A World's Curse - Comments

It's a really good story so far! Please update!

So here is a late stocking stuffer for the holidays! I only read the first chapter, but the relationship between Atlas and Dean is really cute! I think you did a really good job of hinting at the book and how it will probably lead into the future, and it was well written! Atlas seems like a cute little child, and probably very smart if he wants to read books like that.

@ ptvjaime
it's all about tone. i add those tags on mentioning how they said it because a lot of people read differently and words can be greatly morphed by the tone in which they are spoken.

at first, i appreciated the feedback, but now i'd like to ask you to stop because you're being entirely subjective with me and not taking account implications and narrative voice. you're merely telling me what i can and cannot not do, based on your writing style and what you see fit, which obviously differs greatly between us.

thank you for the feedback, though. i really do appreciate it--no one has ever taken their time to critique me.

I feel like you intended him to be smart, for instance, but withdrawn. But what we get is someone who is emotionally void and comes off as less than intelligent when he can't connect simple things. He's noticed what people are wearing and what colors they are appearance wise rather than his own emotion towards his grandfather. For that matter, how has he not realized that by opening the book, Dean was probably in the same situation he's in right now? It just doesn't sit right. He becomes rapidly resigned to his own death and is put off by a purple ogre but otherwise doesn't seem much affected by an alien world his ancestors have been disappearing into for centuries. Now then, off to chapter four.

It seems pretty obvious that's what's happened. And if it has, shouldn't he have picked up on it? This chapter features the worst telling and not showing thus far. You either seem to think the reader doesn't understand how people talk or you think you didn't communicate things the right way so you resorted to telling us instead of showing us. Or worse, you showed us and followed up with telling us. This needs work. If you can't show how a character is acting, you might want to research common reactions associated with emotions. It becomes tiresome to continuously be told how someone is talking or acting rather than showing it. What's worse is that there is a quagmire of description that makes up most of the chapters, which puts the rest of the writing on the backburner. For instance, there's still a lack of emotion and thought on Atlas's part. He's only thinking through about a quarter of the situation he's in and just going with the flow otherwise, which is strange because the situation is far from normal...

saw him enter the room because she wouldn't have been that far behind him, and if the hall contains several doors on either side one can assume it has quite some length to it so she should have seen him at least momentarily. "she insulted" again we know. You don't have to tell us. "trying to sound comical" Yes, we know, the dialogue points specifically to that. Also his whole reasoning about her throwing him into the ocean is extreme because he literally does not know her and has no reason to assume anything like that would happen. "pressured to be calm" I assume you mean he's pressuring himself because they certainly aren't. "She was angry" Yes, again we know. "She said" is unnecessary when you clearly denote her in the sentences before her speaking. We know it's her because she's tearing off bread. When you say Atlas is ashamed of dying, what exactly does that mean? I've never heard someone ashamed to be a human sacrifice. Also, does he not know that by opening the book, he unintentionally volunteered?...

is subjective depending on the reader because they might have no idea what shape you're talking about. I haven't exactly filed away their shape for reference. Also you mention he is in a "wooden cavern" but then proceed to tell us everything is made of wood. Which we can easily glean from you saying the cavern is wooden. Also in those first few paragraphs after he wakes up, there are a lot of stage directions and it's just not needed, you can easily take the majority of them out and have no problems with describing his movements. "A mix of European" also makes zero sense given the extremely wide spectrum of European accents, anywhere from Slavic to English to Irish to Scottish to Spanish to French to Italian to Greek... There's no way you can actually say a mixture. "give to pirates" should probably be associate with pirates just because he probably doesn't go around handing out swords to pirates on a regular basis. Oh, and she saw him. If she walks into the room as soon as he sits down, logic dictates she...

Chapter three time. Why would hope make him hesitate? It doesn't make much sense in the context of its own sentence. The paragraph that starts out with "He had to know" also features incorrect common use. Those are all complete sentences and should be separated with periods or semicolons. "It was like there was nothing wrong" also doesn't make much sense. The wording is hindering. On top of that, "but then, something happened" is worse because you tell us in the next sentence what happens, so you don't have to tell us something is going to happen because you show us that something happened. And depending on how bright the light is, he might not be able to see it as extremely bright lighting causes a reflex closure of the eyes and the light should be in his face. And lightbulbs don't blow slowly, this kind of contradicts the analogy because a lightbulb burns out so quickly that it often takes people a second to realize what has happened. Oh, the word is "fluorescent." "shaped like you'd see in a submarine"...

I don't think I have to tell you that using a word such as "rape" takes away from the literal meaning of the word especially in teen culture where it's been widely used as a joke. But it is far from funny and is bad figurative language.

@ ptvjaime
search results
obviously he went to more places than 3, i just thought it would be boring to sit and list off everywhere he visited.
also, the texts aren't exactly dialogue, they're more of direct quotes from, say, a book, and therefore do not need their own paragraph.
and the nickname: "little mountain," his name is atlas, which is a mountain range. it's supposed to be contradictory though
the "raping" of the stereo knob is figurative language, obviously.

but thank youuuu sm <3

having a reaction to any of it. I mean, the giant info dump with all the research might have been necessary, but just interjecting his thoughts would have made it more bearable. As it was, it was long, kind of empty, and it didn't read as exciting when it should have. There's not much tone in these scenes and it's throwing a lot of them way off. That was chapter two. Now on to chapter three.

