoying. We're reading. "I screamed" should give us a clear idea and we shouldn't need the capitals to tell us.

"I spun around and stormed towards her. I could see her shrink back in fear.
\\WHY IS THERE A SPACE HERE?//
I stopped when my face was about two inches away from hers."

Should be:
I spun around, storming towards her with rage, I could see the fear in her eyes, her body shrinking back from the fear. I stopped two inches away from her face.

"I had to find him."
>> "I have to find him."

I'm sorry this was extra long, but only for your benefit. Good luck. :)

Nooooooo what is wrong with R!!! Why!! Lol. Did she curse herself to never care again?! Aaawww my heart aches for Seth! Hahah, great chapter though!!! Wonderful wonderdul and cant wait for more!

So I'm only going to point out a few things, like the stuff that really pop out at me. Also, I'm not saying your story is bad or anything, But you need something more to draw people in I think.

"Chew more quietly, and less cow-like" he snapped.

I rolled my eyes, god...Jude could be the mother I never had.

I ate another spoonful, chewing loudly on purpose, causing Jude's fists to clench.

I loved making him angry, it annoyed me when he acted like he was 10 years older than me, instead of two.

All that should be one paragraph. Makes it look better, you also have a habit of doing that a lot, you make a new paragraph every time you finish writing about something or someone is talking.

As we both made our way down the hall, our path was blocked by a man slumped against the wall. His bloodshot eyes were wide open with terror and he was brandishing a beer bottle in his filthy hand screaming curses.

Our dad.

should actually look like this:

As we both made our way down the hall, our path was blocked by a man slumped against the wall. His bloodshot eyes were wide open with terror and he was brandishing a beer bottle in his filthy hand screaming curses; Our dad.

See what i did there? You can't make a sentence with two words, Well you can but it looks wrong and its not proper

He then hoisted dad onto his strong, athletic shoulders like a rag doll, and escorted him to the bathroom, Dad still screaming and fighting.

Commas are your best friend, use them.

Other then a few minor things here and there, its not that bad, and I like the effort that is so clearly show here. Keep up the good work.

Comment Swap:

I'm not going to lie and say I read the entire thing, nor will I say I read it carefully (I kind of skimmed it, sorry). The one thing that really popped out to me, however, was the fact that you keep double spacing after every other sentence. I don't know if you intended to do that for effect or style or what, but personally, I think your chapters would look more structured in paragraph form rather than just having sentences floating everywhere. Of course, if it's just your preference, you don't have to take this comment to heart at all. It's just some food for thought.

I also noticed a few errors regarding run-on sentences, such as, "She was the most beautiful thing I had even seen, soft black curls cascaded down her back like a waterfall of satin." There should be a period after "seen", or at least a semi-colon.

Also, sentences usually don't start with the word "but". Instead of using that word, you can use "however" instead. I don't know why sentences are like that... English is weird.

Those were just a few major things that popped out at me. You do have some minor spelling mistakes as well, but it's not like I can't figure out what you're saying (which is a good thing). Also, you might want to add more detail when describing things in your writing. An example would be describing exactly what makes the mermaid beautiful. Other than that, I think you're set. I didn't read much of your story, so I can't really comment on the plot or anything.

Alright, have fun writing!
CookieMonster

(comment swap) the story was pretty intriguing i think. i'd recommend (for at least the first couple chapters) that you maybe add a pov indicator along with the year, because although it wasn't difficult to figure out who the speaker was, it would just make the reading a little smoother from the get go. just a suggestion. Also, personally i would've enjoyed longer and more detailed chapters. I think that with more descriptors and emotion you could really pull the reader in a bit more. Considering this isn't what i'd normally read at all, i think you did a good job. keep it up

@ Average Lifesaver;;
Thank you so much for you helpful comment! I love people who write loads because it really shows how much they care! I will definitely go back and fix all the errors (that I wasn't aware that I had) when I have the time!

Hi there! :3 I should preface this by saying, I tend to talk for ages, so I hope that some of this is at least helpful! Haha.

CHAPTER ONE

We stood there, together in the jagged rock... >> I think "on the jagged rock" would fit a little better here.

"We don't have much time[,]" she whispered. >> Whenever you have a quote, it has to end with some kind of punctuation. In this case, it would be a comma, since there's a dialogue tag (she whispered) attached.

Oh! A baby! I read the "The tiny warm body cradled between us cried out in protest" bit and was confused, but eek! Baby! Cute.

"Shhhh[,]" she soothed.