chuckle sarcastically because it's a noise not subject to tone. Chuckling is not a form of talking. Also three exclamations is too many exclamations. Also, if he was called Little because he was short, why was he called Mountain? Kind of a different nickname not really explained. Also, eighties wasn't disco. That was sixties. Eighties was alternatively pop or hair metal. And we get it. Everything is blue. You did not need to say thirty different objects were blue to prove that everything was blue. And those kids cuss a lot. It's not believable even if it's realistic, it makes me think of those bad indie movies where everyone cusses and it doesn't sound right. You also can't rape a stereo knob, that's bad word choice. And still not much emotion but a lot of detail that isn't moving the story along. This reads a lot like a summary in ways because of the lack of emotion portrayed in Atlas. You say he's one way but you don't show him that way, you just kind of portray him as observing the world but not really...

unrelated by still thusly named things would pop up in which he could have a fruitless, frustrating search for a few paragraphs. "was the insurations" and "he was going to find it" are incorrectly singular when they should be plural. Also "why is sucked" was not written correctly. Also, going to Brazil and then to two countries in Europe isn't exactly all over the world, it's three very well-known locations and not exactly even that far or hard to get to. "entry and the conclusion wasn't" and "there is no such thing as curses" are also incorrectly singular. Did his phone ring or vibrate, you said both and now I'm not certain which. Also, Tristan is either an oblivious friend, which I doubt, or an uncaring one because he should know Atlas doesn't like being in public and should have been considerate enough to take his feelings into consideration. Also, we know what the text said without you saying "it said." And paragraph breaks for texts and dialogue, you have them smushed together. You also cannot...

Chapter Two, here we go. First off, miss-type with "left his eyes." No one said the instructions had anything to do with the book, they read as instructions possibly about the house but you didn't attribute them to the book til now so I had to go back and double check. And the flash of light being from a murdered carrying Dean away... Unless this murderer is an alien I don't see him emitting any kind of rainbow light like a prism. Also, Atlas seems to show the same lack of caring that there is zero evidence as to a murder taking place. Seriously, how did this murderer navigate around him so quickly while carrying his grandfather without touching him and somehow being faster than the speed of the flash? Atlas is too intelligent for that to seem like a logical thought from him. Also he jumped pretty fast from it was the book to it was a murder. I sense a lot of development flew by without us noticing. Also, no, there would be results on the Internet. The book's title isn't exactly unique and I'm sure a dozen...

@ ptvjaime
the second "seemed" was supposed to be italicized but I was just too lazy!
BUT THANK YOU

how upset or discomforted he was. He cringes a bit and tears up, but there's no mental anguish about the fact the person he was closest to is just suddenly gone. There's not even really a clear sense of anger at the idea he might have killed Dean, just a passive sense of disbelief. Also the cops thinking he did it seems very unlikely to me. There would be evidence and they clearly haven't found any because there is none, which would come off as very suspicious indeed. They might hold it as a possibility, but a good CSI squad would quickly point out that a few teenagers, no matter how smart, would not have the skills necessary to pull off such a crime. Now then. That was chapter one. Off to chapter two.

iterated that the thought of living there made him upset. Also, you told, not showed. Eye-rolling, sighing... All great indicators. Also, you have him carrying tea into the kitchen, which is presumably where the tea was made prior, when the lawyer and his father are in the living room. Also, I don't think ironic is a good way to describe only Atlas and his father being at the reading. It's more or less unexpected, maybe, but I wouldn't say ironic. But the biggest problem with this chapter is the lack of emotion vs. the large amount of detail. You don't mince words with detail at all, and that's nice, but more focus in this chapter was how everything looked and the layout of his bedroom and Dean's house as opposed to how this traumatized, crying teenage boy is feeling. This plotline demands emotion. His best friend has literally vanished, and yet we really don't get much of his emotion. We get tired and unhappy because you directly convey those to us by saying those words, but not much is done to make us see..

silences whilst telling the story, nor trying to stop telling it, which is common among traumatized people. Also, some wording in this chapter was repetite or just off. "A Friday, Atlas remembered exactly." Well, yeah, he did remember because it only happened a week ago. Not enough time has elapsed for him to properly forget which day of the week it was. "It was a scream of fear, of knowing that you'll never scream again." In the prior sentence, you basically say the same thing, so this sentence is redundant. And the sentence before it is actually worded much better, which makes this one much less impressive. "and everything seemed normal. At least, everything seemed normal." Word-for-word repeat there, I assume seemed was not supposed to be in the first one or that some kind of format code didn't translate into the text box. "Thought sarcastically" and "He didn't say anything" are actually things we already know before you tell them to us. Atlas's thought must clearly be sarcastic because you clearly...

You like sadistic feedback. I'm in the mood. As I've said before, several posts based on my phone's character limit. Now then. Atlas talking to a therapist is a great way to convey information, but you didn't use it to its fullest extent. Instead, you info dumped a lot of information, especially about his friends, not liking birthdays, things about Tristan, etc. It would have been more interesting to see him communicating this information to the therapist as opposed to just tossing in a bunch of paragraphs, especially because she ask questions and such. Also, separate paragraphs for all speech parts. And there's a lot of telling in this vs. showing which is kind of off-putting in a chapter that, to me, was supposed to be emotional what with Dean disappearing and Atlas getting his estate and such things. Instead, there wasn't much emotional pull in this chapter. You say, for instance, that he hates telling the story, but you don't actually feature him giving short, snapping sentences, going through brooding...

@ ptvjaime
puppy god oh my god im dying

and thank you~~~