I noticed your comment below mine, and I do have to say, your sentences are a bit short, but that's an easy fix. For instance, "Her eyes were framed with tears." Here, you could just expand the description a bit. What's the rest of her face doing? Is she frowning? Biting her lip? Is the wind knocking her hair into her face. That would flesh that little description out, into a fuller picture. In other instances, you can just fasten two sentences together, which will lengthen them out!

Alright! So this is an interesting start to the story! I like that you're taking a vantage point from a different time, going back in Seth's life to (who I'm assuming to be) his parents. That's a unique twist you don't see too often.

The base you have for your descriptions is also quite good. The rough ocean against the rocks, the baby crying, the mother's voice - all very good. I mentioned earlier, but if you want to beef up your sentences, you can add a little more to the descriptions.

Another great thing you accomplished was the emotion - there's a good bit of it crammed in here. I like how you dragged some of the sentences out, like this line: Every single nerve was on fire, I never wanted to break away, I loved her, I loved her. She was my earth, my stars, my sun... It really attributes to the raw emotion in the moment. Great job with that!

Also... I'm excited because of the mention of spells. Bring it on!

CHAPTER TWO

Instead of putting the opening line in quotes, consider maybe italicizing it? Mibba uses BB Code, so in the doc, just plug [ i] words words words [ /i] around what you want italicized (without the spaces, though).

Again, you have a little issue with your punctuation in your quotations. I'm not going to keep correcting them, but a quote always needs punctuation.
"This is a pretend quote" Bee wrote. >> Wrong
"This is a pretend quote," Bee wrote. >> Right
"This is another pretend quote" >> Wrong
"This is another pretend quote." >> Right

"Come one dad[,]" Jude said calmly. >> Aside from what I pointed out above, I caught two things in here - 1) I believe one should be "on." Easy fix (: and 2) since you're using "dad" and not "my dad" it should be capitalized - Dad. It's acting as a proper noun, like a name.

Interesting and interesting-er! I like that you brought up the locket in this chapter, and I like that it doesn't open just yet. It leaves perfect amount of suspense to grasp the reader's attention.

I also love the name Jude :3 That's just an aside, though.

Sounds like this is going to be really cool - you have a great bunch of characters. The Seth/Jude foil will make things interesting, and seeing whatever his dad is talking about come into play will also spice things up!

Overall, the only thing that needs work is lengthening your sentences and adding punctuation into your dialogue, both easy fixes!

Your descriptions are quite good - they're understandable, so every reader can grasp what you're trying to say. The characters you introduce are believable and interesting, and look like they'll develop in different, intriguing ways. And spells! That sounds like it will kick some ass, too!

Oi. I always write so much. If there's anything that I didn't explain well, let me know! Other than that, great job with this! Good luck and happy writing! :)

xxx Bee

Hi you guys, I have had a lot of complaints about the shortness of my sentences. I just wanted to let you guys know that I do not do this on purpose!! I only just realised that I write this way. I think it's just the way I naturally write. I will try and make the sentences longer. I am going to post some pictures of real life port william on my profile so if you want to see where Seth lives then check that out :) thanks for commenting! xx

I was not expecting this to be honest ha but it is a very great story. I love the shortness of the chapters; I'm not fond of chapters being of great length on Mibba so I quite enjoyed that:) The dolphin riding made me smile, that was cute.
The layout was interesting and calming, it made me want to read the story. Oh! before I forget, I noticed missing punctuation marks as I read, but who doesn't have those huh? It's an easy fix and that was all I found missing in this story as far as grammar goes:)

(from comment swap) Okay, this story looked pretty good right from the get-go. The quote in the layout alone made me want to read it. Once I did start reading it, it got better and better. The only thing I wasn't too keen on was the shortness in the story. Not that it made the story bad, because it is actually amazing. But, if you describe things a little bit more, you'll be able to fully immerse readers in the story, almost like it's your own little world to share with others. So, a bit more description never hurt anyone. Nonetheless, the story was a very very very good one.

Comment swap
First of I really like this, it's very interesting and the story lines good too. This story has serious potential. The only thing I would say is that is that the chapters don't have much description, which inhibits the flow a little, also the chapters are quite short so a bit of description could pad them out a tad. because you use a lot of short sentences they kind of loose their effect, however I love you use of words and how you phrase things.
I really enjoyed this, the plot and characters were interesting and you can really feel what the characters are feeling (which I find really important when I read any story). Keep up the fab work :)